What if I hate people and am ugly?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by kickbuttmario, Feb 27, 2016.

  1. kickbuttmario

    kickbuttmario Fapstronaut

    This is going to be a long post and I hope some of you read it. It isn't really a life's story kind of thing, but rather experience(s) that I just wish to share with you all, and I hope that you read it just so you can get the point of the title and its question. It is long so please do bear with me because I do hope some of you can give me some of your insight and help me out here.

    So... Back at the beginning of 2013, I was a wreck. I had bi-lateral attraction-alopecia (baldness, issue), was overweight (220 pds for 5'8), jerked off like no tomorrow, was ugly as sin and I even looked like a girl, as my looks were from my mom's side. I had several anxiety/ocd issues and even had sleep apnea. I was called ugly by most people (both men and women), they found me repulsive so I decided that changes had to be made. I took a break from school (about 1.5 years), quit my part-time job, and mostly focused on this stuff, because I seriously wanted to change things. As of now, my alopecia is slowly being taken care of (getting the money right now to get a hair transplant), lost about 70-80 pds of weight and got tons of muscle (almost at the point where my belly fat is gone and can get to the abs part), but... unfortunately, I was still getting called ugly/girl by most people to this day.

    Now, since most of us here are doing nofap for the main benefit of getting ourselves to have the courage in asking out women and hoping to christ they say yes and decide to touch our peepee, I can safely say that was the main reason why I wanted to do it too. I want to be with women and I want them to be with me. It is that primal need and belonging for us humans to feel "complete". Most here, I would presume are in it for the long haul because they find it that the benefit for us is to be able to pleasure our gals in the best way possible is awesome. Then you have the mental benefits, which are all fucking fantastic. Not to mention, the sleep benefits. But again... what if you are ugly?

    Before all these issues really started, I still had the ability to be able to talk to women with some level of confidence. Some would talk with me, ask me to sit next to them, and I would be super happy too... Yes, I was ugly still but I didn't think I was that bad. But when these issues started, most of my female friends stopped saying hello to me, some would never look at me, I would hear their "just don't look at him" comments from time to time, and my anxiety would get worse from there on then.

    Even from 2013, I made a commitment to myself to get to the point where women can look at me, and say, "wow, that guy is a solid looking fellow" or whatever lingo they will use. I was hoping that I can attain that "primal need" for me to feel "complete". However, it was 2016. Even at the beginning of September 2014 of University, I would get the worse comments from these fucking people (again, both men and women). It was at this point that I started to really hate people. Like, I MEAN, REALLY HATE THEM. I don't know when this started, but I started to take the philosophy of karma and turn it into my own design. For example; "hey, you think I look like shit, well guess what? I will fucking make sure I think you look ugly and if there is ever a chance I can rape you, cum inside you, and throw you in the trash can where you belong, I WOULD AND WILL FIND A WAY". It was that level of shit. I even started to force myself to like and find men attractive, because, it was mostly men that helped me with my issues throughout the years. Not to mention the friends I had for years were men. Heck, at some point, I started to jerk it to gay-porn just so I could avoid women. But none of it really mattered, because, again, I am ugly.

    Even throughout my meditation sessions, even as I went into that "void" state, that conclusion would still come up. I don't know how it began or when, but at some point, I really couldn't think of any reason for loving men/women. I have been trying to find ways, to force myself to not jerk off anymore, because I don't want to feel attracted to anyone, and hope to Christ I can be that asexual individual, where I have the perfect sleeps, spend time doing things I like, and ya know, being "happy". A month ago, I achieved the whole 18 day nofap thing, and I was super super proud of myself. However, I did relapse. Some girl who I thought had a positive view on me insulted me. I went home and just jerked it, to make myself feel better. I even drank my own cum just so I can feel it... Again though, none of it really mattered. As of now, I would relapse every now and then, after like every 4 days, with that urge to get rid of my sexual desires. Which is something I really want to work on. I want to be asexual, just so I can avoid all of this.

    There isn't much to say beyond this. Title of the page is there, and I hope some of you can read this and give me a comment or a reply, or something. Thanks.

    PS. I also noticed many here saying that meditation also helps. Yet, from my experience, meditation and sex don't go hand-in-hand. Sorta contradictory actually. Most here I'm guessing are using it to help calm their mind from the problems, but I always figured its to not make you feel so materialistic.
  2. kickbuttmario

    kickbuttmario Fapstronaut

  3. Hey KBM,

    Sorry you've had such a tough time. I'm not sure I can offer much useful advice, but I wanted to let you know that someone is reading.

    As it happens, I'm not here to make myself more attractive to women. I have a partner and am very lucky. I'm here because porn was having a terrible effect on me and on the way I look at women. I want to be better. Do this for yourself and to give yourself a better life.

    I'd echo what RMS says about appearance too. It's a cliche because it's true. You are how you are. Change what you can (and one thing you can't change is the way other people - who sound like twats from your description - think.)

    Meditation is great. It just makes your brain work better. It doesn't have to be "about" any particular thing. There's a ton of good research on how well it works to make us better thinkers. Give it a try if you can.

    I'm sorry I can't add more. I don't want to preach or give you stuff you've heard a hundred times before. You're having some very dark thoughts and I hope you can change those. Can you access some sort of counselling, therapy or group? Maybe you need somewhere to talk.

    Hopefully you'll get some better help than this. But you're looking to make a positive change and that's a huge plus for you and evidence of great courage. Stopping PMO won't sort all your problems out, but I think it will be a big help for you.

    This is good if you haven't read it:


    I really do wish you well, KBM. :)
  4. Hellboy123

    Hellboy123 Fapstronaut

    It sounds like you need to work on how to talk to people more than "fixing yourself". Once that comes, and you begin to exert a new type of energy around people, you'll improve. Don't focus on sex, instead, building relationships with other humans, first and foremost should be your main priority.

    One step at a time.

    Sexual frustration is picky, but until you learn to appreciate other people, respect them, you will not be respected back. Also, check who and where you're meeting these people. There are many ways to meet new circles in life, through music, culture and hobbies, outside of work that may open up new doorways.

    The fact that people are commenting on your looks sounds very rude, as it's not something people generally do.

    From personal experience, I was not too picky about looks when raising my notches to higher levels in the past. I, respectfully threw all biases out the window and got laid more than ever. Vagina is vagina dude. You need to start at the bottom. My personality and approach was the same. I generally treat women like princesses once I'm in the door, so they get that feeling that we all want, even if it's only for a few occasions.

    When you lose control, you need to make sure you understand where you went wrong, so as to improve upon the control of your feelings in the future, should a similar situation arise.
  5. Thechosenone

    Thechosenone Fapstronaut

    Get yourself a hobby that you feel is fun. Drawing running music. "forget about it"
  6. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    Shoot, that story took a turn! Gotta love those plot twists :)

    Yeah, there was a period of time where I had a negative outlook on humanity. I strongly disliked the state of the world and human tendencies to be selfish and greedy (and all of the vices that accompany them). However, the tendencies I saw in others I also saw in myself. So out of all the people I hated, I hated myself the most.
    It's not good to be coming from a place of self-loathing and of loathing others. That feeling sucks. I soon realized that deep down, people just want to be loved (and this doesn't have to be sexual...most would settle for a really good friendship over a really shallow sexual relationship). I realized I could give them this love, even if they did not love me back (or love me in the same way). I realized that I didn't want my life to be wasted in hate. I wanted to positively impact the world, even if it seems like everyone else is out for themselves (regrettably, I fall in this category sometimes) and are trying to destroy it.

    I have also contemplated the benefits of being asexual. I've often thought of how beneficial it would be to cut off my package. Then, I could live a life without temptation. I wouldn't have to care about developing relationships, right? Then I thought about it. And realized this isn't true. Even if I was asexual, I would still have to interact with other humans. I would still have to put up with the flaws of others and myself. Being asexual may have some benefits (you don't have to seek approval from another party), but it doesn't solve all of one's problems. Even if I had cut it off, I would still long for deep, meaningful relationships.

    People long for belonging. They want a group to be a part of (even if that "group" is merely one other person). But to be a part of a group, one needs to be willing to accept, or at least tolerate, the flaws of others. One shouldn't expect more of others than they expect of themselves. If I want to be loved by others and be seen as more than just my physical body (which is flawed), then I need to love others for more than what I see in this physical realm. Usually, the more love you extend, the more love you receive. And the more hate you extend, the more hate you receive. This is not always the case. But for the most part, there is some truth to it.

    Being bullied sucks, man. Exclusion sucks even worse. I totally understand. Been there and done that. In a way, we're a lot alike...though I've never drank my own cum ;). But I believe you can push through. I believe in you. You just need to find a place to belong. Try new interests. Interact with a plethora of different people. You'll eventually find a place where you feel you fit in. And if you don't, then just know that the feeling of not belonging is pretty universal. I think it's called existential loneliness. I would make the assertion that no one truly believes they fit in 100% of the time.

    Anyway, my advice, for what it's worth, is to try focusing on the positives. You lost a good amount of weight. You put on muscle. You're making some changes for your physical health. That's AWESOME! All you need to do now is try to attend to your social and emotional health. And for that, all you need to do is interact with others. If they reject you, move on to the next person. The whole world can't reject you. It's a big planet. There is someone out there who finds you attractive and worthwhile. You just have to find them. They may be on the Island of Misfit Toys. But hey, the island has it's perks. I actually kind of like it here :D

    Going beyond that, physical beauty is only skin deep. Everyone ages. Our physical body is so fragile and feeble, at least in regards to beauty. So people should look more to the inside than the outside. It doesn't mean everyone does, but some do. There is a phenomenon where you get to know someone and they look different after you get to know them. If you saw them as unattractive at first and they have an awesome personality, you start to see them as more beautiful (even physically). If you saw them as attractive at first and they have an awful personality, you start to see them as ugly. I think that our mind has a way of seeing past the physical to see the true spirit of a person, though this takes time. At first, all we see is the physical body. After a while, we see the spirit.

    There have been scientific studies that support the idea that meditation can improve focus and overall emotional well-being (you can google Dr. David Richardson and meditation...there may also be some YouTube videos). I think meditation can give one a new perspective on things and help with relaxation. Now...that doesn't mean I am good about actually doing it myself. I would like to, but I have a hard time sitting still and focusing for that long. Gonna keep at it, though!

    Super sorry for the long post. Good luck! Keep on pressing forward! You can do it!
  7. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    Star Lord likes this.
  8. kickbuttmario

    kickbuttmario Fapstronaut

    Hey guys. Thanks for the replies. There are a couple of things I want to say to all you but I got to sleep so yeah... Hopefully I can reply to all of you at some point.

    As for the physical beauty part... I don't know. It is hard to say what we men want half the time. For the physical, let me assure you that I know my dick wants them. I get the whole personality thing, but... I don't know... When I saw my female friends ignore me and not ackowledge me after my issues started... My entire world turned upside down... I haven't really been able to have a solid relationship with women at all after that.

    No. Thank you for your post. You are practically one of the few that I think that understood where I was coming from the most. Believe me, when I say, I have tried all of those practices.. well except meeting new people part. I have a lot of shit to do. As for loving myself... Very difficult to do when people make you feel like shit at a consistent basis. And your own parents not helping you buy a hair transplant but yeah...

    Also, I wanted to talk to you about a comic I have been reading called "Go Get a Roomie". It's a lesbian comic, or more or less, a LGBT comic. I am not sure how to really explain it (I'm sure you can wiki it or read it one day when you are bored or have tons of free time) but its about a girl named Roomie who has sex with random girls for a stay in sleep but then she meets Lillian, a random introverted, closed off straight gal. She also sleeps a lot. This comic, to this day, has been fucking with me for so many months. Not because of its sex, but its positivity. It's a feel good comic to a high level but I can never help but feel it has a good message that is still applicable to us humans. "I wonder if I can ever find these connections, where people can accept you and such and such"... I sorta did my best to copy Lillian's sleep issues, because, it is fun to be asleep.

    There is one thing I never did tell you guys... Some of my closest friends did end up stop hanging out with me... I was sure it was also because of my "negative" and they were "positive" but... yeah.
  9. Moogie

    Moogie Fapstronaut

  10. Crispy21

    Crispy21 Fapstronaut

    Same here. Dont let it get you down. Its got me down every day of my life. Sometimes you just wish you were anyone else.
    XPiRED likes this.
  11. philsjoe

    philsjoe Fapstronaut

    dude never give up you've already achieved a lot. Keep on losing weight and dress urself properly and do your hair
    theres no way u can remove ugliness, you can take good care of urself however. we all know that ugly assfuck with the pretty girlfriend. Have some selfrespect man. Love yourself.

    there's basically two options now
    - give up
    - don't give up

    just like they say about nofap: when you're about to give up, keep on going.
    Don't be that insecure pussyboy keep on going man
  12. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    I'll respond to this, but it may not be until the end of the week. It'll probably be a longer post...I'm just a little busy at the moment to sit and write down all my thoughts. And I kinda want to read the comic before I respond :)
  13. kickbuttmario

    kickbuttmario Fapstronaut

    Thanks bud. Will keep this posted and wait for your reply. :)
  14. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    Alright. Sorry for the delay. I'm glad you brought some reading into the discussion. I do enjoy a good read! In fact, I'm going to reference some books and other pop culture in this post. I hope you don't mind!

    And, dude...screw the transplant...rock the skullet :) (http://www.welovemetal.com/devin.html)

    First and foremost, the issue of ugliness. Ugliness--though all in the eye of the beholder--is not something we can help (to a certain degree, we can, but for the most part, we cannot). However, how we react to our ugliness and to others' reactions to our ugliness are completely within our control. And this, in turn, can influence how others perceive us.

    I am proposing that there are two ways in which we respond to our ugliness and others' reactions to our ugliness: Frankenstein Creature vs. Lernean Hydra.

    Frankenstein's Creature
    Most people are familiar with the story of Frankenstein, but I will recap some key points, as I think they are quickly forgotten in favor of the horror of the story. Victor Frankenstein creates a creature from the corpses of other human beings and zaps it to life. It is a hideous creature, and Frankenstein runs away in fear. The creature then goes out into the community and sees that others respond to his ugliness in an unfavorable/negative manner. However, he eventually stumbles upon the cottage of a blind old man. He secretly performs acts of kindness for the family (e.g. chopping wood) for a period of time, not wanting to show himself for fear of a negative reaction. The family is thrilled at these acts of kindness. Seeing that the people respond well to his acts of kindness, the creature decides to introduce himself to the old man, hoping to eventually be accepted by the family. He enters the home of the old man while the family is away and strikes up a conversation with him. Since the man is blind, he cannot be repulsed by the creature's ugliness and can only appreciate the creature as another being. Eventually, the family returns, is repulsed by the creature, and chases the creature off. The creature then becomes a monster ("If I cannot inspire love, I WILL CAUSE FEAR!"), the iconic monster that we have all grown to know and love to see at Halloween. The monster commits murder, among other monstrous acts.
    However, one is left to wonder, had the creature not been chased off by the old man's family--if the old man had stuck up for the creature--would things have turned out differently? Would the creature have become a monster? Or would he have simply been an ugly creature that performed acts of kindness rather than monstrous acts of hate? I imagine that the old man rebuked his family after they had chased off the creature...
    In summary, the creature allowed people's ill informed judgements and first impressions of him determine how he later acted. Had he kept persisting on being kind and helpful, the story may have turned out differently.
    Joker from The Dark Knight (movie): "I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you...stranger."

    Lernean Hydra
    The story of Hercules and his labors are also relatively well-known. For Hercules' second labor, he was required to face a 9-headed monster--the Hydra. Each time one of the Hydra's heads was cut off, two would grow back in it's place. In short, adversity made the creature stronger, not weaker. This is an important point. Pay no attention to the ending of the story :D
    I had a really good instructor not too long ago. She was awesome. She was extremely humorous and was really fun to listen to. It made the class and the material interesting. One reason that I liked this teacher was because she would share some information about her past (sometimes pertinent to the class, sometimes a worthwhile tangent). One day, she shared how as a youngster, she had big, thick glasses; braces on her teeth; and huge, puffy hair. She told this story in a humorous manner, and the class laughed. I laughed along with them.
    Then I thought about it. You can imagine the ridicule she must have gotten as a child. Yet she was now able to laugh at something that must have a source of tremendous pain and grief as a youth. I look at her now, perhaps lacking in physical beauty (though I would never have noticed that), but possessing a gorgeous soul. I did not see ugliness. I saw a fun, spunky personality. I saw an amazing spirt not at all constrained by the body it was confined to. She is bigger than life. Adversity made her stronger.
    There is a book called AntiFragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb (http://cpor.org/af/Taleb_Antifragile.pdf) that covers this principle. He posits that we should focus less on the risks of life and focus more on becoming "antifragile", or what he proposes is the opposite of fragile (something that breaks in response to stress). He states that the opposite of fragile is not resilience or robustness, as things that possess these qualities are durable yet stay the same. The antifragile gets stronger in response to stress.
    In summary, the Hydra becomes stronger in response to stressors/adversity/pain.
    Fredrich Nietzsche: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

    Conclusion on Ugliness
    We can choose to be Frankenstein's creature and become a monster in response to the pain we experience due to our physique and the ridicule it elicits, or we can be the Hydra and become stronger from the adversity that opposes us. Charles Swindoll said, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." I believe this is true. Attitude matters. Which is what I think you may have seen in "Go Get a Roomie."

    On "Go Get a Roomie"
    Very well done comic. I'm only about halfway through, but I plan on finishing. I do indeed like the positivity, as well as the strong characters. A lot of strong messages, too. Kindness can have a transformative effect, as evidenced by Roomie's effect on Lillian. I also think of Esmeralda and Quasimodo in Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame (which is one of my favorite movies, I might add...it also deals with concepts of ugliness, rejection/exclusion, etc.). Attitude and how you approach life can affect how you experience life. Don't let labels define you. Be yourself and be happy in being who you are. Who you are is not dependent on another person. Joy comes from within, not from the outside. You have more power and influence than you give yourself credit for. Being accepted has liberating powers. Etc, etc. These are all awesome lessons. I definitely like the comic as a whole. Thanks for the recommendation :)
    The one qualm I have with the comic is the fact that Lillian is waiting to be rescued. She is a damsel in distress. And Roomie comes along as the knight to save her. The problem arises when one asks, "What if Roomie had not come along?" Unfortunately, if we wait around to be rescued, we may end up waiting our whole lifetime. And this would be a waste. In my opinion, we must rescue ourselves. And if we are able, rescue others in the process.

    I'm sorry to hear that your friends turned on you. It seems to happen from time to time. I can't remember who said it but I found this quote applicable at different points in my life: "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"
    Don't give up on humanity because of some crumby friends. There are some genuine and sincerely good people out there who would accept you as you are. Keep looking, and don't give up until you've found them!
    And depression sucks, man. Trust me. It's not as glamorous as it's made out to be in popular culture. Fight it the best you can. Don't give into the temptation to sleep your life away. Let your life mean something more.

    As a final note, everyone can relate to turning an inner hurt into an outer rage. You are not alone in that. At all. So don't be discouraged.

    It is better to see and experience someone rising far above and beyond their pain into a realm of transcendence. Be the Hydra, not Frankenstein's creature. Be Nietzsche, not the Joker. Be the knight, not the damsel. You get the idea. You're a rockstar. Even if only in your own mind (the only mind that truly matters). There is a graphic novel series called The Sandman (by Neil Gaiman). If you enjoy the comic medium, I would recommend it to you. It's pretty good. I got about halfway through it before getting distracted or busy or something... Anyway, there is a part in there about a man who believes himself to be the Emperor of the United States. He is not, but he believes it in his own mind, which makes it a reality for him. The interesting part of the story is that this is based on a real person (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emperor_Norton).
    Reality is created by the individual, which can be good or bad. We are what we believe. The world is as we believe it is. What we believe impacts how we act. This is one reason why I think Roomie is able to be so joyous and positive all of the time (she believes in the good of everyone and everything...she loves the world).

    The moral of the story: Don't let others dictate who you are. Create your own person. And love that person the best you can :D

    Sorry for the absolutely massive post (I'm glad they don't limit the length of these things)! I apologize if it got a little lecture-ish. That was not my intent. I just have experienced (and continue to experience) some similar things and don't want to see others have to suffer in the same way. Keep going strong! YOU CAN DO IT!
    WoundedSoul likes this.
  15. kickbuttmario

    kickbuttmario Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the reply. I promise I'll do my best and consider what you have said. I won't lie though, I have heard similar rhetoric of your kind from many others. Not that I don't appreciate your concern, advice and support, I am starting to realize that this is a personal problem too, rather than a PMO problem. To put it simply, a lack of "determination" (thumbs up if you get the Undertale reference :D) problem. I actually failed the NOFAP March challenge after 2 freaking days, but there was something I found interesting about that relapse(s). I am not like many of the posters here. I personally want to quit PMO only because, again, my anxiety around people is my justification. People are a mess. Porn is a mess. I usually prefer hentai but even after my 18 day NOFAP, I had an uncomfortable time returning returning to either/or, constantly contemplating on whether or not I should watch it. Even after going on a somewhat binge (I mean like, perhaps 2-4 times straight on one day then rest for the next 2+ days), I feel like it will take some time to deal with PMO. Whether I should be quitting for that imaginary Roomie/Lillian/Richard/Ramona and whatever characters there are in it, is at best, irrelevant because in the end of the day, it's my anxiety that's the problem.

    I also checked out http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0 and it was an interesting read. Porn is a symptom, not the actual cause of my issues. I feel like this is somewhat the same thing to the thread. Not to mention how powerful the dopamine a simple computer emits to you. Really interesting stuff.
  16. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    I'm not sure I understood some parts of your message.

    However, I agree with you that PMO is not the root cause of many of our problems. I've seen that Underdog article before and found it relatively helpful myself. I don't agree with everything in it, but it has some pretty solid points. Glad you found it helpful!

    As for my last post, I just thought I'd give my opinion and weigh in on the topic of the thread. If you found it off-putting or inaccurate, simply ignore it. It was not meant to be unoriginal, cliche, or poser-ish. I apologize if it appeared as such.

    Good luck on the journey. Good to hear you are having worthwhile insights! That will carry you a long way!
  17. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    Recently finished reading the entirety of GGaR. It was pretty good. Interesting plot and profound statements at points. A worthy read. I'm definitely intrigued in where the authors take the story.

    Anyway, I hope that your journey is finding you well and that you continue to see progress!
    WoundedSoul likes this.
  18. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

    Let's hate em together...

    vulture175 likes this.
  19. himmelstoss

    himmelstoss Fapstronaut

    What if they feel like I'm using them as stepping stones or something?
  20. Savage Shards

    Savage Shards Fapstronaut

    People are horrible, right?

    Those people that are telling you that you are ugly - I think that their opinion of you is worthless in comparison to the value you have just from being a unique human being.

    I could say a lot of things about your post, but most of the guys here have probably covered it all. You are on track to improving your life, make sure you use every tool available to you. This forum and the NoFap challenge are great, but what about other tools - do you think you could talk to your family about how you feel? Would they understand? If they wouldn't understand, I think you should find someone that would.

    Some therapy might be part of the puzzle.

    Keep up the exercising and building your confidence!

    Maybe get involved in clubs that have your shared interests.
    HitB likes this.

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