What the heck do I tell my fiancee?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Goathouse, Jan 17, 2016.

  1. Goathouse

    Goathouse New Fapstronaut

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    Hello all. It's my first day here, my first day w/o PMO, and I'm scared to death over what is happening to me. My story goes something like this:

    I have a very high libido,and my fiancee has a much lower one. We were making love an average of once per week which would be my definition an absolute minimum. The connection that we would have was incredible, passionate, tender, wonderful - except it wasn't happenening with any great frequency. We had many conversations on how to increase the frequency of our relations but she really has a very low libido that just wouldn't budge. Of course it would be really innapropriate for me to pressure herin any way. My solution? "Hey, whenever I'm horny and she isn't in the mood I'll just masturbate." Not a bad plan on paper. Over the past yearI have noticed some degree of ED. I'm 50 years old so some of that may be due to the normal ageing process...but I also was observing that I was feeling less and less connected with my fiancee when we would make love. I felt disconnected from her, my experience of the pleasure seemed diminished, and the whole act had somehow become robotic, like I was just going through the motions. And I was masturbating more and more, and getting very focused on certain genres of porn that involved force. That is not like me.

    So here I am, day one w/o PMO. So is this whole reboot process to basically let my body and mind and pleasure circuits back to normal? I get the whole no PMO, but what do I tell her? Believe me, if she initiates our usual weekly lovemaking session and I say no she is going to know that something is wrong. Am I allowed to have sex with my fiancee? Gah! Confused... Anyways, any help would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Hi - just be honest with her. That's all us 'other halves' want. Why not show her your post. If you can talk about it and show her you're trying to help yourself out of this crap, then hopefully she'll be there to support you.
    You're allowed to have sex with your fiancee :) However, if you do the 'hard mode' then that's no sex. I suggest you let your partner in on that one! Good luck.
     
    Gamerwife85 likes this.
  3. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Yes, but you reboot will be slower because of the dopamine released when you have intercourse (plus the chaser effect).

    Check out The Glossary ^
     
  4. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

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    I am 38 and was married once.

    Back then I was in the same position. That started my whole PMO problem. Back then I thought it was the ONLY method and it probably was in one way. However My feelings got faded and I even got angry thinking "if she always says no I will do the same so she understand how it feels". This was very destructive of course. All this led to me wanting to get out of the marriage, it just didn't work.

    She got extremely upset every time I said no and She left me in the end for another guy but that is another story.

    The real problems started now when I am in another relationship. The PMO is now a problem since I basically am not interested . Which force my girl to MO and us being more like friends than lovers.

    To sum it up, P always end up As problem so just get rid of it. I Think you should tell her since you need her support. She really needs to understand the reason behind this and if she then get upset I would just have a deep discussion with her. It is absolutely natural to O and if she can not give it to you you need to do it yourself with M, as simple as that.

    You need to work on a better balance in libidos otherwise you will go crazy and everything starts over again. But skip P!
     
  5. Harvhe

    Harvhe Fapstronaut

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    If you want my advice. Tell her soon as. ASAP.

    Leave telling her any longer than you should have to (providing she doesn't already covertly know or suspect - *its not hard with technical knowledge to find evidence*) and you'll only increase the damage up till the big day and the honeymoon period. Without meaning to jangle your bones with anxiety, its probably best that she wouldn't wed someone with such a intimately personal part of both your lives without at least being conscious even if not fully informed about it.

    Going on a cruise around the canary islands (to use a example) when the knot is tied is probably not a good time, and if you fabricate excuses it'll never be said but risks getting progressively worse.

    To be blunt. What are you more afraid of, how she'll react now or later?
     
  6. Chef Boy

    Chef Boy Fapstronaut

    If I were you I'd have the best of both worlds; as in continue having sex but quit PMO and channel that extra energy into creative/productive means. Kick life's ass whilst satisfying your woman at the same time. Done.
     
    WantToBeAMan and ChiHov like this.
  7. ziodeg

    ziodeg Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    some time passed, I'll reply anyway. who knows!
    I'll be direct and I hope not to sound arsh.
    Since you are in two, it is very difficoult to be something like "friends with benefits". First, the connection between you two is way too powerful to leave intact entire aspect of life. Like the loads of people that changed taste in food just staying with the other. Second, sexual life is for its very nature SHARED. Prostitution, pornography, they all came from malink sex something private. So, if the problem is in your sexual life, it is of course in her sexual life. I told about my PMO addiction to my girl, she was a little shocked but now she is very happy. Probably recovering will take way more than 90 days. You will prevent other possible issues and eventually gain support.

    Another aspect is this. Porn enslaves also closing yourself. Telling our problem allows us to break this chain and be prepared to give and recive love and support. Do not seek for privacy, I suggest you to try intimacy. It is way beter.
     

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