What is your purpose and meaning of sex in your life?

In my home, because of the religion (islam) and culture, there was never talked about sex. I learned it all from porn. I started watching at the age of 11. But it was not a good lesson for me. Porn never teached how real sex should be. I learned to have instant gratification. I watched those hardcore videos. Everything what I saw in porn, I wanted to have that in real life. That’s why I went to prostitutes, swinger clubs and sex parties.

Porn taught me to have instant sex without first talking to a woman, flirting, courting a woman. When I see a woman, I almost want sex right away, without flirting, talking to her, dating. I want those instant gratification. But that is impossible in real life. The places where I went (prostitutes, couples clubs, sex parties), there it is possible. But sex without flirting, dating, etc. is boring at the end. I now have to learn to talk to women, flirt, date. I want really different things now. I want to also hug, cuddle with a women and have intimacy.

Porn made me feel very ashamed of my sexuality. I was afraid to talk about sex. When men are together, sometimes they talk about sex, especially when I was younger. When the boys talked about sex, I did pretend I wasn’t interested. But I was always so interested in sex. I avoided that topic and changed the topics most of the time when people talked about sex. Even when some women talked about sex, I was ashamed of it.

Now that I no longer watch porn, I have to rediscover my sexuality. How to show that I am sexually interested in a women. What is healthy sex, what I like etc.

I have to find out new ways to find my sexuality. I never was comfortable with sex, talking about it etc. I used sex to numb emotions. I did watch a lot of porn till 3 years ago. I wanted to act out what I had seen in porn. But I never was so comfortable with my sexuality. That is one of the reasons that I avoided women, I think. There was no meaning of sex in my life. That’s why I think it felt almost always empty after the sex.

Now I see sex more as to connect with a woman, to have intimacy, to bond together. But I need to learn more. I want to be more comfortable with sex.

I like to hear from you, so I can learn from you all.