What to Disclose? (For SAs/PAs Only Please)

[JKnight]

Originally I had speculated on never telling my wife about my addiction and I ended up coming fully clean with her, she never discovered on her own. And I do think that one should come clean with one's SO, I found it to be an initially regretful experience but ended being quite refreshing as my guilt about having been addict dissipated over time. I am not sure if that makes a difference to my question, so I mentioned it, it could.

How much should you continue to inform your SO? And would you tell them the same thing that you tell your AP?
Reasons for full disclosure all the time:

• part of the betrayal trauma was the lying, keeping her part of the loop, especially something that we are ashamed about, could be good for helping that trauma by building trust (maybe?)
• get advice from someone who may have greater insight into your emotional being than your therapist, group or others.
  
• she could be mindful of your triggers with you, especially those that come from her, and be careful
• may be able to help brainstorm potential triggers and ways to deal with them
  
• the openness might create a greater sense of intimacy, you are being vulnerable to someone about something you are deeply ashamed about, and you're trusting them.

Reasons for partial or limited disclosure:

• relapsing/reseting could hurt your relationship more
• constant reminders from you of the offense could be damaging to her which might be more damaging to you
  
• lack of real understanding of what you need to move forward
• she might be a trigger herself, or the topic may be a trigger (yes, I know that is cowardice)
• you have done your duty, and sustained streaks don't really effect them that much practically, so no need to bring up anything until you have something
• no reason for continued discussion.
• The affair is really about the addict, and only things that will help recovery should be discussed and with those that can help

 

[Nugget9]

Could I ask how you went about telling your SO about your PMO habits? I am afraid of losing my SO and am going to call a psychologist tomorrow and hope that it helps me open up about PMO and lots of things. I seem to have always been introverted when it comes to how I feel.

 

[JKnight]

Could I ask how you went about telling your SO about your PMO habits? I am afraid of losing my SO and am going to call a psychologist tomorrow and hope that it helps me open up about PMO and lots of things. I seem to have always been introverted when it comes to how I feel.

How did the psychologist go and what did they advise?

I don't know that I disclosed properly. It is hard to admit and I did regret admitting it for a while afterwards, but my partner became my supporter in this and has done me a lot of good. I think there are a key components. a) be honest and upfront about what you are, b) how it began, when it began, c) why you think you became this why, d) appreciate that she may not trust you and you know that you screwed up and she may feel very deceived but you were addicted and were compelled. e) reassurance and commitment to sobreity f) and a plan of how you are going to prevent screwing up again

but i could be wrong or have missed something out. I felt that it was key to make it that it wasn't her fault, she is wonderful, and that it is something about us that is messed up and it isn't a reflection of how beauty or other things

 

[Nugget9]

I have called on Friday and left a message, so I will call back tomorrow. It sounds like you are doing well with your SO and I hope you continue your success in getting rid of PMO.

 

[MasterRoshi]

Originally I had speculated on never telling my wife about my addiction and I ended up coming fully clean with her, she never discovered on her own. And I do think that one should come clean with one's SO, I found it to be an initially regretful experience but ended being quite refreshing as my guilt about having been addict dissipated over time. I am not sure if that makes a difference to my question, so I mentioned it, it could.

How much should you continue to inform your SO? And would you tell them the same thing that you tell your AP?
Reasons for full disclosure all the time:

• part of the betrayal trauma was the lying, keeping her part of the loop, especially something that we are ashamed about, could be good for helping that trauma by building trust (maybe?)
• get advice from someone who may have greater insight into your emotional being than your therapist, group or others.
  
• she could be mindful of your triggers with you, especially those that come from her, and be careful
• may be able to help brainstorm potential triggers and ways to deal with them
  
• the openness might create a greater sense of intimacy, you are being vulnerable to someone about something you are deeply ashamed about, and you're trusting them.

Reasons for partial or limited disclosure:

• relapsing/reseting could hurt your relationship more
• constant reminders from you of the offense could be damaging to her which might be more damaging to you
  
• lack of real understanding of what you need to move forward
• she might be a trigger herself, or the topic may be a trigger (yes, I know that is cowardice)
• you have done your duty, and sustained streaks don't really effect them that much practically, so no need to bring up anything until you have something
• no reason for continued discussion.
• The affair is really about the addict, and only things that will help recovery should be discussed and with those that can help

My CSAT therapist said to proceed with caution. And to not disclose anything until she is ready with her therapist to hear it. I also think some stuff can remain a secret because the 12 steps say we make direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others. So if we can make direct amends, then we must do a living amends which means to recover from this addiction at all costs and become a new person so we never treat our SO poorly again.