What loneliness did to me

I think the first time I started to feel lonely was in high school. Before that I never really felt lonely, I might have been alone at times but I wasn't feeling disconnected. I think I started to feel that way after I had the "cool kids" picking on me in Grade 8, they would tease me and make fun of me. After that experience I went into high school and I quickly realized I didn't have a "clique" to hang out with at lunch. I would reach out to individuals across different cliques but I never felt like I was truly a part of a clique, just kind of a floater. However, I still had good friends that I could hang out with after school but for some reason I was feeling like I didn't have a lot of support and as a result I felt lonely.

I started to face true loneliness during University, there were days when I really was all by myself. Studying for exams or staying on campus during the weekend. I actually did have a clique during those days, my colleagues that were in the same program as me. (we had a pretty small program) We would get together for the purposes of going to class or tackling assignments. Sometimes we would hang out together after class but eventually we would disperse. Most of my colleagues lived at home and not on campus, so after class the loneliness would creep in again. It was much like how I felt in high school, I felt like I didn't have a lot of support.

Grad school was the most isolating chapter of them all and I faced what I was afraid of all those years. I lived with one of my friends in an apartment which was a great experience but the majority of my colleagues from the previous years moved away and I wasn't making a lot of new friends. So it got quite lonely if my friend/roommate was not around. One weekend he went to stay at his girlfriends house and I had to be on campus that weekend, it was really hard to be all alone that weekend.

Then the COVID crisis started in March 2020 and I moved back to my home town. I haven't met up with anyone outside of my family since September 2020. That was also the last time I was hanging out with someone. I quickly realized that I have only 3 or 4 people that would stay in touch with me on the phone or on zoom. I am living like I have no friends at all because I can't spend time with them. I don't have any friends in my home town.. I used to believe that this would be one of the worst things that could happen to me but its not that bad. I actually needed this time to learn how to be at peace with myself and if I wasn't at peace I needed to fix what was wrong, that's where nofap comes in.

When I look back at everything now I see that it was my own perception that was making me feel lonely, not exactly my state of being alone. I can't believe I felt lonely at any point before the outbreak of COVID and the lockdowns because I had friends and family around me but I must have been feeling really disconnected the whole time. Nofap for sure can solve the feeling of being disconnected but I find that having faith in the Bible really helps with this also. Once I realized that the values from the Bible are at odds with most of the popular values I started to accept that I wasn't going to be able to see eye to eye with most people but that's okay since it seems like we are about to go into a new era, and I know I will soon have several quality relationships if I can transition out of my old ways of PMO, social anxiety, lust, selfishness etc.

 

I haven't interacted in real life with someone outside of my immediate family in a social context since the summer of 2019, when I went to watch a movie with a friend. The time before that was in October of 2019 when I walked around aimlessly with a different friend for half an hour then went home. Over the years most people have drifted away and now I am left with a handful of people I either talk to via messaging or through gaming online. I suppose I am extremely lonely but I've become so used to it I don't even think about it all that much. I also don't know what to do about it.

 

Sounds like you need new and better friends which means you are going to have to start doing new and better things. Consider the “Wallow in loneliness” achievement unlocked. Now go start work on the “New Beginning” campaign and keep an eye out for an interesting side quest, preferably one that involves other people.

 

I haven't spoken to anyone outside of family in about a decade ... it's only since starting nofap that I even realised how bad that is.

 

I'd like to hope not. But I'm not really doing anything to fix it either.

 

What happens when you're around people?

 

I feel you, I have also been lonely, however I have started to enjoy social interactions more. I found that asking people about themselves and telling them about me help in this - to get to know each other. There are so much in common that people have with each other, just need to dig until you find some common ground. Of course being stable and being able to be happy alone helps but I do think that we are social beings. I still get some anxious thoughts and fears around people but I am learning to not listen to those thoughts since it is my ego and brain trying to make me miserable again so I would relapse into my bad habits. God bless you man, I hope this can help you in some way.

 

واو أعتقد أنني وجدت شخصًا يشبهني. My problem is that I have no experience in conversation

 

I recommend talking with your family etc and then picking up small conversations with other people. I think everyone likes to talk - just as long as they are not doing something important at that time - on their phone etc. God bless you man, hopefully this helps!

 

Lonely for the most part of my life... Today is Easter and I am home alone once again... Could have went to visit my family but they don’t give too many fucks about me so I decided to stay alone.. I am so sad honestly, have been binging on PMO to cope and didn’t even had the motivation to go to church..

 

No. I meant what happens to you, that you don't like to be arround people.