What to do?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Hyperactivelad, Apr 25, 2016.

  1. Hyperactivelad

    Hyperactivelad Fapstronaut

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    So I've been clean of PMO for about three week/1 month now. I've been doing really well. I know that my body is going to crave the endorphins rush and is going to make me want to justify it. But I'm not going to do it. My girlfriend and I are on a little 'break' since 'I don't take care of myself and I'm like a child when I'm around her.' I've just associated that endorphine rush with her and that's all I want when I'm around her. She wants me to give her space and not hang on her or be too clingy. I'm in control of myself and I know what to do when I'm feeling randy. I've done really well with making her feel special and taking care of her. But she's still hurt about what happened the day I quit. I'm not the most financially stable so I have to move an hour away to my dads in order to save money to get a car and rent a home of my own. Anybody else have advise for long distance relationships with some trust issues. What did you do to help eleviate stress of mistrust for your partner. She's worried I will break and do it again. I won't. I just don't know how to show it to her.
     
  2. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    You can't. If you have not indulged you just say I haven't and then it's out of your hands. No one likes to be doubted but it's part of the territory, we are responsible for causing that upto a certain point. You do not need to prove anything
     
    RiseWithHope and Hyperactivelad like this.
  3. Hyperactivelad

    Hyperactivelad Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Kk I appreciate the response. You are right. I can only do/say so much before its out of my hands. I just have to stay true and she will see that I'm doing my best to be with her.
     
  4. SupportSpouse

    SupportSpouse Fapstronaut

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    I am new but I am the spouse of an addict. Because of his job, he travels overnight for nights at a time.

    The struggle is real for her. She wants to trust and not doubt but she can't just flip that switch just as you can't flip the switch to completely recover in a 24 hour time frame.

    She needs validation that her feelings are as appropriate as yours. She has 'the' right just as you. She might need to verify even after trust has bloomed. It's like a comfort thing.

    The more honesty from both sides, imo the deeper and truer the recovery will be for your relationship. You likely hid your addiction and lied either directly or indirectly about it. So honesty, honesty and more....
     
    RiseWithHope and TheWife like this.
  5. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

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    SupportSpouse,
    I agree with you. NO amount of my words would help build trust. I had to take some proactive steps (meaning I did this without being asked) to rebuild her trust.
    Additionally, for the woman this feels like an affair, so it is traumatic to her. When there is trauma it creates triggers for the person who was cheated on.
    Michael ash, I would recommend that you talk to her from the point of understanding her pain. You can't make her trust you, but you can sit in the pain with her. It will feel uncomfortable to hear about your impact on someone you love but you need to own that pain. Trying to deny it or resist it will only lengthen the time and do more damage.
     
    Hyperactivelad likes this.
  6. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend encouraged me to put accountable software on his devices because he had nothing to hide from me.
    I declined but knowing he felt that way put ease on my mind.
    All I can say is it takes time to rebuild trust.
     
  7. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    Time is a great healer but if you haven't done it then you haven't done it.
     
  8. sumssense

    sumssense Fapstronaut

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    @Michael ash Trust is a tough thing to earn, even in close distance relationships! And with PMO it's easy to catch someone relapsing or seeing signs, but impossible to catch them not doing it. Maybe focus on building trust in other areas, while staying strong on the NoFap front. Good Luck!
     

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