What to do under such circumstances?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by IR254, May 24, 2019.

  1. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

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    First of all, I'm not sure if this is the right section for this thread. It was rather hard to pick one. I thought, since my issue is kind of a "potentially romantic problem" of some kind, I'd post it here.

    That being said, let me elaborate my situation:

    I'm a student at university. Since I'm a complete noob when it comes to girls and dating, I have trouble meeting girls and talking to them. I sometimes make eye contact with girls, but I can't make myself approach them. I just freak out and stay passive, whenever I try. However, there were two occasions, which were somewhat different and special. Two specific girls are part of this situation. I will explain what's going on for each girl seperately.

    So, girl #1 is a really cute blonde. She is literally once of the most beautiful girls, I ever saw. In the past, we often had eye contact and she often smiled at me (no clue if out of interest in me or out of general friendliness). Since no other girl ever smiles directly at me really, I felt special somehow. I had several chances to initiate a conversation, but I blew them all because I chickened out. I could punch myself in the face for it. Nowadays, I don't see her around much. Maybe once every couple of months. Just two weeks ago, I met her at the hallway. She looked at me with a smile, but I fucked up again. I just couldn't say a word. Afterwards, I interpretated her facial expressions as if she wanted to say "Talk to me finally, you dickhead!", which made me almost go crazy (I might overanalyze things here). Since I don't know here name or anything about her, I can't really try to get to know her. But I kinda made friends with the girl, she used to hang out with whenever I saw her. I'm sure this girl does know her name and maybe a number or at least what the blonde girl is doing currently. So basically, I could find out more about the blonde girl through the other girl.

    The second girl is somewhat similiar. She sat down next to me in a lecture one day and we kinda started some small talk. The next few weeks, she always sat down next to me, but never really said much. Again, I fucked up big time and blew the chances to start conversations. I'm such an idiot sometimes, it's not even funny. Like girl one, girl two isn't around anymore. At least I don't see her any longer at the lectures. But during the time, in which she used to sit next to me, she went to have coffee with another female friend of mine. I could potentially ask this friend, if she knows more about that girl.

    The thing is, the people I referred to as "friends of mine" are not really friends, but more like the people I chat with a university. But it's not real friendship yet. So, I don't know if it would be too risky or akward to ask them about other girls, which I don't even know.

    What would you advice me to do? Ask them about the girls or just forget about them and try not to fuck myself over the next time chances like these occur? Is there any chance of ever meeting one of the two girls anymore? Or did I destroy any potential chances by wasting plenty of opportunities in the past? Advice is very much appreciated. I'm a complete disaster when it comes to stuff like this.
     
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  2. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

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    Forget about them, and fix yourself. By this I mean you need to make some changes to yourself. You want to be in a position where you can easily do anything you want pretty much. Confidence, basically. I always say that there is nothing you need to learn, everything comes from you. You are the only thing you need to look into when you have problems like this. You don't need practice anything, you just need to be yourself. But that's not always easy, I know that. Some people go about things like this the wrong way, the try and try and fail. Because they're spending all this time and energy wastefully. You need to improve yourself, not go and try to achieve things when the root problem hasn't been fixed.

    So focus on yourself and keep your mind clear. You WILL get into a situation like these again, keep that in mind and you won't end up writing a post like this gain. And once you do, do more and think less.
     
  3. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

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    What exactly do you mean, when you say improve? I mean other than my social problems, my life is pretty good. I work out a lot, my studies are going quite good, etc. So as far as I'm concerned, I must "only" improve in regards to my social skills. But how does one improve social skills without practice like you say? I doubt, that I will somehow find them "within myself".

    These two girls just keep coming up in my head, especially the first one. Something felt different around her. I guess talking to her friend is off the table, but what would you advice me to do, if I meet her somewhere again? Finally talk to her (even after countless wasted opportunities) or just "ignoring" her like I used to due to my anxiety? I guess I didn't make the best impression by not talking to her for so long, but maybe I could still fix that. What do you say?
     
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  4. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

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    You already have the social skills. Your problem is that you aren't confident enough to get out of your comfort zone to go talk to these girls. It isn't about practicing what to say and how to start a conversation and things like that. These things will come naturally when you are confident. But And you become confident when you improve yourself, in every possible way. You might have to start doing more extreme things to get more confident, even if you are doing good things with your life already.

    You might be too comfortable. Even when you work out you might be going too soft. True confidence comes when you really push yourself to limits you thought weren't reachable. Really being uncomfortable. Doing things that you are afraid of, things that make you anxious. This approaching thing is a very good example. You just having done it would've made you feel very confident. And that would've given you more confidence to do even more things, it's like the snowball effect. And now let's just reverse this: you would've had the confidence to go talk to these girls if you had gained it from doing other things.

    So that's what I mean by improving. Making yourself better will make you more confident. The only thing you need, that you already have, is courage. Courage to take that extra step in whatever you are doing.

    If you meet the girl somewhere, then go talk to her casually. Smooth and natural, no hesitation or planning. Keep a clear mind, don't even think about that. You act natural when it happens suddenly. Like imagine if the girl would just randomly walk up to you while you were doing something on your computer, and then greet you. Your reaction would be natural since you didn't have time to think about it.

    Your biggest enemy is your own mind. Your anxious thoughts racing around. Even now you are thinking that you didn't make the best impression to her, but that is irrelevant. That won't matter when you actually go talk to her. So for now, forget about all of this. That's the absolute best thing you can do. It's best for you keep a clear mind so that none of these thoughts will hinder your thinking.
     
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  5. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

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    Yea, I guess you're right. Altough it's a hard pill to swallow, it has always been one of my biggest problems. I think way to much and then when I'm done thinking, the opportunity already passed. I always think about whether or not I might come off as creepy or weird, but that holds me back. So, I will try to take your advice and keep a clear mind. But I guess it is easier said than done. I'll just try it out. Thanks for your thoughts.
     
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  6. RiverSmoothStone

    RiverSmoothStone Fapstronaut

    @IR254, it seems to me like you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to try to get a date with one of these women. Maybe something you should ask yourself is why you feel so pressured to go on a date with one of these two women right now? For me, going into a conversation with a new person with the sole goal of asking her out on a date is a great way to guarantee that the conversation never happens. But if I go in with the mindset of "hey, this person is cool and maybe I could make a new friend and if things go really well, maybe a date," then at least the conversation is more likely to happen.

    This may be a bit personal (so feel free to ignore it), but do you have any close, platonic friends who are women? Something that I've found makes me more comfortable around women is spending time with them. I have several close friends who are women and talking to them on a regular basis helps me take the pressure off of myself when I'm interacting with women who I may want to date. Because ultimately, "talking to women" isn't its own separate thing. It's just "talking." But in order to realize/internalize that, it helps to have women that you talk with on a regular basis to remind yourself that women are people, not goddesses and talking with them isn't really different than talking with other people. I don't think that you should understand this just from me saying it, however. In order to really believe it, you need to experience it. So go out there and make some friends!

    All this said, I should add a disclaimer. I'm not someone who gets a lot of dates. I haven't been on one in a while, in fact. But I do have quite a few friends! :) (At least, enough that I'm happy). And I think I'd rather be someone with a lot of friends than someone with a lot of dates.
     
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  7. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

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    To some degree, you're absolutely right. I do feel very pressured to finally find a partner and I feel there is no way of that happening without dating first. You know, I'm 21 now and never was close with any woman. The "wildest" thing that ever happened was, that I kissed some girls while we both we're a bit drunk. That's it. Never heared back from any of these girls. I feel like a complete weirdo for being alone still at my age. To be honest, it does hurt my self esteem a lot knowing, that most other people my age already have strong relationsships with their partners for several years, while I'm all by myself. And I'm not trying to blame anyone for it. I know, that I'm the one responsible for this situation, which makes me feel even worse about it.

    That being said, I do not want to date one of the two girls per se. I mean, I wouldn't decline if the opportunity presents itself. But actually, I'm talking about these two specific women, because they were the only women ever, to give me a certain feeling. A feeling like I was special in their eyes. That's why I focus on these two. But I'm also open for other girls, who are nice people. If you have a look at my latest profile post for example, you will find out, that I met a girl, who was really amazing. But later that night, it turns out that she has a boyfriend, which made me feel very frustrated.

    This is not too personal, don't worry. The answer is a bit complicated.

    First of all, I don't really have any real friends. Maybe one guy, which I've known for years. Back in the day, we were really good friends, but after school ended, we kinda lost contact. We see each other maybe once every two or three months.

    I do have some people however, which I would consider "friends" in a broader sense. They are more like the people, who I chat with at university. And yes, under these people, there are women as well. I also had a few female friends back in school, but I lost contact to them as well. When I generall talk to a woman without any romantic interest, I can talk to them rather smoothly most of the time.

    Altough I would like to have more friends too, I would enjoy it even more to be a person, who is not alone still at the age of 21.
     
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  8. RiverSmoothStone

    RiverSmoothStone Fapstronaut

    I know the feeling and it's tough. I didn't go on my first date until I was almost 21. I have friends now who haven't ever been on a date (and they're around 24 or 25). Even though it seems like everyone around you has awesome relationships, there are plenty of people around you who are in the same boat as you. You're not a weirdo. You're not flawed or broken because of this.

    I'm not sure I believe you saying that you're not trying to blame anyone about it as it seems like you're trying real hard to blame yourself! :) Personally, I find that whenever I start going down the rabbit hole with self-blame/self-pity, I'm doing so unfairly. For instance, I recently asked out a friend and found out that she is dating someone else. It felt a lot like rejection at the time. I talked to my therapist about it the next week, though, and he pointed out that I wasn't rejected at all. After I asked her out, she told me that there was this other guy who had helped her through a tough time in her life, she had grown close to him, and they began dating. But nowhere in there is a statement about me. Sure, she was explaining why she wasn't going on a date with me, but she wasn't saying that I was the problem. There really isn't anyone that can be blamed here. Not her, not her boyfriend, not me. This is just the way the world turned out.

    Yeah, this is not a fun situation. But it sounds like there's something positive here. You went out and you had a successful interaction with someone of the opposite gender. That's good! Even if it didn't turn out the way you would have liked, there's nothing you could have done to make it end the way you wanted, so treat this as a success and be proud of it.

    Hmm, I don't think this is a productive attitude. If you're going into dating with the mindset that it will be a panacea for your loneliness, you're bound to be disappointed. You'll expect too much from the relationship and whether you end up blaming your partner or yourself for your continued loneliness, you'll still be unhappy. My advice is to focus on building friendships before you focus on dating. Besides, friends can help with the dating process. They'll go out with you, they'll listen to you gripe, they'll support you when things don't go great, and they'll be happy for you when things go well.
     
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  9. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

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    Yea, maybe. But it still feels very much like it. I really don't want to insult any of your friends, but I do not want to become like them. When I was 18 and still single, I (not so seriously) said to myself "If I'm still single at 20, I'll kill myself". Whenever another year passes without any progress in that matter, it feels like another chunk of my self esteem just breaks away.

    Yes, I am blaming myself indeed. Who else is responsible, if not me? I don't buy into the idea, that nobody is responsible. It's clearly my fault, that I don't put in enough effort to talk to women and go out. But at the same time, I feel paralysed everytime I try to make a move. This fucks my self esteem.

    Yea, in this specific case, it was nobodys fault. Shit happens. But honestly, you're situation seems a lot different than mine. You had the balls to ask her and it didn't turned out as planned. I could do things to change my situation, but I don't because I'm too scared or afraid of making myself look like a fool. That's the difference.

    The problem is, that I don't see anything to be proud about. I didn't really do anything. The dude I went out with and myself just sat at a table at a local fair and waited for the band to continue playing after their break. The girl sat next to us the entire evening already and then just asked me a simple question. In order to understand what I'm trying to say, you have to know, that at these events you usually wear very specific clothes. Girls usually were a piece of clothing, which indicates their relationship status and if they are up for flirting or not. I should have noticed, that she was taken. But I didn't, so I really fucked myself. I thought, that she was interested in me, although I could have noticed easily, that she wasn't even single. If I'm not mistaken, she was even there with her boyfriend. So, I obviously just overinterpretated everything she said and done. So, if anything, I should slap myself for being stupid enough to not check the piece of clothing before developing hopes and for wrongly interpretating her actions. I don't see why I should (or could for that matter) be proud of myself.

    Yea, you're probably right. It's just, that I'm literally haunted by the fact, that I'm still alone. I don't know why I define myself by it, but it seems like I just can't let go of my thoughts about the topic. At this point, I feel like less than a man. I used to numb myself with porn, but since that is not an option anymore, I just become more and more depressed about it.

    I know that I probably sound like a whiny bitch, but at the moment I don't feel strong enough to change anything about it. Nevertheless, I really appreciate your attempts to encourage me.
     
  10. RiverSmoothStone

    RiverSmoothStone Fapstronaut

    Hmm, if you're bound, set, and determined to keep pinning the blame on yourself, I don't think I'll be able to convince you otherwise. But know that I'm not convinced that you deserve half the blame that you're heaping on yourself. :) Some blame? Sure. But I suspect you're being way harsher on yourself than necessary.

    If you're not already, might I recommend seeing a therapist to talk about some of this? I mean this not in a "you need help" kind of way, but rather in a "you might find it helpful" kind of way. I didn't start talking to one until I needed it, and I wish I had started going before I got to that point.
     
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  11. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

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    I can't deny that. I tend to be harder than necessary with myself. But that's how I am. Always have been and probably always will be like that.

    I thought about seeing a therapist in the past, too. But there is a problem, which holds me back:

    I have two choices. I can either go to a therapist and pay him/her in cash or I can report it to my health insurrance company and let them pay the costs. I can't afford the first option and I can't do the second option, because it will be added to my files, which will block me out of my career choice in the future. In my chosen field, you need a crystal-clear record when it comes to health. When they take a look at my record and see, that I went to a therapist, I'm out. It doesn't even matter what I went there for. The fact, that I did go see one is enough to block me. I can't risk that.
     
  12. RiverSmoothStone

    RiverSmoothStone Fapstronaut

    Jeez, that's brutal. Well, best of luck to you!
     
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  13. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You don't talk to her because you don't want to talk to her. What you want is a guaranteed positive outcome with no potential for anything to go wrong.

    You don't want to get to know her. What you want is to not be rejected and to not make any mistakes.

    You don't want to connect and share your life with her. You want safety and escapism.

    You don't want her to make her own decisions about you that could potentially hurt you. What you want is to make assumptions that scare you out of taking any action.

    Your feelings and comfort is way more important than taking a risk that could end up in a negative experience. So you self sabotage any opportunities that could take your safety and solitude away from your life.

    If a life of safety, solitude, and pleasurable experiences that doesn't require any risks is what you want, then porn is the answer. Have as much as you want, anytime you want. Leave those girls for someone that's interested in a reality that can be messy, awkward, difficult, unideal, painful, and uncertain.
     

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