Watching porn with a partner

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chopin42, Nov 8, 2017.

  1. Chopin42

    Chopin42 Fapstronaut

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    I realize this may just flat out sound like a terrible idea to someone in recovery. But, I recently completely opened up to the woman I love. She was quite receptive of my addiction and wants to help. I don't have a problem "performing" with her. In fact, sex is very good with one major caveat. I can't reach climax. I think it's not just the porn for me, but also about being alone (we haven't watched together yet). Understandably, she feels "inadequate" despite my desperate attempts to help her understand that it's completely on me and that regardless of the ending, I really love being intimate with her. I don't blame her for feeling this way. After all, in 3 years, I've never had an orgasm in front of her (for the record, I always make sure she has an orgasm).

    So to anyone who's tried this and to any of the partners of addicts who may have an opinion...

    Could watching porn help me become comfortable with having an orgasm with my love?

    Could this curb my appetite for very aggressive/hardcore porn, since she'll be helping pick out the material?

    If it's a good idea, any ideas/warnings/suggestions as to making it work?
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This is ludicrous.
    First off... If you can't orgasm with a partner... You have DE.
    Which if you can preform to your hand and M to P then that's, specifically, PIED.
    Sorry, but it's true.
    Especially if you haven't orgasmed to a partner for 3 years.
    Adding porn to your relationship will only make it worse.
    It will make her feel worse, eventually... Being cut from the picture, which is just a eventual... If you don't believe me... Read around.
    You should cut porn out entirely.
    Do a reboot.
    Otherwise you risk never orgasmimg with a person, again.
    And sorry if that's incredibly blunt.
    But as a SO who is with a guy with PIED... I thought I'd let you know my two Cents.
    I used to be OK with porn in my relationship... And it literally almost killed our entire sexual relationship as well as his sexual function.
    We aren't alone.
    There is a whole section here of stories of PAs like this.
    You don't have to listen, but I couldn't not share.
    Best of luck, whatever you decide.
     
  3. Chopin42

    Chopin42 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Kenzi, I genuinely appreciate your candor. Forgive me if I struck a personal chord with you. I'm just here for help. To be honest I was against the idea of watching it together and wanted to just stick with a hard reboot. But, she was very enthusiastic about the idea. Please understand, I love this woman. This has been an issue for me for years and I finally found someone who I feel I can open up to. My goals are not just my own recovery. I want whats best for her. It very important to both of us for her to feel included in my sexual experience. I'm guessing your point is that for now, thats not an option. At least, not the orgasm part. There is a bit of material I've been reading, I just haven't come across anything that spoke to this specifically. Furthermore, I'm a bit unsavvy to the acronyms. There are two I just want to clarify. DE, did you mean ED? and PA is porn addicts? Thanks for the response. This was very helpful. Especially coming from the perspective of someone on the other side of the problem. Thanks again Kenzi.
     
  4. DE Delayed Ejaculation
    ED Erectile Dysfunction
    PIED Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction
    PA Porn Addict

    As a PA, I think thi is a terrible idea (and I think Kenzi pretty much nailed as to why). You need real sex and that is not what porn propagates. Just the opposite. It is good you can have sex with your wife--some of us have/had trouble in this regard. I urge you stop the PMO (Porn Masturbation Orgasm) or you could wind up in the same boat.

    I think by using porn to climax with your wife you may do serious damage to her self esteem and your relationship. Is it worth the risk?
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    DE is Delayed Ejaculation... And I meant that one.
    As in your so delayed it never comes.
    PA is porn addict.
    And of course she wants to be included in sex and wants to please you.
    But watching porn together will go with you getting up to porn and having sex, but still DE unless you maybe M or are watching P and not her all the way to your just jerking off next to her and she's not even touching you and she is crying weeks and months from now and you are both fighting and probably not together anymore.
    So, save your relationship and reboot.
    It's my opinion.
    And if you want others opinions, read around or ask some of the SOs who left for the reasons I just listed.
    Hell, it's why I almost left and I asked for watch porn together too.
    It's just... Such a bad idea.
    And you can always try karezza or something like that to increase intimacy without worrying about orgasm.
    There are other things to do.
     
  6. Yanis

    Yanis Fapstronaut

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    Good question.
    How much confusion or addiction does it need to have the idea watching porn with your wife?
     
  7. Chopin42

    Chopin42 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, thanks again Kenzi for sharing. This make a lot of sense. Forgive me if this is too personal, but may I ask what made you stick around in your relationship? I only ask because your story seems so very relevant to mine.
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    He changed.
    He showed me physical proof every day.
    And feel free to ask whatever.
    But I did almost leave...
    He had a realization that this was a problem.
    It was the big game changer I guess.
    He's been sober since.
     
    CowardlyLion and kropo82 like this.
  9. Porn within a relationship?
    Defenitely NO.
    lly
    Imho a relationship is all about intimicy. The closer 2 people gets to each other, the stronger the experience of the sexuality will be. If I may speak for myself, nothing is giving more pleasure that totally give yourself to your partner, fully trust each other and feeling totallly safe with each other.

    Forget about porn in your relationship. Stop focussing on the orgasm. Focus on your own process, your own inner problems and mental blocks.

    And you better pray together, than watch P together.
    From now on P stands for Pray :p
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017
  10. yeah don't do that.
     
  11. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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  12. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    When I was much younger I watched porn with a gf. But I spent the whole time worrying that any enjoyment I showed could upset her and I certainly didn't enjoy the experience. She, however, came many times - she was a pretty laid back chick. I have done it a few times since but it never did anything for me. It just never made any sense - why would anyone want to watch people having sex when there's a perfectly good, naked human being right next to you to have your own sex with...?

    As for doing it when you have an obvious problem? Completely nuts for the reasons @Kenzi has perfectly explained.

    I fear nothing good could ever come of following this path. I hope common sense and experience prevails.
     
    STAR DUST likes this.
  13. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Don't introduce that shit into your relationship. I knew a dude who introduced his wife to all kinds of kinky stuff, porn, bondage whatever. When she cheated on him years later he couldn't understand it. I was like, "dude, you're a fucking idiot. You trained her to do this." Don't be that guy.
     
  14. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    I don't know. I'd be willing to bet that there were other issues in the marriage aside from participating in "kinky stuff".

    Agree with this. I've watched it with my wife in the past a couple times. Definitely didn't add anything to the experience from my perspective.
     
    CowardlyLion, Hopefulgirl and Kenzi like this.
  15. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

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    We are Addicts here.

    Try asking, "I am an alcoholic. Is it okay if I go out drinking, as long as it is with friends?"

    If you are a porn addict, no porn in moderation, no porn with your girlfriend, no porn period!!!
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017
  16. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Yes. I also included porn. He turned her into a sex addict. Taught her to enjoy the fantasy of cheating and then wondered why she cheated. Again, what an asshole.
     
  17. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    Bingo. And, @noonoon that's kinda true, harsh as it sounds. We should guard our marriages against any influence that might deteriorate the relationship.

    P will have the same impact on many men, as well.. if not all? It creates unfulfilling patterns for seeking risky behavior and eventual infidelity with actual people. Lots of paths that way involving intermediary steps and none of them are good. It's scary how it's all so accessible these days, one click away, one swipe with the finger on a phone. Which mathematically equals Death for the marriage at every turn. Poision thorns ready to quietly stab and then destroy the entire life through both the insidious impact and the lure to go and get more poison. Let us be vigilant!
     
  18. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    DUDE THAT IS THE ADDICTION TALKING. THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING EVER. LET IT GO MAN. LET IT GO! GO COLD TURKEY AND CUT PORN FOR GOOD. ANTI DEPRESSANT CAN INCREASE THE INABILITY TO EJACULATE BUT MAN YOU SOUND LIKE A RATIONALIZING ADDICT RIGHT NOW. LEAVE THAT CRAP ALONE AND DARE NOT SUBJECT HER TO SUCH DEPRAVITY!
     
    Sharonana likes this.
  19. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    YOU ARE ASKING FOR THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE HURTING THE MOST BESIDES YOURSELF WITH YOUR PORN ADDICTION, TO VALIDATE YOUR IRRESPONSIBILITY. SHE WILL RESENT YOU FOREVER. IT IS TIME FOR TRANSFORMATION MAN. YOU CAN DO IT. OTHER WISE I WILL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR YOU IN THE RELAPSE SECTION IF YOUR PRIDE PERMITS. WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
     
  20. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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