What use is self improvement when I am still lonely?

I found that the highest goal of self improvement is to just to get out of your head (regretting about the past, worrying about the future or living in the fantasy word), living in the present accepting yourself as you are (stoicism etc.) and going your way (improving your life in the way as you see it).

Romantic relationship, a lot of friends, acceptance of society won't change anything, it's all delusional, it's good but you will want more and more.
At the end of the day you are alone and most of the time you are alone, so the best thing you can do to yourself make this time good (stop worrying).
I regret a LOT that because of my anxiety and fear during school and university years I suffered a lot and I haven't tried/do things I wanted. But now all I can do is to make some conclusions (like I need to overcome my fear in different areas of my life little by little) and move on with my life.

 

I dont want to be the bad guy here... but
You are feeling lonely, plus you dont know how to connect with other people and have a lifetime of loneliness and isolation and... you are going to travel by yourself to a foreign country???

That doesn't have any sense. It is more of the same, in the same direction. It is prossible that you are going to be feeling like the ugly duckling in an unknown place without knowing anybody.

"Wherever you go you will be carrying your problems with you"
Face you problems, now

 

Now you can learn

 

Sorry i am not good at quoting i was talking to both of you. It doesnt seem like a good idea i both of the cases, wich are pretty similar as you know.
And referring to the twofold motivation behind your travel, the first sound awesome, the second.... not so much. You cannot pull it off in your country what makes you think you are going to doit in another one? You pretend to sprint before learning how to walk.

How is that is making you feel? Uncertain? Worried?
Basically you answer me that you dont know how to healthy love somebody. Think about it, man. That is the real deal. Learn. That is the thing, learn, when you admit to yourself that you dont know something, that is awesome! now you have something to learn.
Free yourself in the world, you are learning now. Be a FOOL. Because only by your disposition to be a real fool, to allow yourself the possibility end up being a fool, you are going to have a real experience and learn from it.

You never had a relationship, do you think that your first relationship is going to be flawless? Probably not. But you need to expose yourself to the thing first! and then make yourself a fool and then learn from it.

Open yourself to experience. And i mean the scary sh*tty experience.
You want to experience another country, that is great but... you also want to experience being with a girl and a relationship, or not? Be honest with yourself. What do you want?

 

I know! Right? It is so scary

 

Bro, I've got a discord server for NoFap and I'm pretty lonely too bro no cap. I did have friends but I cut them off for a number of reasons and I have too much self respect too be treated like dirt by them, so I'm trynna make new friends too. So if you or anyone else wants to join my server send me a request on discord(Username DrPepe. Number 5945)

 

Same here. Install tinder and find a girl. Or try finding people similar to you. Vast of them is not like you and u shouldnt care bout them

 

That's quite a lot, man.

 

The guys over at GirlsChase.com have a lot to say on this kind of issue. I think it takes a lot of effort to get the ball rolling, which will feel artificial and pointless, but the relational ball isn't going to start rolling by itself, so to speak. It's hard to do when you're more or less content with things as they are, though.

 

It may not be your issue or even an individual issue, but a social and collective one.

I find there's a strange compartmentalization or whatever where people who work on themselves and do well may not end up having that level of success in a social context, and the social context which may be working reasonably well, such as a recovery fellowship may not help the individuals that much. The latter requires a bit of explanation since many will readily say it has helped them, and I think that is best seen by looking at the detailed lifestyle changes the individuals with success have made, and compare that with the message those organizations put out. You don't hear about nearly that much detail at those meetings, most of it would be considered off topic - and you don't get that much time to share even at a small meeting.

So what strikes me is the two are not closely integrated. If it was, the kind of detailed know-how would inform the collective group, and the collective group would improve upon the social life of the individual - but my guess is very often the relating is limited to formal meetings. People who do develop friendships seem to have either done that through a residential recovery program and/or were more social persons by nature in the first place.

I don't have an unrealistic expectation of spending a lot of time with people I hardly know, and I know recovery groups are there for that reason and not to improve my social life, but I do think people working together on something meaningful do develop a bond. The trouble as far as I can see is the working together part. When the "work" is little more than a rather general accountability or relapse prevention but not seen as something where you really are working on yourself that deeply, or if you do touch on that it's more of a confessional dynamic than something transformative, then there's just not that much interaction even if individually people may be looking to dig deep. In other words we might be doing it but what may just need to happen is doing it together, and it probably doesn't happen with a large number of people in a more hands off distant way like posting on the forum but one on one or small groups.

Edit: I also don't mean to single out recovery fellowships, that's just an obvious collective to look at in this context and there is both the lack and the positive potential. I do think socialization in many areas are less than optimal for different reasons.

 

The way I think about this is, I need to get my own space and life set up so I'd actually want someone to come into it. I mean that both in the sense that I feel good enough about my life to want someone to see inside it, and in the sense that I'd want to open my space up to let someone in.

Not much of a chaser either - I'd prefer to work on myself and let someone come along if they like what they see. I suppose in one sense it's a passive approach, but in another sense it really isn't, it's just a long-term approach.

Dunno if you can relate to this, but I think you probably can.

 

I've been approaching girls I like on the street for two years. I have met a lot of girls and a lot of guys who have become great friends.

That doesn't stop me from continuing to feel lonely.

Just because you are sociable and surrounded by people doesn't mean that this feeling disappears. It's much deeper than that. You can have fulfilling social relationships and still feel lonely. You can also have no friends and feel truly fulfilled and at peace with yourself.

The truth is, there's nothing wrong with feeling lonely.If I can reassure you, everyone feels lonely on a larger or smaller scale. It's not loneliness that makes us sad, it's how we react to it. It's our relationship to it.

Self improvment is only useful if you practice it not to become the "best version of yourself", but rather to let go and learn to accept yourself as you really are, to discover yourself and be honest with yourself on a daily basis. Taking care of yourself.

It's not a fight. It's the opposite.

You may never stop feeling lonely. But you'll change the relationship you have with yourself and you'll accept who you really are and what you're going through.

I love feeling lonely