When did porn start to be negative for you, the SO?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Kenzi, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I've been thinking about this recently and I wonder....
    What made you think that porn was negative?
    Was it high school?
    Was it catching your husband watching so much of it?
    Was it something a parent said?
    A church lesson?
    What influenced this for you growing into the person you are today?
    Thank you
    -Kenzi
     
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  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I never had a real problem with it in realistic terms, and maybe that’s because always hearing how normal it was. Mostly porn was more of joke growing up.

    Keep in mind for me this was way before internet, just mags and movies, even cable was limited. I grew up with moderation being the normal, I guess that made me naive with the progressive internet in many ways. In our home there was 1 picture of a topless lady in my dads garage workshop. No mags and certainly didn’t have movies. We had no cable or a VCR growing up. My parents wanted us to use our imaginations and spend time outside with friends, no real media in the house, TV was very limited, we always had music going though. We had a tv but it was old school where half the channels couldn’t come through without someone on roof adjusting the antenna. I was probably 10-11 before we had basic cable for the first time.
    I never had any real exposure myself and it was never something I was ever curious about or had a desire for. It never really did anything for me. I would rather experience RL over fantasy.
    I always had visions of porn being bad in the context of sleazy shops and such, probably from Hollywood depictions in movies from the 80’s. We didn’t even have computers in the house until well after my sister and we’re out of the house.
    My mom had talked about porn and how it can be ok between partners when I got older. She is also open minded, never went out of her way to seek it but as long as it was something in moderation and shared between her and her SO it’s can ok.
    I guess I adopted that mentality from her.
    My mom was also lied to by my “stepfather” and her long term partner after him. She would rather be single and will not have porn in her life either at this point too.

    I would ask my husband to share porn with me, be honest with me about it, maybe we can explore together but he shut me out. He truly had an affair with porn and now I see all dangerous effects of it. I don’t anything to do with it, have it in my house, in my life. I truly feel like porn is the other women.

    Edit to clarify, moderation in my mind was every great now again, maybe once in a few months kinda thing. That’s what I thought was a healthy normal using.
    I was certainly very wrong.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2018
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    When I was a very little kid, I googled sex, and I felt so guilty I told my mom what came up, and she told me to NEVER to that again. I thought I was the worst kid in the world for being curious, and I never googled anything like that again, and the only time I watched porn was after a rape to make what happened to me okay, I mean porn is very degrading to the women and abusive, and so I watched that for a week or two to feel better about what happened to me and figured it was normal. But I was single mind you.

    Before one of my bf's I didn't think guys watched porn, at least not normal guys, I thought that was a juvenile thing. So when that bf said he was a porn addict I thought he was kidding... I didn't take it seriously but it definitely affected the relationship negatively. I always never wanted porn in a relationship due to anorexia. I never thought a person was immoral for watching or anything like that, more of it was a singles thing or something a kid looks at out of curiosity and moves on with their life. I think my view on porn has always been that it was morally wrong for me or girls or something because of my mothers reaction to it. And I always want to live up to my parents standards and be "good enough" for their love so i never looked it up after that.
     
  4. AliceIce

    AliceIce Fapstronaut

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    I never had an negative issue with P, until reading up on his addiction. If his addiction didn't include affairs and real people, I don't think the P would be as hurtful as it is now. Now it causes the same hurt to surface every time.
     
  5. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    I never liked porn, it was something that was always weird and not pleasant to me. I could not imagine why someone would watch other people do it when they could do it themselves or just use imagination if they had no partner. I really cannot understand why would you look at a guy pounding a fake girl acting on a specific scenario, I really don't see how I could be turned on by fake moans, fake expressions and fake orgasms in a situation very improbable for the real life. I was always more turned on by a simple make out for example seen in the movie than with pornographic images. The other reasons I really dislike it is my partner's "love" for it, but also the fact that I worked on the Human Trafficking project, and I volunteer for an organisation that helps victims of crime at the present moment. The Human Trafficking project I worked on showed me the crude realty of the porn industry, and the present volunteering engagement brings me into contact with people victims of sexual abuse, assaults and everything you can imagine, many of those things connected with compulsive use of pornography. Disliking porn is not a question of morality for me, or me being prude, because I can assure you I have nothing of prude when sex is concerned. It is just that so much is wrong with it that I cannot really bring my self to even look at it.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2018
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I never thought much about it honestly. I have seen some, more out of curiosity. It does nothing for me. Why watch others having sex instead of doing it yourself. Maybe if you're single, but still you can M without P. Reading around the forums it seems many people think you have to have the two together. When I would M it was about the feeling, not some fantasy. My problem with it really started after my BF made a promise (that I never asked for, it was his idea) and then broke it. I tried to get over it but it was eating me up. So I talked to him about it, told him it made me uncomfortable and he said no problem. He wouldn't do it anymore. As my feeling for him grew the thought of fantasizing about fucking other people and getting off to them hurt. To me that is not something you do in a loving committed relationship. I know that it works for some people but not me, it doesn't make sense to me. Plus I never turned him down for sex so it was never lacking. I am up for trying almost anything.
    My family didn't really talked about sex and never about porn, I'm not religious and have never been to church. I had no feelings, negative or positive about it before all this. Now I hate it. I hate everything about it. It is a sick industry IMO. It exploits the people that are in it and breaks people/relationships. That said I know people can and do watch without issues. But it is not for me, I don't want it in my life ever again. It has caused too much pain.
     
  7. Can't believe I missed this one. My dad was into porn and he was deviant in general, so it gave me the creeps growing up. But I didn't even put that much effort into it, I didn't see it as negative really - I was just indifferent to it.
    However, now it's destroyed/saved me from a future marriage, I am starting to hate it. Because now it says, "You're not enough, not even to start with when it was new and exciting. This is what he chose, again and again, and again.."
    I hate it because I now have to tell my innocent 14yr old daughter who dotes on him and is expecting a wedding coming up, "Sorry darling, we're moving again and Mum's splitting up with X". And then minimising his part so she is as blissfully unaware as I can manipulate it, and so she doesn't hate him. I hate it because we'd looked at venues, registry office, guest lists etc. I hate it because he swapped all that for porn. I hate it that the addiction made him do that because I loved him so much.
    I hate it because it took my man.
    I hate it because I feel sorry for the paid P "stars". The ones only doing it for £.
    I hate it because spending 6 hrs a day on top of a full time job learning about this shit and my own recovery has not changed a thing.
    I hate it because I know that the first night I leave, he will be straight back to porn and when he finishes, he'll realise he's alone. Even he deserves better.

    I didn't used to hate it. Funny that X
     
  8. Evolve1973

    Evolve1973 Fapstronaut

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    It became negative for me from the birth of the internet. I was around when it all happened, before google. 1997 I got a computer and the internet.... its become since then a normal way of life... but its not normal at all, to be looking at porn daily
     
  9. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    the day i found out how much of an issue it was for him. i thought he was doing so well, but he wasn't...
     
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  10. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    It wasn't a problem for a long time I worked in the business. That's what it is a business. It became a problem when I started seeing young girls being exploited by the business. Were they 18+ yes, but still exploited horribly. I didn't think that any of this would ever play out into my personal life (porn) . My husband knew all about the workings of porn and how stupid and fake it is so did I expect HIM to become a PA? NEVER!!!
    Joke was on me.
    I quit the business completely Many many years ago, wrote several articles on how dangerous the business is gave interviews, etc. Yet all the while he was living his double life.
    He has done very well in his recovery thus far and I am happy for that but I will always hate porn.
     
  11. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    Okay, so I know I’m about a month late to this, but I’ve been thinking on this for a while.

    I hate to admit it but... I think I’ve become addicted to. For a reason different than his reason, I should add.

    I frequently watch over and over all he’s chosen over me and all similar to them. I study them. I want to be them. It’s starting to consume my life as well to the point where he’s begging me to stop. But I feel that without it I am nothing. It sucks.
     
  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    You don't want to be like them, it will not make anything better. You are special for who you are, the good and bad. That makes you, you. I've watched some of what my bf had watched, I had to stop myself because all I was doing was hurting me. Sometimes I wanted to hurt myself just to feel something.
    There is another woman here that has become a PA doing what you are doing now. I can not recall her name but I do see her around sometimes. Please stop now, for yourself. Stop before you find yourself in too deep. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me.
     
  13. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    Okay first of all I've never quoted anything on any forum before ever so I hope I did that right, lol.

    Can you elaborate on that? Maybe I'm just stupid or something, but... preserve what? I too am just as capable of doing anything that he has seen and has been into as a result. It's seems so fruitless to waste time watching shit you don't want to do. So unnecessary. And that is why I feel so compelled to morph. Because it feels to me like all that effort he put into avoiding interaction with me was for a reason. Looking outside of a relationship isn't something that accidentally happens. It's a choice and a series of choices that he knew he was making over and over again, knowing the implications, the weight, and the impending consequences. And yet still found it enticing enough. Which means to me that I need to do something to remedy that or I'll just keep being nothing.

    Typing it out feels weird because looking at the words visually doesn't make logical sense but when I think these things with my emotions entangled all around these thoughts it seems there isn't much of another course of action to take. I dunno. Gah.
     
  14. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    What you're trying to do can't work. So much of the appeal is the endless novelty. No matter what you do, you can never match that. It's impossible, you are only one person.

    That's why it's not about you. If you were perfect, it still wouldn't be enough.

    You need to help him to want to stop. That's done by setting boundaries, not by indulging his habit.

    The other SOs here are far better at giving advice, so I'm going to shut up now. @Kenzi @Jennica @Jagliana - this lady needs you.
     
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  15. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    It was always a problem for me, I just didn't know it.

    Even when I was with the most beautiful woman I've ever had (everybody else commented on how beautiful she was) - I wanted more.

    It gave me DE from a very young age. I missed a lot of orgasms I should have had with women.

    It sometimes made me unable to have intercourse with a condom - in my 30s.

    I never got it. Not until very recently, when it finally gave me PIED. Now I can look back and see the wreckage.


    ETA: I just now realized that this was directed at SOs. Oops.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2018
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    The LAST thing you need to do is try and be like anyone but who you are, to please someone else or to try and imitate your idea of what you think will make HIM happy. While only hurting yourself in the long run.

    If you want to be a porn star, for you - then by all means. Do you.

    If you want to "be" like a porn star to keep him interested, that's a horrible idea. 1) You'll only end up destroying your self-worth further and 2) PA's move on to the 'next' type of 'porn' at the drop of a hat, so what, you plan on spending the rest of your life changing yourself, just for HIS pleasure?

    If he has chosen porn over you, so be it. He won't change until HE himself is ready to do it, for himself. Ignore him and concentrate on healing yourself right now.

    You have the option to CHOSE yourself. You chose YOU and don't change yourself to fit into his world if he wants to be apart of your world, he has to make changes to stay there.
     
  17. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    Well. I just went through my social media and things and such and removed things. Signed up for accountability as well. If he's doing it and he's asked me to join him too, hand-in-hand, then I'll do it. He wants porn out of our relationship entirely so... I will honor that. As much as it leaves an empty hole in me.

    I feel like I'm now blind. Like I'm clueless. Useless. Everything I know about how to do anything sexual has been from porn because that's... the only source if you want to know how to please men the way they all want it. Cuz that's their source so why go anywhere else. Lol I just cried about this to him. He got upset with me. I mean, I'm not really wrong in saying that as far as I know, right now at least. And so for me to have completely cut myself off from the only thing making me worth his sexual attention is to ruin the relationship. At least that's what it feels like to me and why I just feel so sad and heavy right now. Idk. So much for making myself better.
     
  18. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    @naonaise - just make sure he stays stopped. PAs are sneaky.
     
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  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ok.
    Stop
    Hold the phone
    Porn is NOT THE ONLY THING MAKING YOU WORTH SEX in the relationship.
    (I hope you read this ten times)
    Understand me.
    There is 100 floppity jillion ways to learn About sex, other than from porn.
    If you think the Only way Is from Porn....
    You are learning wrong.
    Sorry, but it's true.
    And it's why alot of people are here.
    So don't feel bad.
     
  20. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

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    Until DDAY(22nd of April 2017) porn was something like yeah, old and creepy loosers or horny teenagers or just peps that can't be in normal sexual relationship for reasons. I was 44 when I suddenly discovered that Planet Earth is Not Flat. I was so stupid naive ignorant. So everything I lerned(thank you Nofap community ❤) after DDay it was like watching Discovery Channel 24/24 hrs. Before DDAY I was living in a fairy tale. I was in relationship with the most honest, intelligent, gentle, sensitive ,wonderful man in the whole fucking universe. He made me believe that I'm the most beautiful woman he ever met ( with make up and with out )I'm inteligent and funny and I'm his best friend. Body and fucking Soul. Blah blah blah .But his body didn't reacted in the way my previous partners body did reacted to my body. The explanation was stress, depression, insomnia, anxiety, age(46) and arguments we had about him being jealous( there wasn't rational reason ).I bought this bullshit and was very sympathetic. But I always felt that there is something wrong. Sure I was ignorant in this matter and never experienced anything like that before him.(even in my 10 years shity marriage) He couldn't get orgasm from my vagina, mouth or even hand. He needed use his own hand to get off.Often he got soft during sex.His eyes were always closed. There was other issues like his bad temper, paranoid jealousy, nervousness reactions inadequate to the situations. We are not together since beginnig of June 2017.He blamed me and still does for overacting and not behave like adult, unsupportive, suicidal (I over dosed ) be crazy (yes I was I ended up in psychiatric hospital twice bc ptsd and bt) not be a good mother (I couldn’t cope ).etc. etc.He strongly insisted that he is not addicted to the porn. It was like a hobby, dopamine rush , stress /anxiety relief just like. ..you know. Just porn.
     

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