what's happening with me

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by frankied, Nov 10, 2015.

  1. frankied

    frankied Fapstronaut

    I was on a streak of 70 days, and i was feeling bad, i thought watching one video wouldn't matter that much. That was 2 weeks ago, and now i am so down low, i have been watching porn every other day, i have watched today during school on the toilet, i have watched The worst stuff that is out there... My world is comepletely different then a few weeks ago when i was on a streak. I started to crave more social situations, and now i don't give a shit about it, when i see a girl, i just want to bang her, or watch porn, porn is on my mind every day.

    And the worst thing is, life feels easier now, i am just in a state of emptiness, combined with a huge disinterest in anything that's human or normal.

    But also i feel a lot of hate and anger, towards myself and towards others.

    Why do i tell myself i am not addicted, and that porn is good for me ?

    Today i was so down that i didn't care anymore what happened at work, i just had such a disinterest and hate in everything, that it became easier to just work. I didn't care that much if people saw me in this state, still i was ashamed, so i tried to hide it a bit.

    I want to love people, but i actually hate most of them, i can't say i am thankful anymore at the end and beginning of the day, because i am not thankfull of anything right now.

    People look dangerous to me, some i think are evil. How can people be so mean. If someone makes fun of me or criticizes me i feel unworthy and i hate the person at the same time.

    Sometimes i am suicidal, even when things seem to be great, excercising eating healthy, and that thought kicks in, i might better make an end to it, it's not worth it. I am not worth it.

    Sorry for being such a whiner, i just wanted to tell how i feel. I want to feel good and help others, but i can't even help myself.
  2. chris4nj

    chris4nj Fapstronaut

    I hear you. It can be rough at times.
    The main thing to know is that you have a choice.
    Yes, your brain is firing off all sorts of patterns. (Have you read up on www.yourbrainonporn.com? If not, go there!)
    And, you are not the patterns.
    You can choose to do something else.

    Are you willing to make a promise for the next two days that, when you feel the urge to PMO, you will get up and do something else?
    RiBo likes this.
  3. SolidStance

    SolidStance Guest

    You were on a great streak and got careless, you forgot you held the light. Fine. We have been there, now its time to go back on the quest.

    70 days, 70 months, 70 years, doesnt matter, now you see we must be ever diligent, always ready and on our guard.

    Remember you will get back some clarity in a few days if you can manage to beat the chasers and quit the binge.

    Breathe with me. Deep breaths.

    Say it with me out loud, everyday: I did not masturbate today and I'm sure as hell not going to fap tomorrow. I live life to the fullest, as the fullest. I am pure energy, master of my mind, body and emotions.

    Solid Stance, Brother in Arms to Heirs of the Sun. Holding the light for 29 days.
  4. bm12

    bm12 Fapstronaut

    Some days I feel like I could have wrote word for word what you posted. It won't always be like this. Find a reason to fight. Think about why you even wanted this in the 1st place. The world needs more people willing to fight for self control. Be one of them.
    frankied likes this.
  5. SolidStance

    SolidStance Guest

    Today is that day, and tomorrow is too. Dont wait for a streak to make you confident, start now.
  6. bm12

    bm12 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Solid. I'm confident right now and tomorrow
    SolidStance likes this.
  7. SolidStance

    SolidStance Guest

    I just realized, in fact I cant believe I forgot, this is a great thing that has happened to you. This experience is another stripe on your jacket, another pendant. You know Generals dont just get medals for wars they have won? They get medals for wars fought.

    Well this is another war, and your on the front lines yet again. You can say you have been through this shitstorm before, this time is no different, except now your even more knowledgable. Once you spply that knowledge, you will be gaining wisdom. Wisdom is the timely application of knowledge.

    We look up to you for this. We see your struggle and we see you get back up again and again and again. What a leader.

    Take this moment, this appearant tragedy, and turn it into victory. Put on your war paint because I need to see which side your on. Each battle has casualties, but for our struggle, we incarnate again, over and over until its done.

    Im so excited to see what happens next.
  8. frankied

    frankied Fapstronaut

    you guys are all so right, but still my mind keeps telling me its better now, even i know its not. I started smoking again, fucking eating shit, lots of caffeine while i have hartproblems and in social situations i just drift with the sheep, instead of saying what i have to say, giving my opinions, i am an agreer and its so much easier to be an agreer. I just talk with the people, the low concious, because that's what most people are these days, and it feels hella comfortable.
  9. JoePineapples

    JoePineapples Fapstronaut

    You know what to do.
    You know stuff was going better when you were off the porn.
    Since you slipped, you stumbled. And now you're two weeks into a cycle of bad habits.
    Good news? You know how to fix this. You know what to do.
    The first thing you need to do is DECIDE to stop. Now.
    Then Stop. Now. Not tomorrow – SolidStance is right. If you put it off until tomorrow, you will put it off again.

    Things that might help:
    Write down a list of benefits you had in your life towards the end of your 70-day streak, how you were feeling, any positive effects.
    Put the last two weeks down to experience. A learning experience. Resolve not to go there again.
    Do a day clean. One day. That's your first day of your new streak.
    Set your goal at 70 days. You know it's possible because you've already done it. But you're going to do 71. Then 72. Then 90. Then whatever you fucking feel like because you've GOT THIS FUCKER.

    Use NoFap as a catalyst to clean up your life. Trying to do too many things at once may be counter productive, so maybe leave the smoking for now (unless you're comfortable with quitting), but replacing bad habits with good is a good strategy.
    Look after yourself, cut down on the caffeine, eat properly. Red empowering, positive stuff.

    Start a journal on here. (Sorry if you've already got one and I've missed it)
    Write down all your victories, and celebrate small goals. Write down your challenges. Work out strategies to deal with triggers.
    What will you do next time you're feeling bad? You know now that one video does matter. Use that.

    Start today. Start NOW.
    SolidStance likes this.
  10. frankied

    frankied Fapstronaut

    The thing is i feel better now, i talk more in class, less anxiety, everything just seems easier now. I know there's something wrong about this, but it feels true. When i write down how i feel now compared to how i feel when i am on nofap, i feel much better now. I don't understand this. It should be the other way around... So sick of this and myself
  11. OddTheOodle

    OddTheOodle Fapstronaut

    I think this feeling you describe won't last. You feel better now because it is easier to go back to your old ways of doing things. It is always hard working on ourselves. And we become complacent, even comfortable in our misery. It sounds like that is what is happening here. You have decided, whether consciously or not, that you are more comfortable when you are not working on yourself. That you feel better when not on NoFap.

    Like @JoePineapples said, you have to decide you want recovery. You did that before. And if you think back to how you felt right before starting NoFap for the first time, I bet you would come up with some pretty negative descriptive words. It's less about the actions and more about your attitude. You are not in the place right now to realize how miserable you are, because compared to the perceived difficulty of doing anything about it, it seems like a much better option.

    Once you decide you want recovery, you will once again see your own misery and be motivated to do more about it. You can either choose to use this event with the scammer to get you closer to the point where you once again want recovery, or you can ignore it; the choice is completely yours.

    As always, we are here for you, brother. Good luck, and let me know if you need anything.
    frankied and JoePineapples like this.
  12. frankied

    frankied Fapstronaut

    Yes you are totally right, it just feels easier this way, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, eating whatever i want, it makes everything numb, i am less emotional, but i am not alive. There is definitly a few things that were better when i was on NoFap, and that was the enjoyement that came from being with friends, and little things that could make me happy. Also right now i am not interested in anything, i don't talk back to girls anymore, i don't really care about it, i don't want to hang out with friends, and i don't care about school anymore.

    The reason why this is so easy aswell, in my class every guy is like this, i can relate with them now easier, because i can talk with them how stupid school is and how it's cool to not do anything in class but gaming.

    On NoFap i wanted to actually learn stuff in school, that was harder because i got comments from a guy because he didn't like it that i was serious about school.

    Thank you for the insight man, makes a lot of sense to me. Working on myself is probably the hardest thing to do, but in the end it will be better then what i am doing now :)
    OddTheOodle likes this.

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