Was doing great until I went outside: short shorts and tight skirts

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by MasterRoshi, Apr 21, 2018.

  1. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    So I have 29 days sober from PMO and generally with a lot of daily maintenance it’s been manageable. Along with self honesty and journaling I’ve been able to see my problems stem from emotional issues and I’ve been using PMO to cope with my feelings.

    However, today and yesterday has been hot and sunny in California. when I went outside, the sex crazed monster inside me couldn’t stop obsessing and wanting to stare at all sorts of girls in skimpy clothing. I understand that in general this is human nature, but I know for a fact that it can lead me back to PMO, and that it’s an unhealthy level of excitement and obsession of sex.

    Does anyone with a substantial amount of sobriety (a few months or more preferably 1+ years) who considers them self a real addict (one who can’t stop when they start and also can’t control their addiction without daily maintenance such as meditation etc...), have any advice for me or daily practice exersizes to help with these sex obsessed issues?

    How do I deal with it?
    Does it eventually go away and become a healthy level of excitement?
     
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  2. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    I cannot answer this myself, I’ve been decently sober for a while (my reset counter was for personal reasons) but this will most likely be an issue for a while. My therapist asked me what I could do instead when these urges came on. She doesn’t have a sex addiction specialty or anything like that, but I talk about my addiction with her. I’m sure if you’re able to find a sponsor or an accountability partner, they might have better advice for you. I know the looking can just be a huge slippery slope downwards. Just keep your chin up, try your best to get through it, and avoid places like that with the ability to trigger you.
     
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  3. at least minimize the damage: don't keep looking. I try to use the 3 second rule.
     
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  4. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    thanks both of you.

    Any other advice out there?
     
  5. Icyweb

    Icyweb Fapstronaut

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    There's a similar thread to this one, and here's one of the comments I put in it.

    Also, here's the link https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...to-stop-looking-at-woman.167869/#post-1427036
     
  6. Run_Like_Joseph_Did

    Run_Like_Joseph_Did Fapstronaut

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    Women really are awesome huh? the desire to look at sexually attractive women will probably never go away cause it's built into who we are as guys. But, I do know that as for the emotional issues I get it. I am no expert(I've never hit 1+year) but I would say that this "sex crazed monster" sounds a lot like everyone who is trying to beat this same addiction. I'll be rooting and praying for you as the fight goes on.
     
  7. I can tell you after not viewing porn for three years i still find women really attractive but yes, the raging pervert inside does go away. For me what has changed is the continued obsessing or taking the thoughts further than they need to go. I'll still notice pretty women especially if they are not wearing all that much, but its more of just an ackowledgement these days 'wow she's hot' and then i'll go back to what i was thinking about before.

    I feel like basically i've grown up. Remember when you're little and you're told you can't have that toy in the store but you really really want it so you start a tantrum, crying, mumbling and kicking. that's a bit like the level of emotional maturity for a porn addict. an adult in a similar situation say, they are with their partner and they wanted to buy something and the partner says 'honey we can't afford it' you might say 'ah that's a shame, maybe in a few months then' so the reaction is less severe, many of us have sought to adapt our social behaviours out of necessity in order to get along with people and work professionally etc but when it comes to sex and especially pornography, a lot of the emotional behaviour hasn't changed since we were first exposed to it as adolescents.

    Have you thought about reading stories about inspirational women or thinking about the women in your life who have influenced you. I believe once you start to nurture respect and admiration you start to lose the selfish degredation. It takes time though so it's important to be patient.
     
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  8. Icyweb

    Icyweb Fapstronaut

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    This is pretty much the best advice you will get on this topic, or really any topic related to sex related addictions. It can't just be about stopping a bad thing, it has to be about replacing it with a good thing.
     
  9. Horenuker

    Horenuker Fapstronaut

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    Thin bodies, short shorts, and short skirts are a constant struggle for me too
     
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  10. Congrats on your 29 days!

    There's a trick I've heard from my AP called 'Bounce and Starve'. Its simple; when you find yourself staring at a woman walking down the street 'bounce' (avert) your eyes away and keep them away (starve). I've been doing this for the past two days and its worked every time. The craving to look subsides. I forget my urge in a matter of seconds. I even found myself doing this pre-emptively just an hour ago; I got a glimpse of someone, but then averted my eyes away.

    I've also heard this technique mentioned in my SAA group, so its safe to assume its widely used.
     
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  11. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the tip! I’m always looking the the easy answer to my problems (do X and be cured for life). I know this doesn’t exist so I appreciate the meditative approach of bounce and starve.

    It seems to be a mental exercise like stilling the mind during meditation or doing one more rep during workouts.

    It’s not suppose to be easy :) but I assume the more I practice the bounce and starve the better I’ll get at it. I’m going shopping today so I’ll try it out.

    I have noticed that there is always a moment where I could build the habit of looking away, but instead I decide to keep looking because it’s old behavior giving me the comfort blanket in a small dose that I’m missing since PMO is gone.

    Thanks again everyone for the advice and if there any others out there who have advice lmk!
     
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  12. Drift

    Drift Fapstronaut

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    Bounce and starve sounds effective. I think replacement techniques have helped me at times.

    That centers around replacing thought or response with some other action. So if I start getting worked up, instead of fantasizing, I’ll replace that initial bad habit momentum with a focused breath and perhaps a short prayer or mantra.

    Getting up to get a glass of water as a replacement can work.

    Also, when outside walking and encountering attractive woman, or situations where a woman’s body is being more noticeable , I’ve found thinking about that persons life story or what might have motivated them to be out today brings their humanity back into the picture and helps refocus me away from body parts and sexuality.

    I’m not super great at this, but I’ve gotten better
     
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  13. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the tips.

    I was out yesterday and practiced the bounce and starve. I’ll definitely try yours as well.

    The good news is, before 100% of women walking by were mentally sexually objectified by me, I would find something about every one.

    Yesterday I would say with 80% of them I had the thought and tried bounce and starve. Some were way harder to control the urge. So it’s working! I’m getting better! Maybe :) hard to tell

    I also think the longer I stay sober possible the more balanced I’m becoming? So only time will tell.

    Thanks again for the great suggestions!
     
  14. Horenuker

    Horenuker Fapstronaut

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    What works sometimes for me is if I see a triggering body I try to find a flaw in them that would turn me off and focus on that. The hole in that therory for me though is the younger the lady the less flaws
     
  15. ChicagoGuy

    ChicagoGuy Fapstronaut

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    This is a real struggle for me also. Thanks for bringing it up and for all the great advice from the community.

    It is one of the main motivations that brought me to nofap. Feeling like my brain was constantly getting hijacked and not being about to go about ordinary life without degrading thoughts towards women that I encountered. It just felt like porn had really swept me up into its influence and was skewing my perceptions of reality. Reminds me of the Friends episode where the guys are glued to free porn for days but finally quit after they realize it is affecting their thinking.

    Chandler: Hey. You're never going to believe what happened to me today. I went to the bank. Totally hot teller. And she didn't want to have sex with me in the vault!

    Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman pizza delivery guy comes and delivers the pizza, takes the money, and leaves.

    I bounce between positions of "that is how I am biologically wired", "my mind is total filth", "it is a compliment to her that she grabs my attention". My truth feels like a middle ground of all three. First, I am on this forum because I have admitted that my mind has moved outside of what feels like the yardsticks of norm. Second, I am wired to notice women and attractive women even more so. Lastly, I can appreciate beauty and think to myself "that woman is really beautiful" without imagining something lewd. This last one, is my goal. I think focusing on the value of the whole person really helps in this regard.
     
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  16. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Lol I totally remember that episode! Yup it’s exactly like that, except incredibly painful.

    The good news is I went outside today and only stared and fantasized about 60% of the women I passed. So it’s getting better the longer I stay sober (40 days today).

    Some days are worse that others but I believe it’s an upward trend. I watched a video that explained recovery as a scatter graph rather than a line graph. This seems to be true for me. Some monents are better than others, but it’s been 6+ years since I’ve been able to walk past a women, find her beautiful and not sexually obsess.

    It still happens often, but I obsess for less time I think. VERY SMALL improvements but it’s noticeable.

    ————
    For example I waved at someone today while skateboarding around, who seemed to be babysitting a little kid. I normally would have stared at her the whole way up, been to weird and busy mentally objectifying her to wave, not care at all that there’s a kid around enjoying the innocence of life, looked the babysitter up and down, and after passing would have continued to look back to see as much as possible before I turned the corner. I would have also changed the way I was standing on my board so I could see as much as possible. The honest truth is on my worst days I might have even tried to snap a photo for later.

    What actually happened: I saw her, thought she was cute, also thought she kinda looked like my sister-in-law (didn’t start mentally fantasizing about my sister-in-law which is a miracle), kept my back turned (because that’s my natural stance for skating), waved quickly and politely, and kept skating, not turning back around after passing. Did I think about her? Yes! Was it insane obsession this time? no.

    I would say an improvement! Of course I’m not always like this, but it seems to be getting better.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2018
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  17. ChicagoGuy

    ChicagoGuy Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the skateboarding example. That feels real and something that I can definitely relate to. I think you should definitely continue to acknowledge this as a win and build upon it.

    I have been doing yoga for years and one of the early attractions to it for me was opportunity to "perv" on fit women in the most compromising positions. That said, over time I have really started to focus on going through the poses more proficiently and that takes all of my concentration. It is an example from my life on success on this front and I am hoping to use it to build upon.

    I am not a big meditation person but it feels like this might be able to help me bring my focus back if I see someone and my mind starts to go down the gutter. Starting with baby steps on meditation.
     
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  18. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    I do 10 minutes of meditation every morning. Recently it’s been helping me get the clutter out my thoughts and that reveals a few extra truths that I add to my daily journal. I think it’s definitely a piece of the large puzzle of success, even though I don’t quite understand its purpose yet.

    The AA Big book says “we sought through prayer and meditation...” so I do both daily. I’m not religious but I pray daily anyway to my higher power I call “universe.”
     
  19. ChicagoGuy

    ChicagoGuy Fapstronaut

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    Those are great habits - meditating and praying. That is awesome and I think you are really putting yourself in position to suceed!

    I think they are similar from the stand point that they both help you focus on priorities. I grew up with a religious tradition, but I am a person that often has doubts. I attend religious service about twice a month but I do not have a regular prayer practice. I think it would be helpful, but I have a number of new habits that I am focused on establishing at the moment and trying to another at this time seems detrimental. It will need to be something that I consider adding in the future. Currently, my conception of that higher power is the collective best elements of humanity - kindness, compassion, empathy, joy, etc. This is something that feels tangible and something we all can contribute to.

    I once heard an interview with the atheist author Alain de Botton, that I found fascinating. You did not say that you were explicitly atheist/agnostic but I thought I would mention it anyway. His argument was that the major religions of the world were essentially depositories of wisdom gained by civilization through the ages. Traditions about how to best live in society that in some instances pre-dated written language, etc and that were honed over many generations. He was advocating that atheists could adopt "this wisdom" from religious traditions for the benefit of their lives without adopting the faith orientated beliefs that typically turn off fellow atheists. Anyway, your adaptation of the prayer element of AA reminded me of this.
     
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  20. Good tip! I find I get distracted by bodies even when I'm watching an informational video that features a female.
     

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