What do I do? Letter of wisdom ps it’s dead on

I'm sure some people can relate with the post.

However from a man's point of view who HAS made major changes and IS continuing to work at bettering himself - the implication that if your husband watched porn he's going to molest your kids, give you cancer and physically beat you up and never be a father is a bit of the slippery slope argument.

It's like saying if you smoked marijuana in the past it's safe to assume you're going to be cooking meth in your bathtub.

trauma is of course real, and for some people walking away is better, but the assumption that there is no ability for people to change or grow and that everyone escalates to hookers and pedophilia seems a bit extreme.

 

You're right - she does have very carefully placed wording to make it seem like she's not promising your husband will escalate from looking at porn to raping your child - she simply says it's an almost certainly and very likely.


If you marry him now, here’s what I can *almost certainly* guarantee for your future.
- live in constant fear that he may act out pornographic fantasies with your girlfriends or on your children.
- flee for safety if/when he DOES act out those fantasies on your children.
- develop a mysterious chronic illness, cancer, or autoimmune condition.
If you choose to stay, if you choose to marry him despite what you’ve discovered, you are altering the trajectory of your next several decades of life, to very likely include a daily existence of deception, domestic violence, sexual abuse, betrayal, adultery, fraud, litigation abuse, and trauma for the next generation.


In my SAA group (which is relatively small, 4-7 people depending on the week) we have someone who has HIV from a prostitute, someone who lost jobs due to using work trips to meet up with women instead of work, people who lost marriages and contact with kids, and more. We have people like me who have never physically touched a woman, but have still hurt those around us and want to make lifelong changes. We have people who struggle with sobriety on a daily basis and others who have been sober from inner circle behaviors for 7+ years. We all have the same base addiction, men and women, just different manifests. But I would never tell someone that because they're in that room that they're more likely to beat their wife or rape a child.

 

The fear and anxiety and checking phones and such - makes perfect sense. Just the link you sent listed specific things that she claimed were "amost certainties". That's different.

 

I read the post and I'm really try to analyze it as i'm not myself, but it is hard.
The last part says " He can get clean, find healing, and become healthy and whole — without you" and this is what I'm doing now.
I also think that there is the way of "He can get clean, find healing, and become healthy and whole with you" , this will be hard, of course, probably it needs therapy as singles and as couple as well , set new rules, set new boundaries etc etc....but no one can tell me this can't happen, walking away is probably the "easy" way tho for both of you.
I destroyed my relationship with my addiction , she was THE girl, she has been in my mind my partner, my lover, the mom of my kids, my buddy, the last person will hold my hand before leaving this world....she was everything.
Now, she left and I'm dealing with the addiction and with the grief. Probably the grief itself is where i'm getting all my energies in order to reboot. But , i would do it with the same strength even if she would had stay, because the only reason i fucked all up (hurting myself almost irreparably as well) was because i didn't know i had a goddam addiction. I still would do it for myself first, but then i would do it for her because i couldn't bare to heart her again, i couldn't forgive me to see that pain i saw in her face again and i'm sure with sweat, tears and work i would also be the cure to the problem i created.

 

With "easy" i meant that it's easier to do it together, i think that it would way more complicate do it as a couple , since they are the both side to recover/fix, plus bound the two processes together; but still i believe it is possible.
I still analyzing why a did what i did and how or if i could avoid it, so i'm not holding any unbeatable truth here. I unfortunately always got back in my addiction in order to copy with loneliness and when my self-esteem would be beaten up. During our relationship for various reason i got at that point and i reacting by MO (at that time the idea of having an addiction was not even in my sight); i did it as stress-relieve-valve since i wasn't aware it would hurt anyone and i could manage it. Well yes, i was way wrong, the one time thing, became weekly and then i definitely got lost in the addiction.
I blame on myself and only on myself, but i still have my own certainty i would avoid it if i knew to what it could lead to.
Yes, since she left and i discovered it i'm clean, for me now there are no excuses, now i have the knowledge of it and there are not second chance for me. Now for me it is reboot or die, no third options.
For me the initial fuel to get strength from during my (still new and small) recovery has been the idea of being able to be able to knock at her door as a new man, as a better and different man. Now I'm slowly getting more focus on myself and try to do it for myself, even if my deep love for her makes everything more difficult.
However this has been a path that i have to do because she left and i'm sure i would do it even with her here on my side.
I'm also guilty to , initially, got angry at her because she left but now i start to believe she doesn't owned me anything and she was free to decide her way; again, unfortunately in a different direction than mine and again i'm sorry she didn't have enough faith in me (Understandable, i even know that!).
Yes, i still have the hope to get her back but i won't focus my recovery on that and i won't feed false hopes, but the loves is still there and i will have to live with it, just learn how to live with it on my shoulder.