Well managed to relapse again.

So I relapsed.

What happened? Well my wife and I are at her parent's for Christmas so I thought this would keep me from relapsing. However, last night I was feeling REALLY sick. I am still feeling sick. Her dad's side is Italian-American so we had quite the feast and it was not exactly light, plus I'm on a new medication that can cause diahreah and nausea (both symptoms stop after the body gets used to the meds).

So this led to me sleeping on the sofa because I kept getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and did not want to wake my wife. Add to this my wife enjoys teasing me sexually. This is like foreplay for her and can go on for days or a week prior to us actually doing the deed. Interestingly enough it is not usually a problem for me. It actually helps me stay focused because I know if I stay strong my reward will be, in a word, amazing.

That said last night, with how shitty I'm feeling, I fapped twice. First time, was for the dopamine high, because I was at rock bottom and it was the wee hours of the morning and all I saw was darkness. The second time was because, despite my effort to not obsess about having relapsed, the fear that I by fapping I would end up where I was when I started nofap (not cumming during sex and not really feeling all the sensations of sex).

Every time that fear strikes, I tell myself that it is not all that likely to happen because a) my masturbation grip is now very light and b) I know how sex feels now so I'm not likely to fall that far because I have something to hang on to. But still the fear remains because my wife has been loving sex more than she expected. She thought sex was great prior to nofap but since nofap my erections are bigger and harder so it feels even better for her. I don't want her to lose that and I don't want to lose what I have gained, so when I fap I become afraid and it triggers a second relapse.

I'm trying to meditate every time I think about porn or sex, to keep my mind clear and me strong. Sadly, last night was my first attempt so probably not the ideal moment to try meditation.

 

Yeah. At this moment I'm fighting off the urge to look at porn because I'm alone and on my wife's, once my, laptop.

I just find it hilarious that I'm feeling ill and my brain is saying, "titties, that will make you feel better. Just look at titties and everything will be better."

It is hilarious that one's brain can make that connection.