What's behind it

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by fapachino, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. fapachino

    fapachino Fapstronaut

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    I would think this would have been covered in one shape or form before but I thought I would post as I can't find anything directly about this.

    What I'm wondering is why do I pmo and why do I want to even when I know it is bad for me. I guess there are the usual triggers that people talk about, stress, feeling rejected etc. I'm just thinking about myself and if I feel a bit down I'll boost myself by pmo. I'm just trying to figure out what the potentially unmet need is that I could meet to avoid going down that road.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. It's a deep problem. A similar kind of issue - we evolved through millions of years where fat and sugar were really hard to get and there was never enough to eat; so nowadays they're freely available, and we have obesity epidemics, because our drives for nutrition are still conditioned to deal with scarcity even when there's plenty. With sex, the drive is all about the genes getting out there and creating copies of itself, but in the past, opportunities were highly limited by social pressure and many other things. Now all the restraints are taken off, it is very easy for that drive to find simulated outlets, which is what P. is. That might not make it any easier, but it might provide a sense of *why* it is such a powerful force, even when the rational/thinking mind knows better.
     
  3. fapachino

    fapachino Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, that all makes sense. So it's basically about the hit we get from it? It really is just like a drug addiction in that sense then. Hopefully with time off pmo it'll settle and become less of a habitual response in regards to how I live my life.
     
  4. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    Good question, I've wondered the same thing myself but I think the answer is easy. The Dopamine rush feels so good and we are human. What feeling do you want to have "stress, feeling rejected etc." or a blast of wonderful Dopamine. For me PMO wins every time, because I like feeling good. However when I PMO to excess I can't: focus on a job and I end up failing, have great relationship with women, miss out on real life because I'm too busy PMO...you get it. The Dopamine rush is great, but the way it consumes my life ruins my life. I can't keep PMO and lead the life I want. Now I just need the strength to see this through so I can see some benefits from quitting. I'm shooting for 30-days as my first goal, hopefully I'll see some more benefits soon. This reminds me, I'm going to write in my journal a few things that have improved since stopping PMO.
     
  5. 011214

    011214 Fapstronaut

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    I would suggest that there are several aspects of our addiction to look at. As has already been mentioned, brain chemistry is a huge part of it. It helps to understand what the brain is doing and to be able to look at it from a detached perspective. It's important not to judge ourselves, but to look at it objectively. But the physiological aspect of our addiction is just one part. For most people there is also a biological addiction, which has also been mentioned in this thread. For many there is an emotional aspect, which you mentioned in your original post. I believe that there is a spiritual aspect (not necessarily the religious understandings of spirituality...). And then for some there is a psychological aspect, as when someone suffered sexual abuse as a child.

    For myself, I've had to really recognize that my use of porn wasn't ever the real issue. It was a symptom. The real issue is the false belief that I am, by nature, undeserving of real love, real connection, and the pursuit of my real dreams. Shame has always kept me from embracing the truth that I do deserve love, and that I do deserve to live the life I would imagine for myself. Addressing this shame has been key for me.

    I quit porn just over a year ago and haven't looked at it since. That was after a fourteen year addiction. My life is better and it's not because I removed something from my life that I didn't like. It's because I finally went inside myself and found the 14 year old boy who first looked at porn, and the 5 year old boy who first experienced shame, and I held them, in love, without judgement, and then I began a dialogue with them so that I could come to understand what they really need and how to heal them, and how to reassure them that they deserve love, and are not meant to remain hidden in the shadows.

    As important as it is to understand why you keep doing something that you don't want to do, it is far more important to understand what you do want to do. Focus your attention on treating yourself with deep and profound love. Focus your attention on living the life you deeply want to live, and regard porn not as a curse you can't shake, but a lie you no longer believe in. It doesn't serve you. It tricks you, every time. But it doesn't have to.

    I know how hard it is to get caught in those cycles where there is a part of your brain (your amygdala) that takes over. It's running the show and it thinks, it really thinks, that it's actually copulating with a whole myriad of women. There's another part of your brain that is being completely shut up by your amygdala. This is your prefrontal lobe. It's your decision maker but it's been hijacked and although it's sheepishly whispering to your amygdala to stand down, it almost seems too late. The amygdala is in charge and it's all hopped up on a slew of chemicals. You need to rewire your brain. You need to strengthen your prefrontal lobe so that in the moments when you see something, or think something, that causes your amygdala to light up, your prefrontal lobe has the strength to step in and be the one in charge.

    CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can be really helpful with this. Spend time in a meditative state imagining scenarios in which your amygdala might be triggered. "Practice" making the decision you truly want. For example, imagine yourself sitting down at your computer. No one is home. It's late. You are bored, lonely, and tired. You open your browser and go to google. Allow yourself to feel the desire to type something in that will lead you down that path that you've been down so many times. You know where it leads. You know the feelings you will have when it's all over. You know how it's negatively affecting your life. Now, just as your about to type in whatever you would type in, STOP (say this word aloud in your mind). Begin then to think of all the positive benefits of not repeating this behavior. Think of how it will benefit you personally, your relationships, and your life. Feel the relief of having chosen the path that leads to where you really want to go. Do this, and your brain will learn. Do this, and your response in those sensitive situations will become second nature. Your amygdala may still try to take charge, but your prefrontal lobe will be stronger.

    You can change your brain. You can move through all of your false beliefs and look at yourself truly. You can learn to no longer be tricked by what you already know is such a feeble lie.
     
  6. Thank you for that incredible response, it makes alot of sense.
     
  7. borborygmos

    borborygmos Fapstronaut

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    011214's post is an approach I have been using to make/break habits effectively, but I've never been able to figure out how to apply it to quitting porn. His explanation makes enough sense that I'm beginning to think again that I can quit porn, not because I feel the all-too-short excitement about nofap, but because now I know how to quit porn effectively. Thank you, 011214.
     

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