What's your worst experience with porn?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by vulture175, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. VK2019

    VK2019 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the writing your opinion.
    I agree that they existed long before porn, it's just my opinion.

    I love research in general, you made me realize that I don't have all sides of the "story" if you will. Will sure check it out as I'm a curious person, but I still hold my opinion on porn. It's very common among serial killers. Again, it's not only P that makes them it's also extremely traumatic events and a very, very bad childhood.
     
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  2. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    This and worse. My explorations on deep web gore sites didn't end well. I lost faith in humanity basically.
     
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  3. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    Oh where to start? Well let's begin by saying i have been an addict for 13 years before i decided to seek help about it last year with a therapist. Before that i've had plenty of bad episodes, so telling which the worst one of all is could be a bit difficult. However i will mention two things which happened to me last year regarding PMO which made me realize i seriously needed help before my life sunk to the abyss.

    1) At the start of the year i had acquired the habit of turning on my computer first thing in the morning so i could either go on social media or like i usually did search for the PMO material i made use of. Back then i had recently acquired the responsibility of opening my workplace and as you can already tell, doing that in the morning consumed time, i said to myself it'd only be five minutes but that turned into more and as a result i begun to arrive to work late so this landed me into a lot of trouble with my boss and was called out nastily for it.

    2) I watched what you could call a regular video for PMO purposes in one of the most known sites for that on the internet one day and i won't go into detail into what happened there as to avoid potential triggerings, but all i am going to say it was homemade and there came a point in which the girl was clearly not enjoying it anymore and in fact clearly in a lot of pain, yes...... i PMO'd to that. It was here i realized i felt geniunely disgusted, that i was beggining to realize how much i was starting to lose my humanity finding excitement and joy in the suffering of others. I came to understand how far i had gone as an addict, and that if left unchecked this could escalate to gradually messier stuff so i had to do something about it.

    It was these two things which led me to seek help and i've been seeing a therapist since last year. I've been fighting really hard, and at times like these days it doesn't get any easier. Oh and also i forgot to mention i've been into the whole waifu culture thing, in fact that is where most of my PMO consumption went to instead of regular porn which i only used from time to time.

    Anyway that would be it.
     
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  4. Homelander

    Homelander Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you also suffered enough from this terrible porn addiction.

    Can I ask you how the therapy sessions are helping you and what unique thing you get from this person in order for you to stay fully commited to the no pmo streak?

    I'm still concidering seeking proffesional help but since I started this no pmo streak and had so much help from you guys. I feel no therapist can truelly help me. Unless the therapist also suffered from porn addiction otherwise he doesnt has a fucking clue what he is dealing with.

    I have had zero urges to watch porn again, but still have a hard time not to masturbate. I feel no libido at this moment and constant feel the need to test if my dick is still working.
    But compared to the past 28 porn years I'm doing very well.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2019
  5. Der Drachenkönig

    Der Drachenkönig Fapstronaut

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    I sure have, and it's been a long and tough journey.
    Well about the therapy sessions. I started with them in May last year, so it's been over a year and needless to say that i have indeed seen many improvements if we compare how things were when i first began the process. The therapist i'm seeing is a really good one, who for starters does not judge me and has helped a lot during this process. The thing to note here is i originally went for help because of my PMO addiction, but as time went on we covered deeper, darker and messier issues with my own person. Facing these issues terrified me at first, because they involved polarized thinking, depression, anxiety, panic/anxiety attacks and so on, but i knew i had to do my part because these things were heavily linked with my addiction, not to mention they were also linked to health problems (intestine ulcers, gastritis, reflux which had caused some damage, etc. all at the same time). However scary as this may have been, was highly benefitial, because i was prompted to face these problems head on instead of using porn as a means of escape from my reality. This has helped me both with my addiction and in being a better human.

    The good thing about the therapist i'm seeing is she has a vast understanding about addictions, trust me this can be a real game changer. I had to do an extensive research on who to see, and i'm truly glad i made this choice.

    A lot has improved, for example one of the things which had pushed me to my previous lifestyle was i was desperate for a significant other, and even went deep into the waifu culture thing. As of now while i don't hate the idea i do not view it as necessary in my life or a big deal like i used to, a great amount of emotional independence was reached. However the process is far from finished, as urges come at times and there are still issues to tackle but that would be another story. It's been 13 years of addiction, and the damages and effects will not disappear overnight, much has been achieved in a bit more than a year but there are still a lot of things to do. Qualified therapists help a lot but you must do your part in this fight, and most especially be patient and forgiving with yourself. Mistakes are to be learned from and move forward, not dwell on them. Also don't expect changes overnight, worthwhile things in life take time and effort.
     
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  6. JC_ALCO

    JC_ALCO Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your stories. Best wishes to all!
     
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  7. TigerKing

    TigerKing Fapstronaut

    For me, it was this past year or two. I discovered the hookup community, and just how much amateur and homemade porn there was of real people having real FWBs and threesomes. It made feel inadequate and jealous. It still does, really. It resulted in a severe depression for me. At one point I was so depressed I couldn't move. Worst part was, this was happening during law school finals. I almost failed. Probably should have and would have if it wasn't for grading curves.

    So, I decided to get back into NoFap for these finals and the Bar Exam. I can't risk porn doing that to me again.
     
  8. 47Vision

    47Vision Fapstronaut

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    I didn't think I'd tell this story to anyone but maybe a therapist or a future wife after being married for like two decades but I feel like if there ever was a place for it to help anything or anyone, it'd be here, so... Fuckit. Last year I had moved to a different state and started working a new job. A coworker of mine I didn't know super well got in some trouble and ended up kicked out of his house with nowhere to go. I let him set up shop in my living room and we became fairly good friends. We both had a lot of deep-seeded issues and understanding of pain in our own ways and had respected each other for it. And we both liked drink and drug. However we came from super different places in life and were different people and it was obvious after a while we weren't gonna be able to keep living together.

    About a month before I was to move out to a fifth wheel in the country to find some peace and figure out my next step in life, I had started seeing a therapist and opened up about a lot of my bullshit, including porn addiction and the ravaging guilt it's left me with. About a year and a half ago now, when my porn addiction was at its worst, I had drifted into the "teen" section of pornhub, as well as into some pretty rough stuff, for a few months. By the time I was seeing this therapist, I was back to watching very vanilla porn because I was feeling so twisted deep down, but I hadn't mentally confronted myself about what a sick man I really felt like I was. Talking with someone for the first time in my life about this really did open the conscious floodgates so to speak, and I was really quarreling with myself as to whether I was just another sick, evil man deep down, like every gotdamn male hero is turning out to be nowadays. Now here's where the shit turned into a full fledged nightmare.

    I ended up blowing a .084 and having my license suspended a few weeks before moving out to this fifth wheel in the country. Even though I would be biking five miles one way to work every day as it was a three month suspension, I still decided moving to the country alone was gonna be the best move to make the inner changes I needed to make in my life. So a couple weeks before moving, I decided I'd only yerk off to pictures and by the time I got to the fifth wheel, I'd be done with the porn stuff, and drinking as well. I ended up googling some sexy images, "big tt's" and the like, and in scrolling through, I noticed that some of the pics of girls were uncomfortably young... When I was just getting off to whatever on pornhub, in my head porn was porn was porn and I assumed everything was legal and consensual and all that, and I guess never really thought about it too much. But now that I was paying attention, it freaked me the fuck out, seeing that my brain had started to sexualize younger girls, even if they were "of age", I'm a 26 year old man and shouldn't be looking at even an 18 year old girl that way in my opinion, especially in pornos.

    Well, I ended up almost subconsciously bringing up to my roommate this dad of a friend growing up who a few years ago was arrested for kid porn stuff. I remember saying to my roommate how it was so fucked because he had seemed like such a good guy. It was like subconsciously I was having this fuckin battle with myself, wondering if I was some sick creep deep down, because although I do have my issues with porn, drink and drugs, I'm a really kind, loving dude to people, and until then have kept these crutches private and non-intrusive to others' lives. I also ended up talking to him about how fucked up I felt from the shit I've got off too on the old pornhub and, well, this buddy of mine started to think some dark shit about me. In some fucked up way I know deep down he was wondering if I was some kinda secret creep or something.

    I remember the first night I went back to visit him in the old apt, we got pretty hammered, and I remember him saying, fairly randomly, something like "pedophiles and predators need to die". It was completely fucked up enough having to live out in the country alone with myself as I confronted the fact that deep down I felt like a perv with all the damn porn stuff, and a real selfish coward with the way I've drank and drugged away my feelings instead of working through them. And on top of that, the only closer friend I had in this new state was a fairly unstable dude who was on the low thinking I might be some kinda monster. And not to mention all this fucked-up shit about the Jeffrey Epstein guy was coming out around this time too and... Yeesus Mary and Joseph.

    I've had some issues in the past with self-harm and suicidal ideation, and shit got full-blown as time went on with all this stuff weighing on me. It got to the point where I was walking on the roof of the five story building I worked at, as well as researching lethal doses of household chemicals and things like that... Just knowing that checking out is possible is sometimes calming enough to settle ya down and come back to some fucking sense. But it was getting really bad inside my head and I knew it and at the time I would have checked into a treatment or mental joint but I knew it would mean possibly losing my job as well as not getting my driver's license back after the suspension, which would have been hell for my family five states away to help me work out, on top of all the emotional damage I might cause close friends and family if I were to check myself into some place, as I had not ever really opened up to anyone about my deeply fucked issues. My parents have already lost my sister, and at the end of the day the thought of them having to bury their only other kid has always brought me out my self-involved bullshit and back to reality. So I decided I needed to move back home near family and friends and do everything I could short of hospitals and treatment centers to fix myself.

    If you've read this far I want to make sure you know that things are okay now. I ended up getting a couple visits from my best friend from growing up and from my mom while at the fifth wheel, along with randomly meeting and having a lotta fun with a girl I met in the building I worked at before my court stuff was worked out for the dui charge. It ended up dropping to negligent driving as long as I did some (much needed) group counseling for substance abuse and attending aa meetings, which I moved back home and started doing this past september. I also ended up talking with that old roommate of mine about my bullshit, as much as I could anyway, and we are cool. I'm also getting back in school for the coming spring semester and am looking forward to putting in another year and a half toward for bachelors degree.

    Shit's still tough as fuck and I have an iceburg of unaddressed issues to work through yet, but I'm feeling real, stable hope for the first time in a long long time and it's really good stuff. That's my horror story for the evening lol, and shit... Porn had a lot to do with it, and I really hope others don't have to go through such a nightmarish mind-fuck to get their life on the right track but if you are going through a deep dark time right now... Well, you're not alone, not in the least, and although I'm sure it never gets good forever, I'm positive that things do get better. Patience and time, and a slow and steady lean forward... And some healthy amount of Faith in the shit you can't see. Thanks for listening to my story, I wish everyone buckets of luck on here.
     
  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    @47Vision hang in here bro. I enjoyed reading your story. It is so great you can share it. Hey— I am curious too- what was it like for your mind and reset living in the country? Did you embrace it or struggle the same when you changed your scenery and surroundings ?
     
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  10. 47Vision

    47Vision Fapstronaut

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    @need4realchg hey, thank you. I grew up on 40 acres so the woods is home to me haha, so it was swell to be out of the city and all, that forested solitude always provides a wealth of internal spaciousness too which would have been a prime thing for me if I wasn't working through my first full-on mental breakdown lol. So it wasn't the best timing, but yeesus, if you're looking for a mirror for your soul, I def recommend moving to the country for a spell!
     
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  11. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. I have 40 acres in Baja and honestly I have been thinking about doing this for a while. Can I ask how did you mind the access or lack of access to Internet ?
     
  12. Saurav04

    Saurav04 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah it used to happen like this, I can feel that
     
  13. EmanuelLimas

    EmanuelLimas Fapstronaut

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    I can see myself in a lot of your experiences and it reminded me of how awful my addiction was. I've been PMO-free for two years and even now my mind still tricks me into believing that acting out is a good idea. It isn't.

    My worst experience was sexting a stranger at work and setting up a meeting during lunch to have sex. The guy followed me into the bathroom and tried to grab me and I got scared since I'd never done anything like that before and I realized that I did not want to cross that line. I told him to stop and he refused to let me leave. I was terrified and pushed him out of the way. Once I got out all I wanted to do was go home and cry, but I was in public and I had to get back to work. I spent the rest of the day wanting nothing more than to die, because I didn't know how to handle almost being assaulted, or the self hatred I felt for causing the situation, all while pretending to be ok on the outside.

    Hopefully someone else can read this and know they aren't alone.
     
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  14. 47Vision

    47Vision Fapstronaut

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    @need4realchg ohhh man I'm so damn jealous, that sounds heavenly. Well for me, I can't control myself with the damn internet, I don't even want to think about all the life I've wasted on pornhub and youtube and netflix... So removing it for a while was incredibly painful, but it was really really good for me, as I finally began to catch up with myself in a way... And after spending a few weeks basically just working and sleeping, I started doing stuff again but it was like things I actually wanted to be doing, like reading and writing and walking and playing the guitar, so yeah... Besides this site, a few podcasters and the occasional meaningful email... Fuck the internet! Lol
     
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  15. SPW69002

    SPW69002 Fapstronaut

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    My worst experience - turned out to actually be a good one, because it changed my life. My porn addiction, which had really ramped up over the last year, led me to cross some line to where I was living deeper and deeper into some crazy delusional fantasy world. I was consciously aware of the dangers and realities that lurked, but compulsively plowed ahead into more and more porn, then to sex-fueled IM sessions with strangers on Instagram, and then to hiring escorts on a couple of occasions (where I was ironically unable to function due to PIED) - hiding all of this from my loving wife, and getting deeper and deeper into shame and self-loathing - but unable to stop.

    My world came crashing down just 5 weeks ago when a woman I had been sexting with decided I wasn't paying enough attention to her, and forwarded all of the embarrassing texts and videos to my 19 year-old daughter and my wife. Needless to say, the shit hit the fan in a major way.

    I nearly lost my wife, and it's still not a 100% lock that we'll make it, but I believe in my heart that we will. My daughter still will not speak to me. I was shocked back into reality with a massive force. I immediately started therapy, and am learning to turn my life around. I joined this forum, which has been a major help. I no longer identify with the porn addiction, and know without a doubt that I will never watch porn again. I am awakening a new, better person within me, finding the kindness, working through the social anxiety I've always had, and striving toward a life of honesty, integrity and authenticity. It's a process.

    Ultimately - getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was brutally painful, but ultimately I am so glad it happened...
     
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  16. TigerKing

    TigerKing Fapstronaut

    Dude. That is scary how close I was to all that happening to me, too. Porn lead me to sexting, too. And like you, I'm married, too. It really messed me up (as I detailed above).
     
  17. Ogikubo

    Ogikubo Fapstronaut

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    That is a hell of a story. I have never been involved in sexting, but it really sounds like playing with fire. I mean, it takes two to tango, but what psycho she was. But as you say, it turned your life around. Sometimes the worst turns out to become the best. Onward with your recovery.
     
  18. Ogikubo

    Ogikubo Fapstronaut

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    My worst incident was years ago. It scared the shit out of me and made me ponder suicide, briefly. But it was in the days before nofap, and I was such a bonehead I didn't realize it was a wake up call to quit.
    I am a high school teacher. In the early 2000s, when we still used floppy disks, a kid asked if I had an extra one. I gave one to him. A few minutes later, he seemed upset and asked if he could leave. After school, I got a call from his dad. Did I know, he asked, that there were porn pics on that disk? I played the shocked teacher and had a good alibi and said I was sure I knew who the culprits were and boy oh boy I'd be having a word with them. Of course, we all know who put the pictures on the disk. They weren't even that dirty, just kind of suggestive, but I felt like if it were pursued I would lose my job. My wife, who already had a hunch I wasn't reading National Geographic while on the internet, didn't say anything when I told her my polished version of the story. I am sure she suspected I was lying. I remember driving down the highway, thinking, my life is over, I should just undo my seatbelt and send the car off a bridge. I prayed like crazy too. Well, you would have thought I had learned. I didn't. It took me until 2019 to finally look in the mirror and get myself to wake up. I have lost years and years to this piece of shit addiction. Guys, work your asses off to quit PMOing. It will eat your soul. I was given the chance to learn my lesson years ago, but I blew it, look at me now. Quit now!
     
  19. Ogikubo

    Ogikubo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your story. You are very insightful and brave. I just want to add that I was seeing a therapist for years and I never, ever got around to talking about my PMO addiction until early 2019. It was very difficult, but I had to do it. It's not like she was surprised. I am lucky as my psychologist is very intelligent, professional, and of course does not judge or tell me what to do. When we open up about porn, it quickly goes beyond porn, and suddenly you discussing things and people you'd never given much thought to before. At least that is how is has been for me. Will power alone would never have worked for me and I wish more guys would take the step.
     
  20. Arnuld

    Arnuld Fapstronaut

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    I started seeing a therapist who specializes in sex addiction almost two years ago. It has been life changing. I strongly recommend this for anyone struggling with this addiction.
     
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