Before Corona I had a job interview where the interviewer asked me „What is it that makes you want to get up every morning?“. When he posed that question, I was kinda stunned and kept silent for several seconds. I was shocked by this question and didn't know what to answer. It was an awkward moment and after that embarrassing pause he moved on to the next question. Didn't get the job, obviously. It was kinda eye-opening. Truth is, I can't think of anything that makes me want to get up every morning. I only do it, because I have nothing else to do other than to try to get up and make some money for a living, otherwise I would be broke and have no health insurance and apartment. I'd eventually end up in the lowest social class and be dependent on social welfare. So the only reason why I get up in the morning is because I need to keep functioning. I have a history of multiple addictions (alcohol, PMO, Internet) and insomnia and still struggle with it badly. I also think I suffer from depression but it didn't get to the state yet that I'd consult a psychiatrist and take SSRIs or some other prescription drugs. I'm in therapy since years but it doesn't really help. I have recurring suicidal thoughts since almost 10 years, but never got to the point of actually attempting it. Mostly because I don't want my immediate family to suffer the consequences. No one should be suffering from my problems, the thought of it disgusts me, at least for now. When people are being asked „What makes you get up in the morning?“, they usually answer „my family/wife/children or my friends or my hobbies“. When I get up in the morning, what awaits me? A bad, poorly paid job (and no chance of switching jobs very soon currently because of Corona), lots of porn, lots of alcohol, lots of sleep deprivation, lots of performance anxiety and a constant craving for PMO, alcohol, having more friends and sex with real women. I of course know the remedy for all of this, otherwise I wouldn't be here. To just quit all addictions, move to another town in 2021 for better jobs, go to the gym and go out into the real world and try to connect/date with real women. I'm attempting to do this since over 6 years and eventually always failed. Mostly I fail because of being drunk in the end. The only addiction I got in charge of after 15 years of attempting so far is my online news addictions, but all the rest persists. With every failed attempt I ask myself „Well, why do you actually get up in the morning? Is it really worth it to keep on living in this rat race? Why not just stay in bed or end it altogether eventually? What's the argument against it, if all attempts of improving yourself fail after another? What do you actually have to lose?“ Those are my darkest thoughts after a night full of alcohol, porn, loneliness and sleep deprivation. I am not yet at the point of really wanting to end it, but I need to take precautions right now or otherwise I will certainly arrive at this point in 2-3 years. I wonder, what does you keep getting up every morning even though you are failing countless times of quitting your addiction and getting in charge of your life? What motivates you? How do you keep on moving and trying again in the face of all the misery, setbacks and depression? If you got no good circle of friends, let alone a woman that you can have sex with, what is it exactly that keeps you moving and getting up each and every time? I'm thankful for every advice and opinion.