What PMO is to me

My husband WAS in hell.
You stole him time,
You made him feel worthless,
You stole my lover,
You stole my life,
You stole my confidence,
You stole my home,
You stole my children's father,
You objectify women,
You make sex violent instead of loving,
I feel heartbroken,
I feel violated,
I feel like a victim,
When I see him looking at a screen I feel like you are here,
You make me cry,
I don't feel safe,

I didn't even get the dopamine rush,
I AM in hell.

One thing PMO will never take from me, hope.

 

Haha, glad you guys found and commented on my poem, I wanted to share it with someone here and wasn't sure how to find it, computers are not my thing although I have gotten a whole lot better at checking histories of late (bad PMO SO joke).
My update, husband is 6 months no PMO, he feels great and shitty, but mostly he is happy to be feeling anything at all. He is shocked by the shear number of hours a week he was wasting on P and chat rooms, it was like a part time job that makes you feel like shit and steals all the joy out of life. He is learning how to fill his time with meaningful activities. Does he miss it? I think he has expressed to me, he misses zoning out to it, but he really hit rock bottom, it was killing is spirit to live, and he is committed to never going back. He also never wants to M again, to closely linked now to the addiction, nothing but misery there for him.
Sex for us is so much better, not as often as I would like yet, and he feels disconnected to his mojo in a way, he didn't think this part would take so long to heal, he is impatient for this to get better. Our intamate life really suffered these past 5 years, as the addiction escalated out of control, and we remember with fondness and yearning, the ease and hotness of our sex life the first 20 years of our relationship. For me, I feel more safe in our relationship, the lying and deciet were the worst for me, I really was never against P, but I had no idea of the impact it could have on our relationship. The chat room piece still makes me feel like shit sometimes, lots of crying and feeling insecure there for me. When I finally caught him and he came clean and started a reboot and got into recovery, I could see everything so clearly, the effects it has had on him, our relationship, our children, I felt like the problem had a name and he could fix it, we could start to heal.
He lied to me for 5 years (I caught him in chat rooms 5 years ago and he swore he would stop), he really turned my love and good will against me to hide his addiction form me, what felt like a lie to me what when he would say I love you. It didn't feel like he loved me, he was a shell of a person, the ED, the anger at himself for being weak that spilled out over everything. I am trying to hear, I love you from him and believe it. He wrote me this text yesterday from a 24 hour shift:
*my name* I just want you to know that I love you, I always have, and I always will. I hate what I have done to us, to myself, you have always been the love of my life, you fill me with happiness and joy, I never stopped loving you, I got lost. I've always loved you and I will never stop.
I need to hear that often, I am starting to believe it again in my heart.