Whats up everyone lil bit (a lot) about me.. tired of destructive cycle!!

I had no idea that this was a thing to be honest until i saw the video from Terry Cruise talking about his addiction to pornography. He did not mention this site per se however based on the algorithms that youtube uses, many of the supporting videos mentioned NOFAP reddit. So i clicked on those and here I am. Now on to me:

I am married to a great woman that is truly amazing and I am addicted to pornography. Porn has been a part of my life since age 10 i guess. My father used to have magazines and videos and I would find them and look at them and from there it just about became normal. I did not have a great family life growing up and in some ways this was probably a way to feel good but got way out of hand. Growing up never was I told that I should not be watching R rated movies or anything so I was just constantly flooded with these images of sex, sexuality, videos and etc. I became a sexual deviant secretly to be honest and though about everything sexually. I would look at all females as sexual objects however I was never creepy and or brutish. I am a very kind person. I was great student athlete, teachers loved me. I was always very likable and had many friends that for the most part were female because i was so nice. This proved to be "beneficial" from high school- college and my career in the military but when i was not hooking up with my friends i had porn and masturbation. Let me say I am not some hunky dude or some guy with a lot of swag or game but for some reason many of the women that i dated or hooked up with were decent and extremely sexually aware and slightly nympho ( This is not a joke please don't think so). This is odd as none of my porn watching/sexual desire were ever discussed with any of them except for my first girlfriend who was actually like me i found out. We dated from 8-12 grade for the most part did a lot of sexual acts that should not have happened so early in life. Any how my life has been full of nothing but sexual desires, porn, strip clubs and friends with benefits till I met my wife and gave my life to God the second time. Before i go further i am pretty sure that this is not a religious site but I am a Christian and i can say that God has never failed me but i have failed him many times. I just want to be better than I am for God and my Wife.DONE... My wife has a low-self esteem but is beautiful...She is a personal trainer and is actually fit.I have never told my wife about this addiction however she has caught me checking out a woman ONCE and it was sooooo destructive that I cant imagine what it would do to her if I told her this. She grew up very different from me and was sheltered, was told to not watch rated R movies and never partied and all that stuff. Quite honestly she was sexually vanilla but over the years have gotten to Neapolitan. i wish I could say that all it is is that I wanted to live out porn fantasies but unfortunately, as mentioned, I have also lived out slightly pornograhic realities with actual partners. I would NEVER physically cheat on my wife however virtually I have over and over again. PLEASE HELP!!!!! We do not have children but if we do I don't want to pass this on.... This feels like I was rambling but just writing this has made me feel so much lighter. I can only imagine whats to come. I really appreciate your time .

 

Truly appreciate it my friend!Thanks for taking the time out to send this message.
Cheers

 

Hey Aroc. I am also new to this forum and share a somewhat similar experience having been introduced to Porn (P) in my mid teens. I was raised in a Christian household but similarly had my initial introduction to overtly sexual content through R rated movies. Without going into too much backstory, I wanted to share some of my observations with you as it relates to your walk with God. In 2013 when I got saved I was radically delivered of my P addiction.. and i mean radically. I was in my room alone when I felt this unclean spirit leave my body one morning. NO ONE can ever convince me that was not God... because the day before I had been masturbating (M) to P when I heard the still small voice ask me "'Gav5', What are you doing?". I literally stood there for about three minutes trying to figure out if that was me or not. Then the next day that happened. Fast forward to now,.. even thought I have not relapsed back into P and never have had any real temptations to do so since that time... I am here because my M addiction has been slowly creeping back through triggers found on Youtube. As a Christian I decided to cut off - the "hand that offends" and I recommend you do the same. For example... I quit my gym membership because I decided it was just way too unsafe for me knowing my problem with lust. I am a pretty in shape guy and have been a gym goer since my late teens. I decided if I need to work out at home then I will do that. But I digress... The point is I've often prayed for God to release me of the desires and I slowly found myself being attracted to more and more perverse things. Growing up I had NEVER had any form of fetishes and used to look down on persons who did... but now that I and free of hardcore P I found myself being gravitated to more and more outlandish things and again (not involving nakedness since I know that is a sin). Ive been asking through prayer for God to reveal the source of these things. Where I am right now I am learning that these deeper issues are related to past traumas and hurts in my life. For me... even though I was 'popular' and a lot of people liked me, I still had a lot of feeling of hurt due to past and what I perceive as ongoing rejection. I have to say that what I found in the charismatic church was also very disappointing because instead of people being open I found most were just willing to pretend and no one was sharing their struggles. This after being involved in a mens group for oner a year. I debated long and hard whether it was the right thing to do to join this platform and only did so after seeing that other Christians were here. My Brother, you have done the right thing. As we confess our faults our burdens are lifted. I know I felt an IMMEDIATE release when I felt the love and acceptance I have seen shown here. Even though unbelievers would not term it this way... there is a spiritual principle involved here. The devil has used shame and condemnation to keep so many of us in bondage for years and decades. It is truly refreshing to see this platform where people can be open with their challenges and fears ... particularly as they expose the hurts shrouded in the darkness. Whatever makes manifest... is Light. May God heal you and reveal to you all the sources of your pain. As you circle the walls of your Jericho, may the cracks and seams grown in the walls till they day they shall tumble down. Blessings... in the matchless name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

 

Gav5 I cannot tell you how you blessed me right now. To take the time to share this is amazing. When i was growing up there were a lot traumatic events that I guess left me in a very lonely state and during that time I found ways to make myself feel better without even realizing the long term negative effects that P and M would have on my life. I think I understand your struggles now with M. I feel like I cant leave my home without temptations everywhere i look. Its as if you have to wear horse blinders or constantly stare at the ground or sky. The devil has kept me in the dark for far too long and it time to be free of these chains. Again i appreciate your words and I pray that you remain strong in your walk with the Lord and that he gives you the strength to keep pressing on and fighting your battles till they are won. He delivered me from a tobacco addiction so i know he is able to get me through this as well.

 

Be blessed. Together we are stronger. .