What I Want from a Reboot

Greetings to whoever may be reading this.

I'm posting in here to tell my story, state what I suffer from, and state what I hope to gain from becoming involved with NoFap and going through a "reboot" process.

First off, I'm not against porn. I don't what to quit porn. Actually, I can agree that there is a lot wrong with porn nowadays, namely that it places unrealistic expectations on people. In today's porn, you got fake women, with waxed bodies, fake implants, and fake faces, fucking with fake men with waxed bodies, gi-normous cocks and ripped muscles, reading fake lines, going through fake motions in fake scenarios. (Because it's totally realistic that a couple fucks on a bus while it's going through the city right?) It's like watching Barbie dolls fuck. It's all fake. So the kind of porn I enjoy is amateur porn; real men, real women having average sex, enjoying a real moment. Needless to say that mainstream porn is lost on me.

Even though I don't think there is anything wrong with realistic porn, porn has become kind of like a crutch for me, and though I don't want to quit, I do want to be able to survive without it. I'll elaborate how porn became part of the equation in what I see as the problem that I have.

Masturbation is also something that I don't have a problem with, and I do not want to quit. I don't think there is anything wrong with masturbation, but I do think that there is something wrong with the way I masturbate, and I'll go into that soon.

I think it is a good thing to start from the very beginning, a very good place to start.

I discovered masturbation by rubbing my penis on things. I can remember the very first orgasm I experienced in my life. I was in the 2nd grade, and I was about 9 years old. I was at school, playing on one of those wooden apparatuses they have sitting in large sandboxes. The bell had rung, indicating that morning recess was over, and I needed to find a quick way to get down from where I was playing. I was at the top of the apparatus, and there was a log that led all the way down to the bottom. I grabbed hold of the log and proceeded to slide down to the ground, not noticing that my penis was up against it. As I slid down, a wonderful sensation raced through my pelvis through my entire body. The pleasure was so intense, that it knocked me out. All at once, my vision became white. I couldn't see a thing. When I woke up, I was laying face up in the sandbox, with the wooden log between my legs. All the children had gone back to their classrooms, and I was the only boy out on the playground. I got up, dusted myself off and ran to my class as fast as I could. I would return to this part of the playground to play on this log and try to recreate these feelings all over again.

From that point on, I started rubbing my pelvis on many different surfaces. I would hump the arms of the couch, I would hump the sand at school, I would hump the carpet while watching TV. Eventually what ended up happening was, I got used to masturbating on the floor. My mother eventually noticed, and she told me I couldn't hump the couch or the floor. I hid under the bed to do this. So no one would ever find out I was masturbating. I need to be more detailed; I am intact (as in, my foreskin wasn't cut off at birth) and I would hump my flaccid penis on the ground. Once I started ejaculating, the ejaculate would stay in my foreskin until I'd go "drain" it in the toilet.

I must have been about 16 when I discovered that what I was doing was a problem. Actually, up until that point, I believed that I had never masturbated in my life. Sometimes I would hear guys at school talk about it. Sometimes I would get asked directly "So hey. Do you uh, you know?" (Up and down fist motion.) I would say "No! I don't do that, ya pervert!" (Little did I know!) I found a website that described perfectly what I did. I remember reading the website, and I remember it telling me that masturbating in the way I did, face down in the prone position, humping things, was a problem, that guys that did this often have trouble having orgasms with their partners, so I decided I wanted to change.

The website recommended I stop masturbating for a week, and then try to masturbate using only my hand. So that's what I did. After a week, I tried masturbating, but I couldn't get off. After ages and ages, I just couldn't get off. I had to wait until I got soft so I could hump the floor. When I hump the floor, I could get off in minutes. Not when I use my hand.

In college, I decided I'd go for two weeks. I wanted to wean myself from the floor and get onto my hand ASAP. College is the place where you go have sex for fun right? I wanted to be ready. After two weeks of abstaining, I finally decided to start masturbating, only with my hand. Again, it took ages. Ages and ages. Ages and ages and PORN. I was finally able to achieve orgasm using my hand, but I had to watch porn and imagine things. It was an interesting sensation to see myself finally squirt. I wasn't ready for it. I completely soiled my clothes and I had to change and take a shower.

But that wasn't the end. I thought I could do it again. I thought that from now on when I masturbated, I would masturbate using only my hand. Didn't work. It still took me AGES to and much effort to masturbate using my hand. It was so much easier just to hump the floor or the bed. So I went back to the floor or the bed whenever I felt orgasm wasn't eminent. I developed a dependency for porn, and I developed what I discovered later to be "death grip." The funny thing is, when I hump the floor, I could orgasm in minutes! With no porn! But I need porn and a long, long time to masturbate with my hand. My shortest time is about 10 minutes if I'm lucky. Additionally, I had to put in a lot of effort, jacking off as fast as I could, clutching and stroking my dick as if I were strangling a goose. Sometimes, after masturbation, my shoulder hurt! At times, I would get an arm cramp and I had to stop.

I believe that this way of masturbating has had negative effects on me. First, to date, no sexual partner has been able to bring me to orgasm via hand job or oral. I had a terrible misadventure in college, where I was rock hard, this girl was stroking me, but she just couldn't get me off. I'm a little bi-curious, and I've had masturbation sessions with a friend or two in the past; it either took me ages and looking at porn, or I just couldn't bring myself off, ending in total embarrassment. I started avoiding situations like this because I didn't want to be embarrassed in front of my friends.

When I had my first penetrative encounter, it took me ages to orgasm. Actually, with the first steady girlfriend I had, I didn't orgasm the first few times. Finally, we were both overjoyed when I orgasmed while I was inside her. This was after like an hour! Still, sex was a chore, rather than enjoyment with her, so we didn't have sex much. Actually, it was one of her complaints. My girlfriend! Complained to me! That I didn't come on to her as much as she had liked! This is every other guy's dream come true!

I'm currently married, and the problem of me being able to orgasm continues. Depending on the day, it takes me ages to orgasm with my wife. Sometimes it'll be hours, she'll be sore and we just have to call it a day. So now, we don't really enjoy sex, just aim for me to get off, and if it happens, that's "success." My wife has never been able to masturbate me or bring me to orgasm orally.

When I'm having sex with my wife, I'm not always "in the moment." I close my eyes and imagine things. I imagine I'm not in my own body; I dissociate. I imagine myself above the room, looking at me fuck, and getting off to that. When I'm masturbating, I either need porn, or I close my eyes and I'm trying to find a scene in my head that will get me off. I'm not enjoying the feelings I get from stimulating myself. I'm intact! I'm supposed to be "super sensitive." I don't enjoy the feelings of my wife masturbating me or going down on me. I'm "not there," because I'm getting off to some fantasy. I'm not "in the moment."

Recently, I had an encounter with another guy friend. (My wife knows I sometimes have masturbation sessions with other guys, and she's OK with that.) It had been years since my last masturbation encounter. Well, again, it took ages. I was a disappointment. My friend shot his load, and I was there, rock hard, and I wasn't even close. That was the last straw. I want to do something about this. I want more control. I want to enjoy myself and "be there" in the moment. Sex is supposed to be fun! Not a chore! Something's wrong with my dick. I think it's broken...

So what do I hope to achieve coming here?

I don't necessarily want to "wean myself" off of porn; I think that some porn is good. Though I don't think porn is necessarily a bad thing, I do feel I've come to be dependent on it, and I want to have control. I want to to be able to enjoy the moment, the physical sensations I'm feeling, without drifting off into a fantasy. I want to enjoy the real, the "now."

I want to get rid of the "death grip." I want to be able to get off on *sensations* and the moment. When I'm watching porn, I'm watching porn, but I want to be able to be there with myself, focus on myself, enjoy myself when I'm making love to myself, and, enjoy the moment when I'm with my partner and "be there." Porn is nice, but not always. If I'm watching porn, then I'm not actually paying attention to myself, am I.

I don't think it's a problem with porn because obviously, I can get off without it when I'm humping the floor; I want to be able to achieve what I achieve on the floor, with my hand, with my partner.

I've developed this bad habit using porn and fantasy, and a "death grip" because it's what was needed to transition from the floor to my hand.

Now, I'm ready to transition from porn and the "death grip," to enjoying myself, enjoying my partner without the *need* for those external things. (Though I still want to keep them around, if that makes sense.) If I were out in the woods, and I wanted to get off, I probably couldn't do it without the aid of porn. I'd have to use my imagination, I would have to take time, and what I do to myself, to my own dick, probably borderlines on self-abuse.

Is it possible to enjoy masturbation? To enjoy sex? To enjoy the sensations I feel in my body? Without fully depending on porn? Without literally beating myself? Fucking my partner raw? To feel control, and be able to release when I actually want to, not just hope it comes?

Because that's what I want to do. That's where I want to be.

To begin, I'm going to start off with a week in hard mode. No porn, no physical stimulation, no orgasm.

I'll masturbate in a week, and see if I can enjoy it without porn, trying to enjoy the sensations I get from my hand, abstain from "death grip," etc.

Ultimately, it may be necessary to do a full 90-day "reboot," but for now, I want to try the seemingly achievable goal of 7 days.

So here we go.

That's why I'm here, and that's what I aim to achieve.

 

Thanks for the tips. (Pun absolutely intended. )

I'm usually pretty good about not touching myself unless I absolutely have to. Peeing, washing, and fixing myself. (Hey, I gotta do it, otherwise, it's uncomfortable.)

I LOVE to look at porn. Well, not "love," but it is a turn on. But, I think I can do a good job of staying away from it during my reboot period. I DO want to be able to bring myself off without the *need* for porn though, so I think "rebooting" with absolutely no porn may be helpful for me.

Removing sexual thoughts may be a challenge. I mean, how do you NOT think something is "hot?" The way I'm planning to manage this is simply to stay away from porn. Wife is currently pregnant, so it's not like she's available.

If something should arise *cough cough* I'll definitely do my best to move on to other things quickly.

Journal started here.

I definitely have other hobbies I keep occupied with. Plenty of books.

Yesterday, went jogging. Hadn't done that in a long time. I'm wondering if I should do that daily, or once every other day... Body is sore today. (I didn't jack off. Honest.)

I tried meditation before. I think I need to get back into it.

Accountability partner... Hmm... I'll think about it. I think I can manage by myself, and coming and reporting here for now.

Again, thanks for your replies and advice.

 

Well, I don't necessarily view "PMO" as any sort of "enemy," but I do think there is a problem with the way I masturbate and enjoy sex.

I think a "reboot" might help me by "rewiring" my system.

What I'm doing to abstain from porn, masturbation and orgasming right now is simply to put it out of sight, out of mind.

I think I might have the will power to stay away from these things for the time being.

I'll just have to stay away from porn sites, not touch myself, and the orgasming part should follow.

I'm on my second day, and I don't feel the urge or compulsion to masturbate just yet.

My current goal is 7 days.

I might decide to do more after that.

 

Thanks!