What I must do while I am single

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by calo9025, Dec 27, 2015.

  1. calo9025

    calo9025 Fapstronaut

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    Hello there everyone.

    Like some others on here, I struggle with loneliness. Here is a little bit of my story and a realization that I have had. I am 25, still a virgin, and been single pretty much my whole life. I have been on a few dates and almost got in a relationship a few times but they didn't pan out. This has been a big frustration in my life. I have seen a lot of my friends get married and I am still single. I would get so depressed by it and like a lot of you on here I would use PMO to ease that pain or as a substitute for having a girlfriend. Little did I know that it kind of killed my confidence when it comes to girls.

    I started this nofap challenge and it has helped but I would get frustrated because I am still single. I just want to be with someone. I went to church today and the message I heard spoke to me. It was a message about finding your identity and following your dreams and asking God to prepare you for the moments that he had planned for your life. Porn addiction was also mentioned in that message which got my attention really quick. While I am getting better, I am still addicted to porn.

    I got home and took a nap which isn't uncommon for me on a Sunday and while I was laying there I was praying about what I heard and what has been going on through my life. While I was doing that I came to this realization. In the past I thought being in a relationship would cure my PMO addiction. That is not the case. I would still have problems and it would not be fair if I met the woman of my dreams as a PMO addict. She deserves a better version of myself that what I am now.There are other areas of my life that need to change as well if I want to be the man that a good woman deserves. I need to grow up and be a man instead of the boy I am now.

    I felt like today that God was saying my future wife is out there, I just have to become the man that will give her a fulfilling relationship. I remembered a quote I heard saying instead of trying to search for the one, work on becoming the one. So I will work on becoming the one. It will be hard work and I may have to be single just a little while longer, but it will be worth it.
     
  2. Yandere Scientist

    Yandere Scientist Fapstronaut

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    Hello. That's funny because you and me came to the same conclusion even though we didn't follow the same path.
    I am concerned by everything you have said. About being virgin, friends being married(and I would add: having kids . . .*sigh* I envy them), escaping by porn and masturbation.
    And like you, I thought that having a girlfriend would eradicate this fap-adict problem, would release me from my fears about future and myself. But I was wrong. The answer is inside of us. We don't have the same religion(in fact, I'm a deist) but we came to the same thing: if we want God to help us, we have to prove him(and ourselves) that we want that life.
    Do you really want to have a nice wife ? Yes, you want. I'm sure you feel it inside of you. So you have some struggle to do. You're doing well, I see that it's been 30 days since you last PMO and all. I'm having a more hard time than you, but I don't want to give up, it's funny, I havent felt this determined since really long ago.

    I feel more and more certain about a thing: that a woman is waiting for you, but she's waiting for the man who feel like a man, who have a good self-esteem of himself and who's capable to struggle for something.
     
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  3. calo9025

    calo9025 Fapstronaut

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    It's amazing how we came to that same conclusion. I still struggle. I'm counting MO and PMO and I had an MO reset the other day. It's a long journey and I will probably have to be patient but it will be worth it at the end. I'm going to try to change my mindset. When I do feel down about being single, instead of dwelling in it and wishing it will happen, I'm going to try to say what can I do to make myself ready for that special someone.
     
  4. LongWayHome

    LongWayHome Fapstronaut

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    Oh hell man. I felt something when reading your post.
    We, I mean everyone, want to be normal. Have normal life with awesome wife that make your life truly the best.
    That's why the path of NoFap is really awesome. It makes us into a real man.
    I don't know what brings you to post it here, but mate - that really made me to use this energy. Thank you for this post.
    I will workout even more, I will make even more challenges to make myself a strong male, that makes this one woman fall with me and make her life even more awesome than mine. In the end, giving is more fun than taking, right?
     
  5. hopefulbrain

    hopefulbrain Fapstronaut

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    Create an image of who you want to be in your head and think about how to become that person. Its easier to change single than it is while with someone. Right now youre primed for evolution you have everything you need to become the best version of yourself its an exciting time period
     
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  6. This is a great way to approach singleness, friend! Kudos to you and gratitude to God for revealing this valuable lesson to you. It will make this time in your life so much more fruitful than sitting around being depressed/lonely or spending all of your time searching for the perfect woman. Trust God -- He has your love story all mapped out, and He's not going to let you miss it by accident because you weren't paying enough attention. If you're focused on other things, trust me, He will direct your heart to your lady when the time is right.
     
    Abdulaziz Yusuf likes this.
  7. calo9025

    calo9025 Fapstronaut

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    I didn't think I would get this much response from this post but I am glad I did. You guys have encouraged me and given me a different way to look at this season in my life. I need to be reminded from time to time that 25 is still young and I have plenty of time to make my dreams come true or to even discover new dreams.
     
  8. I totally feel you there, man! I'm only 22 and I often feel overwhelmed by the sense that I don't have enough time for everything I want to do in life.

    I recently learned a lot from a wise elderly woman who has been a public speaker for, oh, maybe 20 years, has written 14 books, sang opera professionally for 15 years, and is able to say, now, nearing the end of her days, that she has accomplished everything she's ever wanted in life. Lesson I learned that day? Life is longggg!! Use your time wisely, but don't waste it by living in frantic chaos.
     
    makethatchange likes this.
  9. Francesco

    Francesco Fapstronaut

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    This is quite inspired/inspiring. Thanks for sharing dude.
     
  10. Machin

    Machin Fapstronaut

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    I'm 40 so I have a different take on this.
    I married when I was 21.
    I thought then that it would help me and that getting married meant I was someone good, and I would have a good life. I was wrong.
    I have a good life because of who I am, not because of the people around me.

    You won't find anyone on earth to "complete" you.
    You can't be complete with someone unless you're complete by yourself, alone.
    Nobody can love you more than you love yourself.

    Don't worry about the person you'll meet as a PMO addict.
    If you're a PMO addict, you'll attract a woman attracted by PMO addicts, and she will deserve it.
    If you want to have a great family with a great woman, get over your addictions first.
    Live now so you can tell stories to your kids later.
    Go out, hike, travel, meet new people, try new sports, new jobs.
    Do what other wish but are afraid to do, and you will have the life that others wish to have.
    Do interesting and audacious things to become an interesting and audacious man.

    And then you will marry an interesting and audacious woman and raise interesting and audacious kids.

    NoFap is a milestone on this road, so keep going
     
  11. ^ "live now"

    Great advice for everyone here, myself included. Thanks for that reminder. It's all too easy to put off your dreams out of fear, uncertainty, or a million other factors, but time is never garunteed.
     
  12. crazypaki

    crazypaki Fapstronaut

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    Keep it up dude you're an inspiration to all of us. :D
     
  13. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

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    I would say just enjoy you life and do fun staff and talk to people. Girls are attracted to happy people. They are like you! They suffer lonliness, shyness, social anxiety and depression! All you need to do is open your mouth to them and talk to them like they are a male. Most people think they need to be on their best behaviour when they approach chicks but it is nothing further from the truth. Being transparent, honest, vunerable allowes them to be honest with you in return.
    There is nothing wrong with saying:" I would really like to invite you for a coffiee but I feel shy you would refuse me! " Honesty and sincerity works like magic!

    People often act and pretend to be perfect when they approach the opposite sex and after a while their relation ships brake down because they were hiding stuff.

    Nowadays when I get overcomed by anxiety or fear I imagine that person PMOing and immediately I feel at the same level they are at! It makes me grin because I know their secret :)
     
    Lexy likes this.
  14. calo9025

    calo9025 Fapstronaut

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    Just read this post again and all of the responses. With the struggle I had this week, it's nice to read this again and remember why I am doing this. Thank you to all who have responded. It has helped tremendously.
     
  15. melancholy king

    melancholy king Fapstronaut

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    You are good enough as is, the idea that you have to do x,y, and z in order to be good enough is silly. healing the wounds that porn (and many other things I might add) has inflicted upon your body and your mind is a good thing to do, don't get me wrong, however the idea that because you are an addict that somehow you are simply "out of" the dating game is just wrong to me. You can still be a good husband (or lover or whatever) right now, and if you want to end your porn addiction then that's great but don't just keep assuming you aren't good enough for it, that'll just weigh you down man.

    btw what church did you go to? didn't know churches talked about that kind of stuff man, good to hear though.
     
  16. calo9025

    calo9025 Fapstronaut

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    I definitely see what you are saying. I'm not really disqualifying myself from dating but PMO definitely makes me feel like I'm not good enough to date anyone and that's one of the things I am trying to conquer. Another thing is I used to think that finding a girlfriend/wife would solve all of my problems and I have learned that the problems would have still existed whether I'm single or taken. I am definitely better than I was a year ago or even a couple months ago.

    Yeah it's a church in Springfield MO. They have been bringing that topic up lately and they are even starting a bible study for men to try to conquer their porn addiction. It's definitely uncharted waters for a church to talk about that topic but it is pretty cool.
     
    melancholy king likes this.
  17. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    Totally...
    I'm MO'ing since Im 13yo, now Im 40+. I PMO'd in my teens watching porn flicks, magazines, etc (no internet back then).

    I was single during my teen years, no confidence in myself, and girls looking the other way. Frustrating. I MARRIED THE FIRST GIRL THAT LOOKED AT ME. Pretty sad, really. 5 years of my life I'll never get back. I just jumped at that girl just like it was the last life raft leaving the ship. I had real sex with her, but eventually we started to be less and less into each other. I didn't get to know her enough, I was so scared to lose the my only chance...lol that was stupid.

    Anyway, I was PMO'ing during that relationship, especially when I became real sex starved by that girl.

    I became single for 2 years, no dating. I took the opportunity to learn about myself and heal. Then I met another women, way more mature and gentle. We are together for 18 years, married, we got a kid together...I PMO'd thru that relationship also and the internet got faster and faster. Coolidge effect hit me hard and I spent hundreds of hours browsing pics and P videos. Real sex was always the same (became vanilla) and I started to develop PIED. I'm healing myself again, because of this site and the nice community.

    I had 3 occurences of real sex in 14 days, which is decent. I had no PIED issues and I seemed to enjoy real sex more.

    The morale of the story...stop the porn consumption, that will hurt you and the girl you will eventually be with. Also, learn about yourself and heal before you get too excited about dating.

    I wish you a nice girl. You don't find girls btw, they mysteriously appear when you expect them the least. Don't stress out and engage in activities involving others. Meet people for the sake of fun and discussion, the rest will follow.
     
    melancholy king and ChristoX8 like this.
  18. Iwillchange

    Iwillchange Fapstronaut

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    I am currently in a relationship, and I think lot of problems won't be solved whether you are alone or with somebody. I wish I had worked harder when I am alone, because relationship takes lot of work and maintenance, and sometimes it can confuse you even more. If anything, work your ass off. Make yourself the best you can be, and enjoy whatever life have to throw you. Just my two cents.
     

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