What my loneliness and addiction has done to me..

I'm a 26 year old male with a long history of porn and sexual addiction. Coming from a home in which I was sexual abused by an immediate family member, I was introduced to porn at very young and prepubescent age. What started off as an interest in nude women rapidly evolved into a variety of hardcore fetishes which continue to grow more and more extreme. A variety of things contributed to growing up in isolation from my peers. Sexual abuse, introversion, ADHD, sexual addiction, poor self confidence, weak social skills, emotional immaturity... the list goes on. As I'm writing, I have recently been confronting these issues with a professional over the course of the last year, though I have not disclosed my sexual behavioral problems due to the shame associated with my habits..hence why I have sought help from this board.

Love addiction and the withdraws therein are the number one trigger for a quick fix. The need to feel close to someone has influenced actions and behaviors that are not things which I want to do. When faced with rejection from a woman, dumped by girlfriend, turned down from a pickup at the bar, or really any situation in which I feel inferior, I have found myself gambling with other men on Craigslist personals. For a long time I questioned if I was gay or bisexual. Though every time I met with one of these men, I felt immense regret during our engagement. After an orgasm, I would feel totally disgusted to the point which I would suppress these scenarios to a point in which I forgot about them. Like they never happened. I wasn't satisfying a desire to be with a man. I was simply trying to feel close to someone and get a fix.. to the point that my own sexual preference was hijacked. I've never once found myself physically or even emotionally attracted to another man.. Just the urge to do something dirty when faced with loneliness and rejection.

I have tried NoFap once before and made it for 25 days I think until I relapsed...sometime last year. Since, my addiction has been stronger than ever. Though through the fog of shame and self doubt, I do remember feeling empowered and confident toward the end of my run. I want to overcome and defeat the last thing withholding me from a happy and fruitful life.. the last part preventing healthy relationships with others, romantic, platonic, or otherwise. The last obstacle withholding self confidnce and proper social skills. And most importnatly.. the last piece of the puzzle to finally let go of the abuse incurred in my past... so I can finally let go of the weight and move past it.