This is going to be a long post and I hope some of you read it. It isn't really a life's story kind of thing, but rather experience(s) that I just wish to share with you all, and I hope that you read it just so you can get the point of the title and its question. It is long so please do bear with me because I do hope some of you can give me some of your insight and help me out here. So... Back at the beginning of 2013, I was a wreck. I had bi-lateral attraction-alopecia (baldness, issue), was overweight (220 pds for 5'8), jerked off like no tomorrow, was ugly as sin and I even looked like a girl, as my looks were from my mom's side. I had several anxiety/ocd issues and even had sleep apnea. I was called ugly by most people (both men and women), they found me repulsive so I decided that changes had to be made. I took a break from school (about 1.5 years), quit my part-time job, and mostly focused on this stuff, because I seriously wanted to change things. As of now, my alopecia is slowly being taken care of (getting the money right now to get a hair transplant), lost about 70-80 pds of weight and got tons of muscle (almost at the point where my belly fat is gone and can get to the abs part), but... unfortunately, I was still getting called ugly/girl by most people to this day. Now, since most of us here are doing nofap for the main benefit of getting ourselves to have the courage in asking out women and hoping to christ they say yes and decide to touch our peepee, I can safely say that was the main reason why I wanted to do it too. I want to be with women and I want them to be with me. It is that primal need and belonging for us humans to feel "complete". Most here, I would presume are in it for the long haul because they find it that the benefit for us is to be able to pleasure our gals in the best way possible is awesome. Then you have the mental benefits, which are all fucking fantastic. Not to mention, the sleep benefits. But again... what if you are ugly? Before all these issues really started, I still had the ability to be able to talk to women with some level of confidence. Some would talk with me, ask me to sit next to them, and I would be super happy too... Yes, I was ugly still but I didn't think I was that bad. But when these issues started, most of my female friends stopped saying hello to me, some would never look at me, I would hear their "just don't look at him" comments from time to time, and my anxiety would get worse from there on then. Even from 2013, I made a commitment to myself to get to the point where women can look at me, and say, "wow, that guy is a solid looking fellow" or whatever lingo they will use. I was hoping that I can attain that "primal need" for me to feel "complete". However, it was 2016. Even at the beginning of September 2014 of University, I would get the worse comments from these fucking people (again, both men and women). It was at this point that I started to really hate people. Like, I MEAN, REALLY HATE THEM. I don't know when this started, but I started to take the philosophy of karma and turn it into my own design. For example; "hey, you think I look like shit, well guess what? I will fucking make sure I think you look ugly and if there is ever a chance I can rape you, cum inside you, and throw you in the trash can where you belong, I WOULD AND WILL FIND A WAY". It was that level of shit. I even started to force myself to like and find men attractive, because, it was mostly men that helped me with my issues throughout the years. Not to mention the friends I had for years were men. Heck, at some point, I started to jerk it to gay-porn just so I could avoid women. But none of it really mattered, because, again, I am ugly. Even throughout my meditation sessions, even as I went into that "void" state, that conclusion would still come up. I don't know how it began or when, but at some point, I really couldn't think of any reason for loving men/women. I have been trying to find ways, to force myself to not jerk off anymore, because I don't want to feel attracted to anyone, and hope to Christ I can be that asexual individual, where I have the perfect sleeps, spend time doing things I like, and ya know, being "happy". A month ago, I achieved the whole 18 day nofap thing, and I was super super proud of myself. However, I did relapse. Some girl who I thought had a positive view on me insulted me. I went home and just jerked it, to make myself feel better. I even drank my own cum just so I can feel it... Again though, none of it really mattered. As of now, I would relapse every now and then, after like every 4 days, with that urge to get rid of my sexual desires. Which is something I really want to work on. I want to be asexual, just so I can avoid all of this. There isn't much to say beyond this. Title of the page is there, and I hope some of you can read this and give me a comment or a reply, or something. Thanks. PS. I also noticed many here saying that meditation also helps. Yet, from my experience, meditation and sex don't go hand-in-hand. Sorta contradictory actually. Most here I'm guessing are using it to help calm their mind from the problems, but I always figured its to not make you feel so materialistic.