What he looked at...

You start grieving for the man you thought he was, right?

I have occasionally very sudden bursts of disgust that come over me and I feel physically sick thinking about what he enjoyed watching. Like you I'm not a prude and even enjoyed some porn too at times. But when I think about what he watched... I feel like I never even knew the man I've been in love with. It steals all my lovely memories away.

His porn preferences also don't match his supposed daily ethics or morals. He goes on like a woke guy who consideres himself a liberal feminist but wants to watch women being reduced and degraded to passive victims. We even watched a few Netflix docs a few years ago on the porn industry and I remember him lamenting away with me about how abhorrent the very nature of it is. It's made me question the integrity of all men and I'm pissed at him for that too!

To help (and I don't know if this is helpful advice or not because the last few days Ive not been feeling in control of my anger at all but I'll share this anyway...) I try to remember the addiction takes over his whole being and when he pmo's, it isn't really him reacting to the disgusting content with his rationale and normal views.

This doesn't help the anger I feel when I consider he actively chooses to follow a certain decision making process before he even unzips his jeans. For me, that's the part of this addiction I don't yet understand or empathise with. He chooses every time to turn into a misogynistic demeaning Bastard.

He'd like me to think he's like poor bana and hulk and he hasn't any control at all. Poor me at work all pent up because I haven't had a wank today... I want to slap some sense into him

ITS FUCKING NORMAL to be aroused sometimes. It doesn't mean you watch porn at work
And destroy our family for it!

I feel I did have some helpful insights to share with you but my own rage may have overshadowed my original helpful intentions there...

Be strong and know you're not alone with your feelings.
X

 

The best advice I have is to understand that it was the addict that was looking at those things, not your partner. Often in an attempt to reach a high,addicts do horrible things they would not otherwise do. Think of the things people do to feed a drug addiction? How many normal working individuals get addicted to pain killers and then turn to the streets to buy drugs. They lie, they steal, they treat their families like crap. But if you would have seen that addict a year ago, you could have never imagined him behaving like that. It is extremely hard but you need to separate the addiction from your partner. For many people they have never known their partner not addicted, so this is a really hard thing to do.

 

I so relate to the OP, but to your response even more. I read the struggle, I live it and TRY to be understanding but sometimes my anger takes over and I can't help it either.

 

I can't even GO there with my brain right now.I just get too mad.I also am no prude, but this is just so disturbing because I am everything those girls are. Except young. I still look great for 48 but I'm not young anymore. I fear things will get out of control more as I age more and he's almost 61 FFS. Yet I'm the one to worry. My anger is very high DDay was only 6 weeks ago

 

I don't know. So far, I can't. Wish I could.

 

I asked what my husband searched because I have a major curiosity for what I feel replaced me. He told me "everything" he could remember which included "teacher, girl on girl, voyeur, real couples, nurse (I'm a nurse), real boobs (I have a boob job) and teens over 18...and... step daughter/step father P. I have an 18 year old daughter. He also admitted to thinking about her while he was watching that type of P. so he DID make the connection. Now we are separated because I don't trust him around my daughter. He appears to be getting help: professional counseling, joined a support group FMO (for men only with sexual addiction). This is my worst nightmare. I wouldn't have married him if I'd have known he had a porn addiction. He lied to me because he knew I wouldn't marry him. Sad thing is he is a great husband and father and I just cannot believe he went there (my daughter) in his head. We have a beautiful blended family, my 2 kids and his 2 kids. We have worked so hard on building our marriage and family all the while he is poisoning it with porn. Also I find out he is in $27,000. in debt accumulated the last 4 years of our marriage. I really think I can't trust him. I can't put my daughter in danger. I'm broken hearted because I love him. It's been a seriously hard month since I caught him in his lies.

 

D

Dday was Feb 5th when I found out he has been lying to me our whole relationship, been married 4 years with a beautiful blended family that we've worked so hard on meshing. So much roller coater of emotion. I'm acting out with vandalism to things that are sentimental to us. Destroying family pictures with a hammer, poisoning his lube, breaking honeymoon mugs, etc. I am usually so even tempered and have never in my life felt this rage. I'm in counseling, he's in counseling and I made a choice for separation. I don't think we are going to make it. He knew how important it was for porn not to erode our marriage and agreed not to watch. We have 4 beautiful teenaged children that this is affecting. Sometimes I feel like just going into denial and letting him come back and pretending it's not happening... other times I feel I have to show the kids what happens when you lie and betray your love. He's "sorry" and getting help and "hates himself" and is determined to earn my trust back, but how? Is it possible? I'm searching the forums to figure out people's stories of success so that I can maybe get a tiny spark of hope because there is zero trust right now. Completely zero.

 

I am so sorry. I don’t think I could ever get past this.

 

I'm so sorry. How terrible. I'm glad you are here to get some support. Welcome.

 

I really want to see my husband without the addiction. Apparently I have never known him without the addiction because he admitted to it since he was 12. This makes me so sad but also, if he kicks his addiction- I think he will be absolutely awesome because he was a very good husband with the addiction... the problem is how will I know if he does get a handle on this? He was a very sneaky man and I'm not dumb, I looked for it just because I'm paranoid about it! Never saw it. That's what sucks, he's an expert liar.

 

That’s quite common, that partners never knew the addict as a non addict. It was in my case as well. Unfortunately for me, the person he became when he was not addicted was horrible and mean. Mine though did not want to quit, and blamed me for having too. So who knows what his actual personality was? You won’t know if he gets a handle on this. That’s the problem, you have to trust him to be honest with you, and of course he does not have a history of being very honest. Addicts are great liars, and if he’s been lying since a young age, it is often a very difficult pattern to change. It’s almost like lying is his first language and you are trying to teach him a second one. As an adult can we learn to speak a second language we have not heard since we were 11, sure it’s possible, but very difficult and takes a lot of hard work. I wish I could tell you this was going to be an easy road, but I think you know that’s not true. He needs to rebuild that trust.

 

I have never really outright asked. I dont think I want to know, because it would just probably trigger me. The only thing I asked was if anything was underaged. He said no. We all know PA can lie, but I dont really know how I could actually find out... I am choosing to believe him on this. I think, at least for this last relapse it was probably true since he thought I could see his search results.(I never said that, he just assumed because I all the sudden got really suspicious)

 

I know most of the things my PA looked at and yes I feel he is hiding some of it from me because it's too devious. I can feel it in my gut. Underage? NO Teens? NO but there is something lurking in the underbelly of this disease, I know it. I'm just shocked. He looked at big Tits I'm a 32D how big do you need them?? This shit pisses me off. Some of the stuff doesn't shock me at all because I know what he likes. It's the stuff I don't know that makes me sick if that even makes sense.

 

I was able to get a full Disclosure.
After discovery, of course.
He even wrote a list as part of recovery to help reduce his own triggers on flashbacks and to help stay away from certain movies and things.
I think it greatly helped him reduce psubs and my own triggers too.
I occasionally still ask random questions about things he would watch or do.. He used to get mad, but now he just answers.
The answers are all the same, but never automated.
He tells the truth.
I'm grateful for this.
Our life is moving on.

 

I agree it’s the not knowing that makes it worse for many of us. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. What else will you find out? What else is he hiding. And when people are not given the answers they seek they often create answers in their mind which are worse than the truth! That’s why it’s so important for the PA to answer all questions have honestly.

 

It’s hard not to take it personal when I have “world class fake boobs”... and he searched “real boobs”. Or sexy nurse... and I’m a nurse!!! And I’m fit too... so um. It just hurts.

 

If it helps I have 34DD and I am 5’2 all natural and my ex fiancé still was a porn addict, who looked at women with big boobs. It does not matter. What it comes down to is that his addiction is not about you. We cannot expect to compete with 100s of women, most of whom have their primary job to look good. They spend tons of money and their days being the perfect fantasy. Real women are not like that and even if you were how could you compete with 100 women? Do you expect your man to compete with David Beckham, the entire football team of the New ENgland Patriots, and name 100 other stars? Of course not because he never could. You are sexually attracted to him not just for how he looks, but for who he is as an individual. Porn addiction is not about the partner. Porn addiction is not about the partner. Porn addiction is not about the partner. I said it three times on purpose. I know it’s hard not to take it personally, I sure did. But now that I have left my ex I can totally see this to be true. And it was the addicts on here that taught me that lesson. One said to me “the most perfect girl could walk off the screen into his room and he would still use porn and look at other women,” and that’s the absolute truth. Addicts do not have the normal”attraction” that you and I are used to. Their attraction has warped into an addiction, and so viewing it from logical non addict standards will not work.

 

Honestly I think a lot of it has to do with being able to look whenever you want. To have total selfish control without having to deal with another person. NOBODY is going to be available as often as a PA wants them to be. Even if he was looking at pics of his SO it still is just a selish internal act that allows him to ignore another person’s feelings and project his own thoughts on her in fantasy. Its all about the freedom to do what you want without any fear of rejection and without the work of interacting with a real person. IMO

 

Despite what was said, I am pretty much ALWAYS available to my husband. I think that is what hurt the most. He knew I virtually never say no. And that was a conscious effort to meet his needs so I thought I would get the same respect of him meeting my needs. Apparently that is not how it works.
And it has fueled my insecurity because I am relatively small chested. I always have been, always will be. However, I am very fit (regularly run a 12 mile run and a 6 mile run each week)

Additionally, I think back to when I even used to view this content...prior to my husband all long term relationships were with women, and I would only watch gay men.... So I mean that was clearly not something I wanted in real life. Kind of helps me rationalize this vs. Real life actual wants. Its a bizarre beast.