What reason is powerful enough?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by myfinalproject, May 31, 2017.

  1. myfinalproject

    myfinalproject Fapstronaut

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    I almost lost my job today because of porn addiction. I haven't been to work in two days. I stayed home sick. But I wasn't sick. My kids and wife came home and I had been looking at porn all day. I lied to them and told them how sick I was, and just typing this now I do feel sick. I stayed home again today and by the time I looked at my phone, I had missed five calls and about ten emails. We were being audited and my files were completely fucked up. I've been looking at porn at work, sneaking peaks at it on the drive home, hiding myself away in the bathroom to look at it on my phone. It's been this way for at least 16 years now on and off.

    The consequences have always been subtle and removed. No one calls me any more. No one relies on me. I have a reputation as an absent minded, aloof, irresponsible colleague and friend. I've let my wife down so many times I can't even keep track. My kids are too young now, but soon they will be the victims of my incredibly addictive distraction as well. Soon I will disappoint them as well, and that will be very hard to bear.

    But today, I almost lost my job. I barely got files in that I had to get in on time. Tomorrow I will hear about it, and I will lie and say that I was sick to save my ass. I can't keep living like this: lying, falling short, falling flat, self-destructing. I have to STOP!!!!

    Are these reasons enough? Is this going to be my impetus to stop? I hope so. I've installed getcoldturkey on my computer, and I'm putting something on my phone as well. It's time to get my shit together, but I will need soooo much help!

    Please reach out to me. I'm in such a dark place right now, and it's hard to be hopeful that quitting is possible. Thanks.
     
  2. IamRick

    IamRick Fapstronaut

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    I just wanted more self confidence & some coon, your reasons are way bigger than mine dude, thats not even a question...
     
  3. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

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    I can't tell you if these are reasons enough. You will know when it's time. Only you. However I would argue that if you want to be free of your life thus far then this community will assist you in getting there.

    I guess I was fortunate when I arrived here in early May because I was done. I'd had enough. I didn't want to ever PMO again and nothing's changed there.

    I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I destroyed my marriage because of this and lost several jobs that I loved because I was a very poorly focused employee who should have been able to do those jobs in my sleep but couldn't as they became increasingly more difficult to get my head around.

    The web accountability software you have is great however you may want to think about deleting every last vestige of porn you have in your possession. Destroy it all.

    I wish you all the very best in life whatever you decide.

    FHRML.
     
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  4. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Just a month and a half ago, I was in a situation similar to your's except instead of porn I was addicted to pills. I was in a really dark place. I became obsessed with death and I was bringing everybody down. There was a time when I was stealing money just to pay the rent and skipping rent just to pay for drugs. I would go weeks without changing my clothes, days without showering, never getting a haircut. I was a damned mess.

    The good news is that 7 weeks ago today I chose to stop doing pills and turn my around. I was sick of being sick all the time and I had a new baby niece who was going to look up to me. That was my motivation and I haven't turned back.

    As far as the PMO goes, I was in a really dark place where I wasn't friends with any women and looked at them as strictly sex objects. I was lonely as hell.

    You can do this. If I can quit pills, you can do this. If you can raise children, you can quit porn. I've quit porn and pills and I could never raise a child. I don't have that kind of strength. I'm weak and I did it. You're strong so you can do it.
     
    Resolved Oregonian likes this.
  5. myfinalproject

    myfinalproject Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply and congrats on 27 days. I can honestly say that right now I am done. I'm just worreid about the short memory of man and the chemical need I have at this point. I suppose I need to replace the chemical need with some healthier behavior...I need a fucking hobbie!
     
  6. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    A hobby would be a good idea. What are your interests? Be sure to check out the self-improvement subforum.
     
  7. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

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    You need replacement activities. Something you can do the very moment an urge to PMO strikes so sit ups, push ups, star jumps, jogging on the spot, squat thrusts, lunges. I know it sounds silly but it works. You need to short circuit the brain in that moment. After a while those actions will become the go-to activities your brain craves instead of porn/masturbation/orgasm. It works.

    @jarvyjarvison I have run out of Likes as I've used up 50 in 12 hours but I like your post man. Same with you @tyler madden.
     
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  8. Resolved Oregonian

    Resolved Oregonian Fapstronaut

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    @tyler madden , I'm sorry to hear about your struggles my friend, and I understand how difficult it is when you are in a dark season of life. Porn-addiction cost me my marriage.
    In regard to whether or not this incident at work will be "reason enough why" to quit porn or not? The answer is a resounding; "No"
    Negative reasoning and consequences are not effective reasons to quit porn. They do not have the power to compel you to do so. Sure, in the short-term, the shame and guilt can feed yoyr desire and drive toward abstinence, but they cannot create long term freedom.
    What you need is to create a "why" statement, and to do so in the affirmative. A powerful why will create strong and lasting for freedom. Personally I have 3 statements, a why, a supporting statement, and a life mission statement:

    Why statement; "I am moving forward with a clear mind, and choosing to be a lucid and critical thinker."


    Supporting statement; "Lucid and critical thinking is a key to building my successful present and future."


    Life Mission Statement: "To use my gifts of intelligence, writing, articulation, creativity, and humor to achieve my best life, and influence others to do the same."
     
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  9. m.coming.back

    m.coming.back Fapstronaut

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    - Stop internet at your home
    - Remove all collections ( pics/videos ) of porn
    - Go out with your lovely family for few days to change this bad situation
    Remember porn is your enemy
     
  10. I agree with you! Btw I love Fight Club, it is one of the best movie I have ever watched in my life :emoji_clap:
     
    IamRick likes this.
  11. Hi, you are not alone. I know it feels like you are the only one struggling with this but you are not. I understand too well what you are going through. These reasons are definitely enough. Think about your wife and kids. If you want you can send me a message, please keep going :) you can do it!

    It's helping me a lot an app called R Tribe where I put my thoughts at the end of each day. When I hit rock bottom 4 months ago that was more than enough. I was left with nothing other than my damaged self. I decided that I wouldn't have allowed myself to keep being so weak and turn to porn or sex when I had an issue, escape from reality for a while. Have you ever thought to tell your wife? that could be good and liberating at the same time. Because you don't have a secret with her anymore. There is also the fascination of having a secret that no one else knows about you
     
  12. myfinalproject

    myfinalproject Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your words of encouragement. I have told my wife. I told her about a decade ago now. My battle with pornography has been hot and heavy on again and off again. I think it's obvious to her now when I'm winning and when I'm losing. Unfortunately or fortunately, I'm not sure which, my battle is never directly addressed. The thing is when I'm not using pornography I'm prolifically productive. I think I'm productive as a distraction as well- to distract myself from the powerful urges coursing through my body. The house is clean my work is on point the kids are taking care of- their bags packed, meals prepared, clothes clean, toys away- my words are clearer my eyes are brighter. Yet there are moments of the day when the work is done, my mind is buzzing, opportunity presents itself- what else should I do? There is no other distraction available, and somewhere in the back of mind I've already planned my relapse to happen at this precise moment and in this precise way. Last night, though- HUGE VICTORY! I had an empty house, kids and wife at grandparents to help me work on the house- somewhere in my mind I realized there is an ipad unprotected in the study. My wheels started turning- maybe I'll start abstaining next week? maybe I'll just watch one video and go straight to bed? BUT NO!!! FUCK NO!!!! You know what you're doing. You've done it a thousand times. I took the ipad and locked it away in my children's room. I did 20 push ups. I read a book. I went to bed. And I realized- oh, this is what the rest of the world does. They have these good healthy habits. They're on a virtuous cycle. What would it be like for me to get on this same cycle? Every night, exercising a bit, reading a bit, getting a good night's sleep, rewiring my brain, eyes clear, thinking clear, feeling good about myself, having won the battle again and again and again. That'd feel pretty good. I plan on winning again tonight.
     
    jarvyjarvison likes this.
  13. Ask yourself: Do you want to be the hero or the villain of your story?
     
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