Weird ass fetish

It's kind of weird but not super weird. Your assessment is a little backward, I think. Childhood trauma, low self esteem, those things contribute. No social life, though, lack of sex & female attention and companionship, those aren't causing your porn addiction or this specific addiction. It's just as likely the addiction is preventing your social life, lack of attention, etc.

To be clear; it's not "Women do not pay attention to me, therefore I fap." It is, "I fap, therefore I have low self esteem and low motivation to make myself attractive."

To reference fap theory, the problem is you feel low on a chemical level, so you fap. It temporarily makes you feel better, meaning you no longer feel a need to improve your life circumstances. Long term, it makes you feel bad because you know P isn't real and nothing good *actually* happened. So you feel bad. So you fap again.
Your solution is two fold. Stop fapping and start improving your life. Fortunately for you the goals are combined, because you can't just quit a thing. You have to replace the time, effort, and mental resources you have been dedicating toward P, otherwise you create a vacuum and want to fill it with P.

Start your counter. Read up on the basics.

Start a journal. Record your urges, what triggered them, what you did to stop them, and how successful that effort was. Post once a day, and remember to note which day in the streak each entry is. You'll see patterns emerge, and they will help you be more successful in future efforts, building longer streaks.

Work with your AP.

Work at combating P on a mental, fantasy level. As soon as you notice the PMO process beginning, derail it with meditation on a goal, a principle, a quote, a religious text, anything positive that will get you improving and not guiding yourself toward PMO.

Replace that bad dopamine source of PMO with something positive. I highly recommend physical fitness. Set aside at bare minimum 15 minutes a day to intensely work out. That's a proven source of good dopamine, it's good for the mind and body, and it's something you can do for yourself that will probably boost your self esteem.

Finally, be aware PMO might be self medication for a different issue. I've noticed a disproportionate amount of people here, and addicts in general, have ADHD and/or depression. You might need to see a Dr. and/or therapist for either of these conditions, or other problems you might have. Given you report low self esteem and mood swings, I suspect this might be especially pertinent for you.

That's it. That's all I got. I hope you stick with it, your life will be much better without the shame dragging you down, and your head up where you can recognize the good things in life.

 

Hello and welcome I struggle with a fetish too but personally my main concern is stopping PMO. Yes, I'd like the fetish to disappear, but my understanding is that it is very difficult (but not impossible) to get rid of it. If I wasn't masturbating to my fetish, because of my need for that dopamine rush and my lack of self control at such times I'd probably still be masturbation to regular porn or possibly some other fetish.

Rooting for you!