What do you think of... 12 step programs?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by swissarmyknight, Mar 29, 2021.

  1. e123

    e123 Fapstronaut

    Some of these stories are messed up but it might be different here in the UK.

    I used to post here pretty regularly but I thought I'd say my two cents here.

    SAA has saved my life. I'm 8 months sober now. I have never achieved that in my life. I can't believe I just typed that, actually.

    It could be that I've always believed in God. Could be there are super-decent guys in my fellowship. But SAA has completely changed my life. I would still be a chronic relapser if it weren't for the fellowship. I highly recommend it.

    There are a lot of zoom meetings now. Go to a few. Come to the UK ones!
    Andrew-B and swissarmyknight like this.
  2. i faced this same issue with the major age gap, my local area the average age was in their 50s and i started when i was 30. i have had some issue maintaining sobriety, had a 4 month stretch a couple of years ago. Many of them keep saying to me im lucky im here so young and trying to better myself. i can relate to the just wanting to stop the p and m, and their definition of sobriety is no sex outside of marriage period. Im trying to live a program but sometimes its still hard to relate even to the few guys around my age that are there.
  3. this is some solid advice, thank you
  4. jaguar18

    jaguar18 Fapstronaut

    No car unfortunately, and I live in a place where it is almost always raining! haha
  5. Nucleus

    Nucleus Fapstronaut

    Bro. How could I go about attending a SA meeting by zoom.
  6. https://www.sa.org/meetings_phone/
    not zoom but this has a list of phone meetings, im sure if you attend someone can help you find more
    Nucleus likes this.
  7. BoraxKarloff

    BoraxKarloff Fapstronaut

    Let's leave the shower in your bathroom out of this!
  8. henryhill

    henryhill Fapstronaut

    I found the 12 step program was very useful at the beginning and definitely recommend them to others (there's little harm in trying one - unless you get a weird group I suppose). But the two groups I went to for a while were very good in terms of how welcoming and understanding they were. I reached a point though that I didn't feel like I could connect with them anymore, like my belief system around this problem changed I guess. Unity is really important in a 12 step program and I just didn't feel unified anymore so that's mainly why I stopped going to them and started coming here instead. obviously I still don't have a great track record but it's similar to when I attended meetings (not sure what that implies)
    Andrew-B likes this.
  9. Robindale

    Robindale Fapstronaut

    Wow, sorry you guys have had some bad experiences with SA or SAA or whatever groups. The SAA group I joined is guys in their early 20's up to guys in the 60's or 70's. Very welcoming group, open, non-judgmental and SAA at least does not come from or endorse any religion. They speak of a Higher Power and it is clear that that means whatever it means for you, not anyone else. There are Christians, Muslims, Jews, atheists and agnostics in the group and everyone supports each other no matter what your issue with sex is; porn, compulsivity with paid sex, affairs, same sex attraction, or whatever. And I've seen no hitting up for money or other things mentioned in some of your experiences. The key is to find your community wherever it may be. One of those groups or a NoFAP weekly group, recoveredman.com group, or the myriad of other groups set up to help people like us. I hope you can find such a group to help you with connection and healing.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2021
    Nucleus and Andrew-B like this.
  10. swissarmyknight

    swissarmyknight Fapstronaut

    I agree that the fellowship part of these meetings is a huge factor in what makes them helpful for some. I personally felt welcomed, but not generally supported. That being said, I tend to coil back into my shell when I feel uncomfortable, and when someone I can hardly relate to, besides being a male with a sexual problem, says anything to me I often feel that it’s not meant for me.

    In more simple terms, I have a hard time accepting the help people give.
  11. Nucleus

    Nucleus Fapstronaut

    One thing to beware of is the downplaying of your own trauma and suffering. You might go to an SA meeting and hear a lot of horror stories regarding the past of some of the members. The temptation is to compare their suffering and deciding that you have no right to be traumatized becasue nothing so severe had ever happened to you. This was what happened to me.

    One brother spoke about abuse from a step parent, another of abandonment. I had both my parents and lived in a comparatively loving environment and still turned out to be an alcoholic and a sex addict (among other things). I also have ADHD.

    After reading three books by Gabor Mate, I have learned that trauma doesn't have to be AMAZINGLY shocking events but can easily be a drip drip drip of events, being ignored, being passed over, being afraid, being lonely, witnessing the stress of my parents (who were both alcoholics) and hearing them loudly argue.

    Addiction (and ADHD) comes from childhood trauma. Trauma might be huge such as a rape, violence etc.... or... a Chinese water torture of sorts.

    I just felt guilty for being in the SA meeting. I felt guilty for being an addict with "no excuse at all". I just blamed myself for being a pervert and a total scumbag all the more.
  12. Robindale

    Robindale Fapstronaut

    Totally relate to that - letting others help me. I'm great at reaching out to offer help to others, but seem to have a block about accepting the help of others for me.
    swissarmyknight likes this.
  13. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    I'm over two years with no pornography, strip clubs , escorts , hard drugs. And I would not be this far in recovery of it was the SAA. And it's for alot of reasons ;

    -the accountability you get from it.
    - you get to practice and purge honesty.
    - actually working the 12 steps is necessary. ( It is hard work , but it's transformational)
    -it gives you a social piece to your life.

    **For anyone thinking about the 12 steps. I highly recommend the book "a gentle path through the 12 steps " .
  14. i have been attending na for almost 2 years now, been staying clean since i started there. shortly after i started attending sa(wasnt even aware there another "s" fellowship until i started attending). ive managed to stay sober by sa's definition of sobriety for 4 months awhile back, going to alot of meeting working the steps etc. somewhere along the lines i fell off working my program and haven't been able to manage more that 2.5 weeks(on a good stretch). i still attend 6-8 meetings a week between the two fellowships and have been trying to not isolate and abstain. i also deal with alot of comparing myself to others
    (ones with years of sobriety or ones who just manage to accumulate a few months after starting). i know the steps work and i see it working as i have been clean from dope for close to three years now. I just dont know how committed i am to staying exually sober one day to the next. ive thought about trying other fellowships but i like the hard bottom line of sa's sobritety definition and how they state the problem is with lust not just sexual acting out.

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