What should I know before hiring a LEGAL prostitute?

I keep getting my ass beaten by chaser but I KNOW """THAT'S NO EXCUSE""" sheesh but also yeah, I get it. I mean I really get it. This whole thing has really started to click with me the last day or two despite relapses. For me it's about beating desperation (don't read that wrong I said desperation NOT depression, I'm not depressed.) In the future I don't want to be a sad little man beating his life away infatuated with a bogus shameful disgraceful vice. (P TRIGGER ALERT) I have on occasion encountered a type of disgusting video where women shame men for "spanking their lives away" and having tiny dicks and what not, which I suppose is a somewhat typical (although damaging) fetish. I imagine that being "disgraced" is a somewhat of a natural progression in porn addiction, especially for people with self esteem issues. THANK GOD that kind of thing is reversible more so than I once previously thought; For me, most of the time, humiliation videos just made me disgusted or amused, but toward the end of my journey with porn it started getting a bit worse. Coupling porn with alcohol was a vision of true hell for me; demons and all. In the very last days before joining nofap I encountered some truly sick and unhealthy ideas looking to "sneak in" (genital mutilation kinda stuff) so let me tell you I have great incentive to be here and the rabbit hole is very very deep, and I knew I was getting in over my head. Thankfully the really bad stuff hasn't tried to sneak in since I started cutting back severely the last month or two. In that regard I'm already somewhat of a success story. Believe it or not I have a good plan to GET IN GEAR long term, I have an extensive journal/map of my habits and cycles and plan to map out my porn triggers as well. I am committed to ZERO PMO APRIL. And seriously SHOOTING for zero porn for the rest of my life. I am razor focused and don't really need additional encouragement but it's welcome of course. I also don't need an earful for blowing it so badly lately, somehow I've come to expect such a thing at this point which is too bad, (I'm not going to dwell further on that insignificant irrelevant amount of negativity GASP) but I do have the desire to be done with the vice forever. I am searching for genuine humanity and true interaction; I've found (and certainly believe that) beauty can bottled or canned into pictures or videos but it's not mine to save for down the road; it truly cannot be preserved in something as shallow as a file format. Last fall I deleted 400+ gigs of porn from my hard drive and I've spent the last several months preparing myself to permanently empty the trash on the final relics of the trove; my once cherished "red tabbed" content (red tabs on my files indicated my most preferred or irreplaceable content) and I am ready now (I was ready several days ago but I NEED to make an ordeal out of it) I also plan to destroy my home dubbed DVD made from our communal high school 80's sleaze porn VHS code named "the Scorpion King" ... (it's a long kinda funny story) although that will be perhaps a more difficult but equally necessary move; it will be far more symbolic to destroy the Scorpion King. I have had those videos in my possession for 16 years or more; since my fragile youth that it helped strip away. Also for the record (no pun intended) I've kept record of my PMO habits so far this year and (to my best estimations) BEFORE NOFAP I was indulging in PMO roughly 1.4 times per day, now on average I am down to 1/3 of the days this year almost exactly; including one 41 day streak and one 12 day. Like it or not that is progress and it's helped me a ton, and I fully intend to take it further. For the first time in my independent life I will be living in a porn free home.

 

Thanks for the post. Yes I have already anticipated that sex will not do any good without love in the long run. It will also not solve my problems, hence "escaping desperation" being my primary goal. That is the journey for me. I go back and fourth as to whether or not procreation is even something I aspire towards. Prepare for cringey game analogies. I am a champion of appreciating life's graphics and music (believe me I live art/philosophy) but I've never been too good at appreciating the gameplay part of things. I am of course working on that, but there are brutal nagging feelings that it's too late for me. They never really stop. I believe you that dating or "game" can be improved, I read a book about it in December which helped a lot, and that's good because I have a long way to go. For the record I COMPLETELY gave up on dating and went somewhat "incel" in my 20s. For another while I was a male feminist (thank Christ that phase is over) and for another short while I would not even acknowledge women in public. I am somewhat of an extreme person when I think about it. Going sober (from alcohol) was the biggest game changer for all that horse shit stupidity of my 20s, nofap being a close second. I don't have nearly as much instability nowadays but dating has been just a nightmare, I've been "back out there" for one full year now and still had zero sex since I was 23. Actually I turned it down once because the girl was smacked on molly and it felt weird (moment of revelation). I'm proud of myself because I guess I'm slowly realizing that no sex is still better than desperation, "God specifically damn the desperation"; that has been on my mind so heavily it's strange to think only a week or so ago I was considering a prostitute. I have realized that stability is something I have to fight for and choose. My paper journal is an absolute specimen and should be sent to the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum when I die. Things are getting better but betterness is also something I have to choose, otherwise I just stay still. Lately I have been writing my ideas realizations and mantras for hours every night. I do believe things can get better but for myself I understand that it takes an absolute onslaught of sacrifice. I will completely come apart if my ducks aren't in a row, I MUST have some kind of an addictive personality because my emotions get way out of whack if I "go hedonist" for any amount of time. Even coffee fucks me up these days and I'm on a zero carb/sugar diet. So far the only thing worse than porn (for me) is alcohol. That shit should not be underestimated under any circumstance, it is a sneaky tricky bastard of a drug. One day you're having fun with all your friends the next everyone is gone and you're alone with your porn and bottle. I am so damn grateful for the fact that we can choose to slow the decline of our vitality, and that we can fight for redemption, even if it's too late- or appears to be. I'm so damn grateful for art and music as well, which proves to me that life can be more than the mundane management of pain and disgust. God I can really blab about this stuff.

Thank you for saying that. I only ever had sex twice. Both times were alcohol related and I (physically) felt almost nothing. The first was with my best friend and that led to a heartbreak that would "romantically" define my 20s. The other was a dreadful shit faced mess with a girl I wasn't really attracted to and who had a boyfriend. I regret that so much, I truly hope she worked through it because there is no way she didn't regret sleeping with me. Although it was consensual, that night is perhaps my biggest regret when I stop to think about it. If anything I am a worse man for either experience. Thankfully dating/talking to women gets easier and easier the more we GET OUT THERE and NOFAP helps make sex much much more instinctual and natural. I think you're on the right track. There is a book called "How to Pick Up Girls" by Eric Weber that can be read in about two hours, I highly recommend it because there are more opportunities to meet amazing women than I ever realized before. More importantly I realize that I don't have to be afraid of women, and that anyone can learn to overcome that fear with a moderate amount of effort. It's called "in vivo desensitization". I am aiming to completely overcome my fear of shame or embarrassment, sometimes even by embarrassing myself on purpose. I want to go up to the most beautiful woman on earth and ask her "if she likes farts" just to desensitize myself to the "hot babe on pedestal" mentality. You can do anything in this life, it really is a dream come true in so many ways.
How to Pick Up Girls!: Eric Weber

 

Is the competition just getting to the egg or what? Thanks for the posts you are a hoot.