What I learnt after 45 days hardmode

I decided to break hardmode recently, at day 45 - because our relationship was suffering in some form, and external pressure from work meant we really needed to support each other. I'll update the journal entries up to day 45 in the same form as above, as they are written in a handy little book I carry around with me. Work has been so crazy I haven't had time to journal regularly and I believe this is not ideal - if you can be journaling daily it's a wonderful help.

Whilst there has been something of a chaser effect since being with my wife (and I really wish there wasn't) I haven't relapsed, and I praise God for the strength he's given me to get this far. I had a moment of peace this morning driving down into town - I just felt that things were ok, and would be ok. This is a rare feeling for me at the moment! Ironically, tonight I struggled and nearly got myself into trouble, at day 89 PMO free! It's strange how and when the addiction strikes - you honestly couldn't pick it.

For both my wife and I, having the space from sex and sexuality has given us incredible valuable time to assess ourselves and where our focus lies in life. The concept of fasting is something we rarely indulge in this day and age, but may be one of the most enlightening things we can do.

The 45 days hardmode was very difficult, as my sporadic and cranky journal entries suggest! We discovered a lot about trusting each other, realistic life balance, where we should be putting our energy and what is important (like spending good time giving our dog much needed attention, who doesn't like me writing on the computer). For example, burning out with work stress? Not worth it. I realise we've hit our threshold in terms of raw time and output - we are currently running at capacity getting two businesses off the ground + working full time + now needing to move house too. Just the way life is.

Was going hardmode a good idea in the middle of significant life development? I believe so - there's no perfect time to tackle this addiction and behaviour - asap is best, regardless of the cost. The long term consequences are far worse. Going forward involves shedding some of this intense stress - but sometimes you simply need to work hard for a period of time and we are incredibly blessed compared to many other less privileged individuals.

However, in this hypothetical less stressed environment, sexuality can flourish in the true sense of connected intimacy - not reaction based, not hurt based, not self-soothing based, but true love and focus on the other.

I would like one day to do 90 days hardmode, and I'm sure the opportunity will be provided when the time is right.