What is the goal? No M forever?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Carbon Icon, Jul 29, 2019.

  1. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

    295
    351
    63
    My wife things masterbation for me is like alcohol for an alcoholic. That one M is a slippery slope back to fantasy and porn use. That I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with M. Therefore the end goal of recovery should be to never M and that my only sexual experiences are those that are shared with my wife. I think I agree with her, but it's very hard to imagine myself being comfortable in that state. It's just so different from my daily reality for the last 25 years. Our sex life has always been very active and so it really shouldn't be that difficult if I can get out of addiction mode I guess it's something I need to wrap my head around and totally committ too.
    What do people think? Have others got to this point and found it to be normal and sustainable?
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. FrankMorris

    FrankMorris New Fapstronaut

    4
    4
    3
    One major goal is being addiction free, but it's not the most tangible goal. Another is the reacquisition of your 'whole' sexual health. Remember when you were younger and had minimal exposure to porn? Your sexual health was more pure. Age 26 was the craziest porn year for me, I almost ate, slept and breathed it.

    Porn has made sex life with my wife less good, but I still have a vision to make it great like it used to be.
     
    Harry91 and Deleted Account like this.
  3. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    That's probably a goal for me, no masturbation forever, or at least for a very long time. I don't have any "normal" sexual fantasies at all because I have almost none sexual experience, so it's unavoidable that if I masturbate, I'll have porn-induced fantasies.
     
    FrankMorris and ledener like this.
  4. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

    1,957
    3,773
    143
    Again from my personal observation, so take in with a grain of salt as everyone is different. I tried to just stop watching porn and establish controlled MO routine after rebooting countless times but MO always led me back to PMO rabbit hole sooner or latter (pretty soon actually). My longer streaks (+6 months) became possible only when I gave up on M. For me there is no going back, I'm done with M for life. God knows I've consumed more than my life share of it already, so I have no problem with giving it up. I also lose interest in M after a half year of abstention. It doesn't even cross my mind anymore so it's really not that big of a sacrifice if I can get rid of addiction in exchange.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
  5. I too have gotten to the point where i don't M. Now i have a fiance so that definitely helps, it might be different case if i was single. But it feels like freedom brother, it really does. That nagging urge, the one that makes you feel irritated & annoyed until you release leaves. But only if we transform that energy and channel it into other areas you know? If i were to get 0 exercise, eat poorly, sit all day and do nothing, i almost certainly would M and then eventually PMO. for sure. It's about transforming that energy into something creative.

    Here's something else i noticed about my personal situation. I too from a very young age have always had a really high sex drive and i sought it all the time, more so than "just being that age" and porn is 100% absolutely behind this. As i hit my mid 20's it dawned on me that i was overly sexually active and it was actually harmful not helpful. In a culture that denies this even exists and promotes sexual promiscuity and wanton expression I certainly had my fair share of struggles. I think it hit me when i saw that i could never hold a relationship for longer than 3-6 months. I was constantly fantasizing about the next woman and i was never content with what was in front of me.
    So in short, balancing the expression of sexual energy is a virtue. It has helped my life alot from mood swings to anxiety to productivity. It might seem crazy to alot, who wants less sex? But the truth is there's alot that happens to our moods, testosterone levels & many other things when we orgasm. By limiting these releases not only does sex get better, other areas of our life are enhanced by this energy as well.
     
    Carbon Icon, Harry91 and Fenix Rising like this.
  6. I think that after a period of time to get used to it, you will be able to lead a happy (sex) life without masturbation. But I also think that the equation masturbation=alcoholic is way too simple and not scientifically approved.
    Do you feel comfortable about thinking of a life without masturbation at all? Can you imagine to reduce it to a minimum? Or seems this like a horror trip for you? You may look deep inside yourself and decide then.
     
    Carbon Icon likes this.
  7. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

    295
    351
    63
    Really? Wow! So no desire to M at this point? Are you having sex otherwise? How often? Do you feel that this addiction is beaten now after your 209 days? I smoked for 10 years and was able to quit and know now for a fact that I will never be a smoker again. The desire to smoke is Zero. Can it really be the same with M? I have some trouble believing that given the biological drive to procreate. But I imagine/hope a healthy sex life and freedom from the addiction would make M unnecessary and undesirable. I don't buy junkfood or sugary treats because if they are in my home I tend to binge eat them until they are gone. I'm a very healthy eater otherwise but will binge on junkfood if it's around. My worry with M is that it's always around. Will I be free from this constant craving after enough time, even though it's always right there and available? Or will it at least be turned down enough that I can disregard it? Just looking for reassurance that this goal is possible so I can fully commit myself to it.
     
  8. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

    1,957
    3,773
    143
    I started getting serious about my recovery when my partner left me. I did half a year reboot in monk mode (complete sexual abstinence), relapsed for 3 months, tried to pick myself up again for next 4 months with shorter streaks and entered my current monk streak on 1/1/2019. I only had sex couple of times when being in 3 months full blown relapse period. Never say never, but I have zero need to M right now. The same thing happened last time after 6 months. I didn't relapse because I'd crave PMO but because I wasn't prepared to deal with underlying psych issues when they resurfaced (severe depression/anxiety/anhedonia) so the buildup stress was to much to handle and I self-medicated it with my drug or choice. I hope I've learned the lesson. I do believe M is not necessary part of ones life, especially if you have healthy sex life with your partner.
     
  9. Jake n Bake

    Jake n Bake Fapstronaut

    93
    144
    33
    I’m in the exact same situation.
     
  10. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

    295
    351
    63
    That's awesome. What a relief it must be to not have that constant burden. Give's me motivation.

    Are you prepared to deal with your underlying psych issues now?
     
  11. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

    1,957
    3,773
    143
    I'm trying to deal with them. It's a gradual process. You can't just snap out of anxiety and depression. What I can do, is to learn and take steps that help me improve my mood and elevate anxiety on daily basis. It demands a lot of self-discipline, but I don't want to take meds. Don't get me wrong, I love anxiolytics, they do miracles for my anxiety and depression, but I said to my doc stop to prescribing it to me after the first prescription. I know myself, I'd become addicted to them in a heartbeat. Exchanging binge PMO for pills addiction is not the way I wanna go to achieve false inner peace. Facing and conquering ones inner "demons" is the only right path to take. No matter how hard it gets. No pill can do it for you.
     
    Carbon Icon and Deleted Account like this.
  12. I was a 25-year PMO user. I have now been P and M free for the past 10+ months. It is doable. I do not intend to M ever again in my life. Looking back on the habit now makes me feel like I was a child. It is sort of immature, don't you think?
     
    Carbon Icon and L1ttl like this.
  13. Wow this is a deep question. Is it immature to masturbate? I tend to disagree, because this is very close to say having sex is immature. I´d rather say it´s a different kind of facing ones sexuality. There are very different causes why one wants to abstain from masturbation, I think, but it is not easy for anybody. It´s a hard decision and it´s hard to stay on this track. From this point of view, the word mature / immature is not so inept as I first thought.
    Thanks for the great question, it makes me think about it...
     
  14. Forming a unique intimate bond with another human being is far from immature, imo. It is a valid end for our in-born desire for connection and intimacy. Approximating this feeling while alone, often in front of a computer screen, however, is a mockery of what sex is all about. Young, immature individuals experiment with this and quickly learn the danger (and emptiness) of the act and learn self-control. This is to move toward maturity. Or they do not, and end up, quite often, trapped in PA and/or SA. This is to remain immature, at least in part. Regardless, the adult human being has no *need* for MO. The body is perfectly capable of regulating itself.

    I say all this as someone who was himself trapped in PA and PMO for over 25 years. I know how much it can seem like MO is necessary. I believed it myself for a long time. But I know now that other ways of being are possible and, I would argue, preferable. But it's a tough thing, no doubt about it. Discipline always is.
     
  15. Yes, you´re right, there´s a difference between sex and masturbation, I´d retract my argument. Sex is in my opinion not needed for connection and (emotional) intimacy, altough it accompanies it usually. But there´s also the other part of sex, the satsifaction of the sexual drive. And in this part, I don´t see any difference between sex and masturbation. Would you agree to "masturbation and sex without love is on the same stage of maturity"?

    I think there´s no need to overcome masturbation for reaching maturity, it´s independent. On the other hand, to masturbate with mindfulness, is in my eyes a mature way to deal with the sexual drive. So, enhancing the above, I´d say "masturbation wihtout taking care and sex without love are immature".

    Yes, definitvely true. There´s a very strong desire, but no need. We are told all the time, that we couldn´t be really happy without frequent O´s, and for that without MO. So the desire is easily taken for a need. I did it for may years, too.

    Same here, I had this "MO is necessary" attitude for about 30 years and recently learned that there´s much more to find and this is, yes, preferable. But it´s my very personal story to abstain from masturbation and sex and that hopefully makes myself, only myself, more mature.
     
  16. This drive can be properly satisfied only in connection with another person. Apart from that, the drive is not satisfied, only inflamed. Why do that to yourself? When we get hungry, we must eat or will eventually die. When we get sexually aroused, we feel a similar urgency, but it is not actual. We will not die if we find no sexual release. Far better, imo, to put the sexual drive into a deep sleep until it is needed to serve its intended purpose.

    I strongly disagree. "M with mindfulness" sounds a lot like sexual fantasizing to me. This is also extremely unhelpful to the addict in recovery. I can think of no variety of mindfulness that would accompany M and somehow make it acceptable. Of course, I realize others may feel differently and that NoFap, despite its name, is not 100% against M.

    But, based on my own long experience with the practice, I am. :)
     

Share This Page