What would it take for us to change?

Kakarot_2694 · Mar 7, 2021

I have lost my way in this journey of abstinence more number of times than I can count. A few days clean, then a little peek here and there and then a full blown relapse before feeling shitty again and owing never to watch Porn. Oh the days,months and years I have spent in this endless cycle.

There is no point in taking a step mindlessly not knowing “WHY” you are taking that step. The only time I took this seriously and disciplined myself to 110 days was 2 years ago when my ex had left me for another guy and I vowed to be the best version of myself for my future wife and kids. That was my ‘WHY’. My pillar of reason. Eventually I lost my way into thinking that I was better off being alone and that i didn’t have it in me to experience the pain of betrayal from another girl again. My “WHY”, the reason for which I started all this, came crumbling down and I relapsed and never looked back. That is atleast until now.

The first thing I read as I opened the newspaper the other day was the tragic story of how a little girl had been raped and murdered by a 17 year old 8th grade dropout juvenile. The guy was watering the fields around noon when the girl had come to collect fodder for her animals. He strangulated her and dragged her body to another field to avoid suspicion. He was apparently watching porn on his phone as per the senior superintendent of police here. The girl had a speech impediment as a result of which she couldn’t even cry out for help.

I took a photo of the article and saved it as my lock screen wallpaper to remind myself every time I had an urge to fap of the depths to which porn can drag one down. I feel truly ashamed that I have been a consumer of this industry and that it took the life of a little girl to put some sense into my head. I hope her death can inspire us to be better men in our society and in ridding this evil for good. Do consider before consuming. Peace.

GrandRising · Mar 7, 2021

Hi Kakarot,

Having a "Why" is important on this journey and something it seems many of us (myself included) forget about or lose sight of from time-to-time.

Personally I think the best "Whys" are focused more on our own, tangible, and personal growth than on growing for others. Though I am not discounting the motivation and positive benefits of having "Whys" that focus on external people, events, figures etc.

For example your first "Why" was about being the best version of yourself for your future wife and kids. I think this is better suited as a secondary reason for quitting PMO rather than a primary reason. Having a "Why" that's other-focused and not self-focused may work very well for a time but most of the time will eventually fail as it's not addressing the belief system and personal circumstances of the person who is using the porn. The other part of this first "Why" is that it's about your future wife and kids. If you had a wife and kids currently I would think it would be more effective as your family is a real, living breathing part of your life, and you would be able to see and feel the difference in yourself when you're using porn vs. when you're not using porn. Though again, I do not discount it being as a powerful motivator, just that it may not be an effective primary motivator.

Your second "Why", which came about reading this tragic story of this poor girl, while also being powerful, I personally believe will lose it's power over time. My reasoning would be that I doubt you are the type of person who would commit such a horrendous crime (or any crime) no matter how much porn you watched, and also because you do not know this girl or the situation personally. It will not be a "Why" that is personal to you and your situation. I would again place this as being a good secondary motivator rather than a primary motivator in the goal and commitment to quitting porn.

I believe the best "Whys" can come from asking yourself and reflecting on the question of what is it you truly want to change within yourself that would benefit your life in the short-term and long-term? What changes is PMO hindering you from making that you want to make, or that leaving behind PMO could help you change?

Secondly, why do you use porn? Is it a distraction from stresses in your life, or a way to cope with deep grief? Is it an obsession with female attention? There are so many reasons, and getting as close as you can to defining those reasons can help with understanding your addiction and creating a "Why" that's personal, meaningful and deeply powerful for you.

I hope that you will not read this post as critical of you as that is not my intention whatsoever. My intention is to point you towards a "Why" which might hold more of you in it than others and which can fuel your personal growth in tangible ways.

All the best in your journey

Kakarot_2694 · Mar 7, 2021

No offence taken, my friend…more than willing to learn… the one thing I am most fearful of is the man into whom I might be changing to over time… I am sure that guy didn’t have it planned out that day to do those horrendous things to that little girl… his brain was jacked up on the dopamine rush from the video he was watching and once the hormones take over there is no reasoning between the rational and the irrational…I am fearful of myself turning into someone over whom I won’t have any control with logic marred by superficial skin deep lust…I say this because I have also had sexually deviant behaviors that I have never had a few years back… I have never transgressed beyond vanilla porn but I sure let my thoughts run amok in the confines of my head… none of this sort(R*pe) most definitely but still deviant nonetheless…sporting a smile in front of them and fantasizing about them later… eventually I found a genre of porn that catered to this newly developed kink…bloody ashamed of myself man…knowing what you are watching is wrong but still watching it nevertheless… so this fear is my new ‘WHY’… …half of me fights these thoughts with whatever logic/reason left while the other half is slowly dragging me beyond the tolerance limit of morally accepted behaviors…end of the day even if the other guy wins, I am just too tired to go about with it after having exhausted all my will power… I am not this person,man….i truly am not…I don’t want to feed this sick addiction anymore…I just want to be free…

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What would it take for us to change?

Kakarot_2694 Fapstronaut

GrandRising Fapstronaut

Kakarot_2694 Fapstronaut

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