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What the hell is wrong with me? Please help me.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by adiums, Apr 29, 2021.

  1. adiums

    adiums Fapstronaut

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    Okay, here is goes. I'm not sure what's wrong with me...

    Am I just asexual with a fetish? Or has 10 years+ of masturbating to my fetish made made me only aroused by my fetish?

    I have a very disgusting fetish. I don't recall ever being interested in it before the internet. I don't have any memories of liking this kind of thing between the ages of 0-11. When I hit puberty around 11, I found erotic stories relating to this fetish online, even before coming across anything vanilla. I went straight into the deep end somehow. Ever since, I've PMO'd to this fetish. It's the only thing I've masturbated to. And I've been masturbating to it 2-3 times a day for 10 years.

    Strangely, for the first time in my life, I've found I girl I romantically like. We've kissed and cuddled and I did get excited down there... It was a total shock. It was the first time I ever felt excited by something other than my disgusting fetish. The more I think about it, the more I want sex with her. However, I tried once with another girl and couldn't get it up. I'm worried this will happen again.

    I'm not sure if my fetish is porn induced, but I don't remember liking it before I was 11 and was looking at stories on it online, which then lead to videos and even taking part in my fetish IRL (which I'm ashamed of).

    I know I have an addiction to this fetish as I can't go without a day masturbating to it. I recognise I need to stop.

    My question is, if I do a reboot, whether it be 90 days, a year or 5 years, I'm not sure what I'll default back to. As I said, vanilla stuff never interested me because I went straight into the deep end when I first discovered porn. I think I'm straight as I have romantic feelings for women, and as I said above, there have been times when I've fantasized about more "normal" thoughts and it has got me excited. Just not as much as my fetish.
     
  2. DominicNL

    DominicNL Fapstronaut

    Same for me, I totally understand.
    I have dated a girl which I seriously rated a 10 in my opinion of course.
    Yet, still erection problems.

    This also was caused because I have a fetish and actually was never interested in vanilla porn, even in my childhood.

    In my opinion it's best you at least tell her you are afraid it could happen.
    This releases some pressure from your side and in my experience woman are very open to this kind of discussions.
     
  3. Shin Iu

    Shin Iu Fapstronaut

    It's a demon raised in your mind who took over your body then let you fall without a break
     
  4. ElSabio

    ElSabio Fapstronaut

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    I don't have a fetish like that but I have had the same non-vanilla fantasy for as long as can remember. I'm past 100 days now and for the first time in my life I no longer have that fantasy. I thought it was just a part of my sexuality but it seems to be gone. Stop PMO for 90 days and see what happens. You might be surprised.
     
    Shin Iu likes this.
  5. Starfinder89

    Starfinder89 Fapstronaut

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    Yea, you've got nothing to lose. Try to make it to 90 days and see what happens.
     
  6. luckydog

    luckydog Fapstronaut

    Hi @adiums welcome to this forum.

    I started around the same age, and it isn't something unusual that anyone addicted to porn would soon escalate (given porn's infinite variety and immediate availability) to things you would never entertain in real life, only in the fantasies in the mind.

    For example, say if you are straight in your orientation IRL, and in the porn fantasy you find yourself attracted to same-sex porn. It has a name, HOCD for Homosexual OCD. Fears and anxiety around your own orientation, thanks to a porn addiction. We all have our own fantasies; with many of us weird stuff we'd never entertain seriously in real life, others would try acting out in that way, but nonetheless these fantasies or acting out in real life are driven by a pornography and masturbation addiction.

    As a psychiatrist told me a few weeks ago his definition of addiction: an escalating behavior, to get high (with orgasm), without regard to the consequences. Stuck with me - that escalating behavior is the addiction to porn.

    OP what is 'wrong with me' is that escalation to your fetish, that can be weakened with time and breaking the pornography and masturbation cycle. After just a few weeks, I myself find my own imagination around sex is receding. What I do not feed, no longer grows, it declines. I am feeding other things, and seeing genuine growth.

    OP you should put into place other tools to aid in your sobriety. Take a look here at some of the tools I used in my first days and weeks, knowledge is potential power only if you act on it.

    Pornography and masturbation by its very nature is selfish, narcissistic, and internal-focused. By laying it aside, you can find many other parts of yourself grow and open up. After 4+ decades of porn and masturbation, I have learned tons and tons about myself, and it is only a little over a month for me.

    If I can do it, so can you. Wish you the best.
     
    Robert_GRJ likes this.

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