What the hell was wrong with me

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, May 16, 2019.

  1. Hello, made a post here a few weeks ago about my ”addiction”

    Long story short before i start;
    I had a PA due to stress and such, I always liked chubby girls, GF gained lots of weight, didnt dare telling her, used to upload pics of her body to a fetish site to hear others comment her looks in a way i had wanted to.



    So, this..
    In my previous post i told you about my PA and why i have had an addiction.
    I mentioned I used to chat with anonymous strangers on a fetish site to get pics sent to me to JO, as i didnt want to put my chubby-”fetish” upon my GF.

    This escalated and I soon started uploading pics of my GFs body there, making a username/profile with her photos, some of them being taken of her without her notice while she was changing etc and the rest of them just pics i had taken with her notice at the beach and so on.

    I got turned on and addicted to hearing how she turned people on and how they would comment on her weight and how good she was looking etc..
    As soon I was done I deleted everything and I felt so much shame, but still i did it for like 6-7 months.



    I decided to tell her about it and stop, and i have been ”clean” for 6 months or so never going back.
    She is not too bothered as i assured her there was no face etc on these pics showing her body, and that i deleted them after a short while.





    So thats the story, she is very understanding, wich makes me feel even worse, as i feel like i dont deserve her love and kindness and im so depressed thinking about what people would say or think if they knew


    I have always been there for her and always will, she is the love of my life, and she says the same.







    I just need help to cope with my past behaviour and understsnd how the hell i could be so retarded during those times.
    I feel so bad, so horrible, so disgusting and creepy, i would NEVER do it again.

    I feel like im trapped in a nightmare, i know theres no picture that can harm her IF anyone would have saved it or so, but im still so anxious about the fact that someone might have some of the pics saved or so.

    I just want to leave it all behind, be able to forgive myself and stop dwelling in the past..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2019
  2. For things we have done in the past, we have to own them, which it sounds like you do. We also have to let ourselves be sad, regretful, upset, disgusted, angry and what ever else as the case may be. Feel it, cry it out, scream in frustration, release it.
    Then you have to leave it where it is, in the past, you can not go back and change it. What you can do is be who you really are inside, learn, grow and get there.
     
  3. I try so so hard but it keeps appearing in my mind as soon as i wake up every morning.

    The behaviour is in the past for sure.

    I wish i had something to blame, i know the addiction pushed me further and further beyond my moral limits, but how?

    Theres so much going on in my head and i just want to un-do it.
    I sometimes dream about this, dreaming that i wake up from this nightmare and that its all good, and that im happy just like i used to be etc.



    Im sorry for just ranting but this is so difficult to me, mainly because i love her so much and could have ruined our relationship if she had not been so understanding and forgiving
     
  4. My relationship history has been atrocious, but the first thought I had on reading your last post there was... Make sure she knows how much you love her; do kind things, make her things, flowers, whatever feels appropriate. Can you talk to her about the guilt and perhaps ask how you can make it right in her eyes?

    I think you've received some awesome advice here, and it always takes time to sink in, but... I dunno, I get the sense that your guilt is revolving around a sense of not deserving her love. So love the absolute fuck out of her, let her know how special she is to you... And find the way to forgive your own self.

    I often tell myself things like, you are forgiven, you are loved, you have done bad things but you are not a bad person... in response to all the anxiety I feel over the myriad shit things I have done in my life... I'm talking outside of porn here. The main thing is, that you have her forgiveness. All the best :)
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. Tryinghardtoquit2

    Tryinghardtoquit2 Fapstronaut

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    Hi mate. Glad you told her. That would be a tough pill to swallow for her and hard for you to do as well. I can relate (as can many other Fapstronauts) with having to 'come clean' about past behaviour.

    Years after my poor behaviour I still struggle to reconcile my actions when compared to my values and how it all fits in. In short I can't other than to say I was off my head addicted and only now by being clean can i start to comprehend what I was doing to cope and how it affected my decisions.

    Be kind to yourself. You can't change the past. Guilt and shame may remain but owning it is a big part of moving forward in your recovery.
     
  6. I really appreciate it guys, you all make it sound so easy.

    I have talked to her a billion times about it and she is fine with it even though she feels uncomfortable about the fact that someone might have saved something, but she knows that she cant be recognized in those pictures.
    Im so sorry that I put her through this, she is the kindest person i have ever met in my 23 years of living and I never ever want anything bad to happen to her.

    And yea i try to tell myself im not a bad person, i just did bad things due to an addition caused by stress..
    But really, if thats not making me a bad person, what defines a bad person?




    As i know the pics cant harm her if spread, the biggest issue for me is that i keep thinking about before all this happened, how happy i used to be and how everything was so wonderful EVEN THOUGH i was deeply stressed.

    I feel pathetic being sad about it, like the whole situation doesnt feel "me".


    How do i manage to "own" my guilt, shame and regret?
     
  7. Somebody who does what you have and feels no remorse.
    Remember that internet porn is a completely novel, supernormal stimulus. It's something far more powerful than our brains have ever know, so it stands to reason that people will have an abnormal reaction to it and behave in an abnormal way once habituated to viewing it.

    Can you make positive statements when you feel that guilt about NEVER repeating that behaviour again?
    That you have wronged, and now you know what wrong is, so you know what wrong feels like, so you will NEVER repeat that behaviour again?
    That you are loved, despite what you have done, and that you have a chance to make amends for it?

    I think that's the hardest part- and I'm not at all saying it's easy. I have been practicing this (positive affirmation,) for about 3 years. Sometimes it's bullshit and I don't believe it, sometimes I have behaved as such that I can't bring myself to even pretend I'm a good person, but overall there is an improvement, to the point that I am really eliminating all immoral behaviour from my life, for the benefit of society, and especially so that I don't have to feel that guilt anymore.

    EDIT: Recognising that you are loved even though you did something that has really hurt yourself more than anything by the sounds of it... That's extremely difficult. But it's all there, your girlfriend has forgiven you before you've been able to forgive yourself.

    I think, if you were a bad person, you would have included face in the pics and not deleted them. I'm of the opinion, from what I've read, that you've simply encountered how disgusting and vastly unnatural the stimulation that internet porn provides is.
     
  8. Tryinghardtoquit2

    Tryinghardtoquit2 Fapstronaut

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    Interesting how your addiction is caused by stress... I don't believe that we are addicted to porn as we have stress in our life or lifestyle factors. We have porn in our life because we use it to treat our trauma (whatever that may he) and because we have an inability to cope with lifes pressures.

    Check out this doco

     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. That doco looks awesome; bookmarked, will watch when I get more internet credit :)
     


  10. Well i believe porn was a way to cope with the stress and emotional "trauma" i had instead of letting it show. This use of porn then got me addicted and got me deeper and deeper




    EDIT; My stress is caused by ”trauma”, as i THINK it all started with my both parents getting very ill when i was 17. Might not be childhood but still, i live 6 hours away from them and i also did during that time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2019

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