Webcam addiction - I really, really need help.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by got2stop, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    Hi everybody,

    Although I'm a new user, I actually started my NoFap journey in 2018 & previously had an account here at the NoFap forums (which I deleted due to "giving up" in frustration).

    When I first arrived here back in 2018, I realized I had a porn addiction that was causing some problems in my life & I decided that I wanted to stop.

    At the time, the porn addiction wasn't anything crazy & I did indeed manage a few good streaks (one of almost 40 days)... But the problem was that when I managed a streak, I would ultimately always end up going on a crazy binge once I broke it.

    I would just sit and edge to porn for literally hours on end, binging on all of the things "I missed out on" during my streak... And as a result, I noticed the stuff I watch begun to escalate. I was going through lots of different genres etc... And as embarrassing as it is to say, I landed myself into the world of cuckold & domination.

    Now, here comes the big problem... I eventually found my way to webcam sites & one day I decided to "try it". It gave me SUCH a rush... But I hated myself right after, once I realized what I'd done and all of the money that I'd spent. I told myself, "never again".

    But now every day I am finding myself going back to these sites without fail & I am spending ridiculous amounts of money on the women to "dominate me"... Money I 100% should not be spending... But I can't stop.

    The issue now is that even though I feel rubbish afterwards once I realize what I've done, it has become a "good feeling" because it feels like I've been dominated.

    I know that probably sounds crazy, but hopefully you can see the scenario that I've found myself stuck in.

    So, I have once again come here to try & seek some help... Because I literally can't even make a streak of 1 single day & to be honest, life is kinda feeling pointless.

    I have been so close to the point of ending it recently but then I manage to pull myself together and say "ONE MORE GO AT BEATING THIS"... But I don't know where to start :(

    And I know you will likely think "well just get off the PC" etc, but I am literally self-employed and I work from home as a programmer using my PC so I can't do that because then I will lose my income entirely.

    So if any of you have any tips, they would be greatly appreciated.

    And I am once again going to start a journal here in the hope that will help me too.

    I just really, really, really want to beat this thing for good :(
     
  2. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

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    You need to change your mindset towards P from positive to negative to help stop binging. If you see giving up P as giving up a pleasure in your life, you'll always want to come back to it and get as much of it as you can before you go back to what you see as a life of wanting. It's a gradual process to completely change your mindset but eventually you want to see being without P as an absolute blessing, akin to being without something like a rotten sandwich for lunch. A good place to start in my opinion is researching the science of addiction and P addiction.

    Also, you need things that bring you REAL happiness, activities that give you a sense of fulfillment and pride when they are completed, not dread and despair. I would recommend eating well and getting some exercise in daily, as well as connecting with your friends and family. Giving a portion of what you previously spent on self harm through addiction to a charity instead may be helpful as well.

    And the idea of "One more time" is unhealthy in my opinion. Because if you have another setback, what are you left with? Saying to yourself that you'll try as many times as it takes, with each attempt building upon the last, is much better for you.

    Implementing some blockers on your devices would also be a good idea. They can really help you to not make impulsive decisions in the moment that you'll regret shortly after.
     
  3. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I read this in time because I was about to do my "one last fap". Now, I have changed my mindset & instead I am going to go run on the treadmill. You're right... If I keep doing "one last", then when will the real last one be? I have to make it now, or never.

    And regarding blockers, I tried them - I used both K9 (which has since closed down) and Cold Turkey... But because I am very experienced with computers, any blocker is very easy for me to bypass no matter how much the lengths are that I go to :(
     
    ANewFocus likes this.
  4. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to read about your trials and tribulations.

    If I were you, I'd start concentrating on your feelings. It seems to me you are mostly occupied with thinking stuff which blocks the path to your feelings. P is another way of doing just that. The way out is to stop running away from all the disappointments and pain of your past. I can see one of them in your post: you want to end your life to end your disgust with yourself. Self rejection is the deepest cause of every addiction.

    Coach yourself, respect yourself, be gentle with yourself. It's a hell of a job to do what you're doing. How many people will never start this just because it's so hard. Write down your progress, be thankful of every little step you make and see yourself as a valuable human being who has been doing what most of us do: getting away from pain. The only problem is that by getting away from pain, we create more pain. Stop fleeing and start feeling. That's my advice to you.

    I wish you all the best on your journey.
     
  5. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

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    I don't know if there are any blockers that are truly impassable, but they can still help. Try moving the goalpost, instead of focusing on not looking at P, focus on not disabling your blockers. Perhaps you could do a quick 2m sprint on the treadmill when you get the urge to disable them.
     
  6. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I think that's good advice. I know one thing for sure that leads to me to relapsing is the fact that I've gained weight. Not huge amounts by any means, but I was always super thin & now I "feel fat" when sitting at a PC and so I go to P to feel better. I need to actually attack the root cause and do something about my weight gain, start eating better & exercising more.

    Yeah, the treadmill is in my garage but I bought some resistance bands which I can use in the house. I could maybe even just set it up so that once per hour I do 10 minutes with the bands as they always give me a good feeling afterwards knowing that your muscles have been pumped.
     
    Candun likes this.
  7. what you need is a cam exit girl.

    you think you are after the same old shit, but she makes you cut your dick off.


    just kidding. she dominates you with the truth, because she IS you, your alter ego, and she is the most beautiful person you have ever seen. you are humbled, and you love her. you love yourself, and thus you listen to what she tells you about what has been missing in your life that you have been trying to find outside of yourself, when there she has been all along. within.

    try it.
     
  8. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    Haha, yeah - I found that most girls even weren't even really into domination & stuff. I mean *some* were, but few... I found myself still doing it (and paying to do it), even though it wasn't really enjoyable for either of us. A bit weird really! But an addiction's an addiction, I guess.

    Either way, I'm onto my 5th day of no PMO now & I've gotta tell ya, I'm feeling great. Rewind to 2 weeks ago & I was a complete mess, fapping everyday & thinking about taking my life. Now I haven't looked at anything adult in the past 5 days and I've been getting really good workouts in and feeling great.
     
    Candun likes this.
  9. Zolo22

    Zolo22 Fapstronaut

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    Nice one dude!. Im glad to hear that you are makre yourself over it. I wouldn't discard a therapy with a psychologist. When money is on the game, and you had suicidal thoughts, it is very difficult to make it alone. Of course, you will have this forum, and you can contact me whenever you feel like, but see, sexual impulses are so strong that we need to work in other levels of the mind to avoid falling in destructive circles like you did. That's why I recommend seeing a psycholgyst or any other professional. Again, you can pm me if you feel like to. Virtual hug!.
     
    slug175, got2stop and Candun like this.
  10. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    We are pulling for you man. Your addiction (domination) seems to be one of the hardest in our group to recover from. Get all the resources you can. Don’t quit. Don’t end your life. It can and will get better.
     
    LoveIsAllWeNeed and Candun like this.
  11. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    This is an epic post. I wish I could start each day with a drink of this goodness.
     
    Candun likes this.
  12. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    Yep, you may be right. I did think about seeing somebody before but it's kind of a catch 22 due to my anxiety. I need help for my anxiety, but my anxiety stops me from ever making it happen. Plus around ~10 years ago I tried to seek help at a doctor and he basically told me there is nothing wrong, so I don't want that scenario again. I am pretty sure I should be good this time around, I'm feeling great - but thanks for your post it means a lot!

    Yep, domination is the hard one because you get turned on by being addicted & that is the biggest catch 22 there is. Thanks for your post! Also, I just saw your signature with the challenges... That's really cool I'm going to add that to my signature too. Love that idea.
     
    ANewFocus likes this.
  13. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    This struggle is all to familiar to many of us: curiosity, escalation, full blown addiction.

    you need to aggressively block these sites. You need to, if possible, disable your webcam/mic to discourage these sites.

    you need to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436

    you need to find a CSAT and start sessions.

    Do it now before or you go bankrupt, ruin your work and lose your house.
     
    ANewFocus likes this.
  14. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    Yep, I did actually block them using K9 (which sadly is now discontinued) & then I used Cold Turkey, but because I'm actually a computer programmer I found it very easy to bypass the blocks, unfortunately.

    Plus, the blocks led me to taking bigger risks - such as considering to use shared devices in my household to continue viewing. That could have been a disaster.

    You are right though, I was absolutely driving myself towards bankruptcy. It was as if money meant nothing at all when I was in the moment but then afterwards it was a total utter instant regret & a feeling of MAJOR depression.

    I am 5 days onto my streak now & I am feeling very confident about it so I will hold off for therapy at this very moment, but at this point I am indeed literally considering all available options.

    I even considered going away to one of those fitness camps where you spend 2 weeks away from your devices and just work on fitness but then all of this coronavirus stuff came about & ruined that plan. I may see if they are back up and running again actually as I believe that could be a great start to my journey.
     
    ANewFocus likes this.
  15. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    You must not get overconfident. This thing will seep back in while you’re doing innocuous tasks, like shopping. Next thing you know you’re looking at women in bikinis and then YouTube videos, then porn sites and wham—relapse.

    Not trying to devalue the progress you’ve made—just be vigilant!

    And good on you for the 5 days. Let’s make it 10!
     
    ANewFocus likes this.
  16. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    I really relate to the feeling of blockers leading to higher risks. For me I start using my work computer and pushing boundaries there which risks my job and threatens my family’s well being.

    I use covenant eyes and that helps with my wife having the admin.
     
    got2stop likes this.
  17. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    I get what you're saying, and that's happened to me before, but honestly this time it really feels like I've got it. I've even come across some images already (by accident) and I had absolutely no urge to indulge in them whatsoever, nor did I get any "excitement" from them... I just saw them for what they were - dirty pics.

    I'm definitely being vigilant though because I totally understand where you're coming from but IDK, just feels way different this time around. Maybe I had to have the huge breakdown I had to realize how much I needed recovery... Maybe that's made my driving force more powerful than before, I don't know :)
     
    InappropriateUsername likes this.
  18. Belching_Booch

    Belching_Booch Fapstronaut

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    Being home all day is a problem. I got laid off due to covid and only recently started working again. I was home for months, which made is especially difficult. What made it even worse was when they closed down the gyms, I was completely fucked at that point.

    My advice to you is LEAVE THE HOUSE. When you're done your work, leave. Go out anywhere. Whether it's for a walk, a run, grocery shopping, or anything else.

    Better yet, get yourself to a gym and start lifting. Im at the gym lifting every day, and on "recovery" days I do Stretches and cardio. It helps a lot. I'm far from perfect, but I've reduced the amount of PMO in my life drastically compared to what it was.
     
  19. got2stop

    got2stop Fapstronaut

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    You're totally right man. My P addiction started years ago, but my webcam addiction started when lockdown began & the gyms closed.

    Although I work from home, at the time I was actually renting an office (purely for the purpose of getting out of the house), so I used to go to the gym at 5am, go to the office, go to my parents & then back home. I literally didn't even have time for P!

    Then lockdown came & bam, I had to buy a laptop so I was just sitting on the soft with a laptop all day & night... Which led to webcams.

    I ended up getting rid of the office because it didn't make sense to pay for it with all the restrictions in place, and because of my addiction I actually made the decision to move back in with my parents. (I didn't tell them that was the reason) and it might sound like a crazy decision... But I just couldn't trust myself if I was alone for such long periods.

    But yeah, you're definitely right about just getting out. I haven't been doing enough that... I just work at home, then workout on a night... But I think it'll be a gamechanger once I actually sign up to this bootcamp & start getting out of the house at a set time each day.
     
  20. Belching_Booch

    Belching_Booch Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I work out twice a day. I'll go to the park and do calisthenics/resistance band training, and then hit the gym later in the evening. I literally wear my body down in order to avoid the dirty thoughts. Believe me it isn't easy especially in the park where there are cuties galore, but it definitely helped me reduce pmo. I used to go at it 3-5 times a day, now it's more like once every 4-6 days. I'm still aiming for three months pmo free. The addiction runs deep, so it's a work in progress.

    Wishing you the best of luck. Also try going into nature and meditating if you have any such place near you. I take two busses to get to this nature trail, I walk there, then meditate in the middle of the path, it's really peaceful there and away from cars, noise, and pollution. If you're up early you can even try sungazing. It's an incredible experience, only do it during sunrise or sunset for no more than 20 min.
     

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