What I'm Afraid of and What Motivates Me

So yesterday was a horrible day of binge relapsing. I didn't disclose this in the thread I posted yesterday, but as one point yesterday I did something really, really odd. I took a and old pair of my boxer briefs and cut them so that they were like a thong or G string. Then I walked around my house, looked at myself in the mirror, and played with myself while wearing them. I have never done this before, don't know why I did it, and after it was all said and done I was disgusted by it. Also yesterday I caught myself watching a little bit of gay porn. Now I am 100% straight, never had any sexual interest towards guys, and here I am searching for gay porn. Now there's a belief among many people on this forum that once you become a porn addict sometimes your taste in porn changes and you want something more extreme; something that gives you more of a dopamine rush. Now I can't say that I really enjoyed the video, but I'm appalled that I even searched for and watched it. What I'm afraid of is that if I continue to watch porn my taste will only change and get more extreme. Something else that happened yesterday was that I went on the meetme dating site app and asked several girls if they would want to meet up and fuck. Casual sex is not something I want to get involved in just for the fact that I want to save my virginity for the right girl. I don't wanna waste it on some slut that I have no emotional connection with and will probably never see again. I definitely don't want to get involved with prostitution. That's why a porn addiction can be so dangerous. At first your just a porn and masturbation addict. Then you become a sex addict and start seeing hookers. And you knows, there are probably porn addict out there have have raped girls, molested kids, etc. And it all started because they watch porn. I do not want to go down that route. I want to be successful, find a great career, and fall in love with the girl of my dreams, but all of those things will never happen if I continue to let my porn and masturbation addiction control me. I've had great success with NoFap in the past. I've had PMO-free streaks of 4 months and six months. I've proven that I can be successful with NoFap. It just takes all my willpower, self-control, and effort. It's definitely not easy by any means, but it's certainly do-able. It's my mission to never intentionally masturbate or view pornography again. I will be successful and I will put this addiction behind me and live a life free of porn and masturbation. It all starts now.

 

This past year I started lifting weights. I lift everyday at my school, but I want to join a gym so that I can workout out of school. That's definitely a positive activity I can do in my free time. There's no better feeling than seeing your gains in the mirror at the weight room.