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What comes after hard mode?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by mbv, Sep 5, 2020.

  1. mbv

    mbv New Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I'm new around here even though I'm 61 days into Hard Mode.
    I've been having urges as of late and haven't hit the flatline I thought I would have 61 days in.
    My girlfriend is really supportive and she's been helping me for almost 2 years now with some success, until I discovered NoFap earlier this year and decided to try out Hard Mode. I relapsed once like 19 days in or something and then never relapsed again (probably because of my efforts to avoid pornography in the past, which made my mind more resilient).
    Now, I really want to hit the flatline and I know it's different for everyone which means I may not have hit it when I finish this 90 day challenge.
    My question is: after 90 days, if I don't feel any better than I do now, is it safe to switch to Standard Mode? Being in a relationship and doing Hard Mode is kind of hard. My girlfriend doesn't really mind, we are not in a huge hurry, but it would be nice if we could start having sex when I finish this challenge. It sort of seems like an objective for me. Since I'm not experiencing any meaningful side effects from rebooting thus far, I think knowing that I can at least have sex when this is over helps me finish it easier, instead of thinking that I will have to wait for the flatline to begin and end and I won't know when that's going to happen, which makes it harder for me to focus. It's kinda like this pandemic we're all going through. If we knew it would end by December, we would be prepared for it in our minds and it would make it easier, but the uncertainty it brings is what really makes it terrible. Who knows when it's going back to normal? The same is true for my battle. I don't know when I've won, and I don't feel like I'm winning right now, even though some urges are easier to control. If anyone has any input on this I would very much appreciate it. I know that the mentality of rewarding my accomplishment with sex is wrong, but that's not what I want to be thinking, I don't think of it as a prize, more so as a way of living in a healthier relationship after I've completed a challenge.
    Thanks in advance for the responses and sorry if this is the wrong forum to post this thread in.
     
    palindromo likes this.
  2. Mine is just one opinion out of many. We all have different experiences. My rules for myself were that sex with my wife was allowed, but P and M were not. For various reasons, there were long stretches of hard mode in there too, with no sex. So I experienced both modes of existence for about 9 months.

    Personally I didn't have a big eureka moment at 90 days. It was more in the 120-160 day range, I think, that I started realizing that I was hardly thinking about porn anymore and I didn't have much motivation to seek it out most of the time. This was a real shift. It was a quiet and contented realization rather than some major fireworks announcing success.

    I think hard mode is the best way to get that wiring for porn out of your brain. The rigor of it also pushes you to make other improvements in your life. You have a lot of extra energy to harness in order to focus on other things. The downside of hard mode was that I observed a decrease in sexual functioning and control after too much abstinence. Things were just less predictable down there! I lost some of my familiarity with my own bodily responses. You can get all of this back, I think, with some patience and good humor from both of you. It's great that your girlfriend is on board and understanding in this whole process.

    My opinion is that your return to sex should be about rediscovering your natural arousal levels and your cycle of recharging after sex. Don't jump into doing it every day. Let your body renew itself, practice the restraint that you have learned through NoFap, and get to know what a good frequency of ejaculation is for you personally. This will also help you to tune in to your true arousal patterns and keep them centered around real women instead of a screen. A lot of us have grown up with M every day or two, perpetually in the recovery stage, acting out repeatedly even if we're not actually 100% into it, feeling more tired and unfocused than we need to, not realizing the value of spacing this out and really savoring the experience when it happens. Well that turned into a bit of a rant but I hope it is helpful. Good luck!
     
  3. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    Roll int I it slowly. No M even during sex. If anybody touches it, it's her. Try kerazza (spelling?) Many astronauts enjoy the intimacy it creates.

    Make sex more mindful, trying to connect with your partner.
     
    palindromo likes this.
  4. mbv

    mbv New Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I'm aware of that! I just set this initial goal to see what would happen to me. I have no plans of going back after 90 days, just wanted to get into sex again and maybe see if I have changed and can live a healthy life with it. Thx!
     
    palindromo likes this.
  5. mbv

    mbv New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot for this reply! I intend to go through with the 90 days in Hard Mode to see what actually happens. If I don't see any changes I believe it is safe to go back to having sex without M. Eventually though, I'd just like to live a life where porn isn't a concern and I can have normal sex, which sometimes involves M. The thing right now is, even though I have extra time, I don't have extra energy to do other things because sometimes I gotta be focused on not watching porn. I feel like I'm in this numb state where I can control myself better than before but still have to spend all my energy on it, leaving me feeling like I'm wasting my days away. As for your advice for sex, I will take it! It seems like a good idea to restrain myself in the early days of going back to sex, so thanks a ton for the advice!
     
    palindromo likes this.
  6. mbv

    mbv New Fapstronaut

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    Seems like a good idea yeah! Thanks, will try it!
     
  7. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

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    I feel like this too , unfortunately willpower is limitate , to control urges requires a lot of will so it's true
    it should be possible to train willpower, raising your limits

    Definitely after the reboot return to a normal sex life, moderation is the guiding point
     
    mbv likes this.

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