When he says he doesn't want to stop...

If he doesn’t want to stop then he won’t. Even the ones who desperately want to stop have a very hard time. Yes, his addiction predates you.... Most get addicted quite young. It’s easy to access and easy to hide and free. Some really want to quit, most just get better at hiding it and lying until they hit rock bottom. Some really want to be free and still can’t. It’s very discouraging. The best thing you can do is focus on you, then your kids. Set boundaries, then let him sink or swim. A good csat can help you with all of that. Decide what you need in order to stay in the relationship. Understand that this addiction has had an impact on you as well and has damaged your brain too. If you don’t know what betrayal trauma is, research it. There is help out there. I’m sorry your going through this.

 

Yeah he is denying. He probably thinks it is his special and fun thing. This is a lie he tells himself to see his addiction as a hobby rather than the destructive habit that it really is. It is quite pathetic really, but I understand why he does it. Same as me with my old porn addiction. The rush and dopamine and especially the 'realness' of cams can be a huge dopamine boost. I had the same with looking at escort profiles to get a more realistic feeling for that rush. It really does sound like his habit is really old. If he gets this hesitant to even talk about it, he senses that he might lose this 'fun time' and his addicted brain does not like that thought for one bit. So he will convince himself this is his way of self-love or whatever stupid story he tells himself. I may be very blunt, but problems like these deserve the full truth and intention. I refuse to sugarcoat destructive addictions.

The very first step is getting him to learn more about his addiction. He has to learn this so he can understand why he needs to quit. You can not convince him. He needs to learn first, so he can convince himself that he needs to stop. It will be futile to try to convince him with words how to stop his habit. He will see it as you trying to take something away from him. But if you can find a way in which he can get educated in his habits, he can convince himself through this new knowledge that he needs to stop. That is how I started NoFap. I read a lot of posts of guys who had Porn problems too and after I read the rewards of NoFap, I easily convinced myself to stop.

I do hope you don't have a stubborn husband. If he is, it will take time and effort. Make sure you supply him then many different sources and people that confirm he is out of control with his habits. If he only hears concerns from you, he will suspect you. Addicts really have fucked up thoughts. So make sure you show him accounts of people like me and whoever you can find as this will force his intelligent human mind to realize your concerns are not just the words of a disappointed wife trying to take his little playtime away from him. Because that is what it might sound like to him if he only hears concerns from your end.

Best of luck. It will help to bring this about slowly. Try not to stress his addicted brain to fast or it will hit the brakes hard and pull up all the blockades. This operation will take time.

 

Although I agree with much of what you say here, you are putting a lot on her. Addicts do have f up thinking. However, it is not her job to convince him that he is an addict. It is also not in her best interest to take it slow or to not try and stress him out. It is in her best interest to take care of herself. This is going to totally stress him out. Especially if she has been a caretaker to him for most of their relationship. If she brings this about “ slowly” she’s going to wake up 10 years later to possibly find she has an std because he escalated to escorts from cramming. That’s the reality of this addiction. Not all escalate to this level, but many do. They are not 20 somethings, he has been an addict a long time.

 

I get your point, but stuff like this can do harm to a relationship if done uncareful. Especially when dealing with addicts. I have a friend who is addicted to weed and alcohol and nothing worked for 4 years until I used the advice I gave above. In the end, only she can decide. We don't know their exact situation. Maybe he will be open to it. We don't know.
The possible danger though with moving fast is that it could really stress him out and make him do or say crazy things. He has been an addict for a long time so he probably won't do anything drastic any time soon man... If he was that type of guy, he would have done that a long time ago. That doesn't mean he wont progress eventually, but that time might be far in the future or it might never come since it has just been this habit for a long time like we presume. I never really progressed with my porn use as well.

And it is true that it is not up to her to convince him. I didn't say that. The thing is, if she wants to help him get out of this addiction, she will probably have to be the instigator. I mean, who else. He is not going to quit on his own. So if she won't kickstart the engine, who will? She has to decide what she wants. They are in a relationship, so it is actually part of her job to look for THEIR best interests. His problems will leak to be HER problems as she is writing us now. Ignoring it or giving up control would be harmful to herself too. There could actually be real progress made if she would tell him how this addictions makes her feel. This way, she is not attacking him directly and this can stimulate his love and care for her and put the wheels of understanding in motion. But this has to be done slowly and cautiously, because if done too directly and fast, it will open up all the brakes and he might close off.

If I have ever learnt something of great value, then it is to never rush things that have grave impacts on relationships. He is up for a big change. He needs to slowly acclimate to it. If you confront an alcoholic today and say he has a big problem and he needs to stop alcohol from now forever, he will shoot into heavy resistance. Even though it would be the right course of action, it is the hardest and most risky.

In the end, OP (she, whatever her name is), has to gather all the intel she can and make a decision on how to move forward with this. Or leave it behind. All options need to be overlooked

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree. When married to a sex addict, her only job is to take care of herself and her best interest. This may very well be to stay and help him, but it may also be to leave, as many don’t change until that happens. This particular addiction affects the spouse in far different ways than alcoholism. She must protect herself so that she can be the best mom.

 

The best mom is one who has the wisdom to know the importance of BOTH mom and dad to her children. Sure, she could simply take flight from him. That would protect her, perhaps, but what about the young ones who would no longer have their father? I'm with Daxos on this, and believe he's spoken wisely. A mom of two children will have a very difficult time finding a suitable step-father for her children if she just up and files for divorce. As a Christian, I believe the "adultery" clause of the Bible does give her that right. If her husband has been salivating over other women, he's certainly not been faithful to her. But she has children...children who need their father. Life is complicated.

As Daxos said, she will have to be the one to take initiative in this situation to help him. In some ways, the very best that she can do is to be super kind and loving toward him right now (and always) so that he, if he has any conscience at all, will realize how unfair to her he has been and want to make a change in his own life. Whatever she can do to be better to him than he is to her and upset that balance will have the best chance to improve her situation eventually as conviction comes to his heart. There is no guarantee that this will work, but, in my opinion, it is almost guaranteed to have a better chance at working than the opposite course--that of being strict with him.

Most men do not take well to being controlled by their wives, or thinking that their wives are telling them what to do. She faces a difficult situation. Friends are needed who can tell him what she cannot tell him herself. As I see it her best option is to simply be very sweet and "understanding" with him, while she works with her friends behind the scenes to help in other ways. She's already doing very well to put a little effort and research into things on her own. That is a good step in the right direction. The more information she has on the subject, the more wisdom she'll have to guide her decisions.

 

As a wife and mother who DID choose this route EXACTLY, I can say from experience that she must be able to detach completely from him in order to stay and not incur further harm to herself. I had a 1 ur old son and pregnant with my daughter when I caught my husband for the 2nd time. I knew then he wasn’t going to change. So, I was able to detach, focus on God, me, and then my kids. Few women can do that though. This action rarely helps, unfortunately and most just escalate. I consider myself very blessed that God watched over me and my children. This addiction puts her children at risk. My husband never escalated to camming/real life. My girlfriends husband gave her hpv. Another, her husband was raping their son. If she can stay married and detach from him emotionally until he gets into recovery, then absolutely I advocate staying! If he’s not abusing her in other ways and they can raise the children with minimal conflict then I think staying is most likely for the best. Even doing that though, she must be able to put herself first. He is an addict. He is not concerned with anything other than keeping his addiction.

 

He has to realise that he is facing a choice. When my wife told me that I had to stop using porn or, for her own protection, she would have to leave me I saw clearly what I had to do: stop. But

It took me six years before I hit my current streak.

Hopefully he can see the direction before he hits rock bottom, but many men here do not. There are kids involved, and so you have different calculations to make, but take a look at this harsh advice:

Back to @Psalm27:1my light's advice.

It's is like the advice when you fly: fit your own oxygen mask first. If you are going to bury your trauma and pain so that you can support him there may be a cost. How you deal with your own sense of betrayal is up to you, but you do need to think that through. What steps do you need to take so that you can heal? What steps do you need him to take?

There are loads of good threads here about setting boundaries (e.g. @EyesWideOpen's thread Want to know more about Boundaries?) and there's a group just for wives and girlfriends here (though I'm not sure how active it is).

^This^

Good luck @WhichWayIsUp?

 

Perfectly normal. But you are sane and you are definitely not overreacting.

 

Very normal to question everything! Read everything you can about porn addiction, betrayal trauma and codependency. Some people who marry addicts are codependent but many are not. The lack of empathy and emotional immature are very common. I wish I had know 20 years ago what I know now. I wish there had been help for us. You are in a much better place than I was, in that there is help. Be prepared for it to get much worse before it gets better, you’re only 3 weeks in from dday. The so forum on here is great support, especially since your discovery is so new. Many of us have been battling this for years. Some have chosen to stay and try and fix the relationship, some have left, some of us are kinda in limbo, there’s something for everyone! Lol
Writing a journal for yourself is an incredible help. I started keeping one a year and a half ago, when I discovered this was an addiction. It helps me see where I’m at in healing, where I see changes in my husband, where I’m “ stuck” so to speak, and I can look back and see patterns to help me identify my triggers. Being tired or not getting to gym are huge triggers for me. This makes me difficult to reason with, lol. My husband is finally in a place where he can be empathetic and he can own his part in why I respond the way I do. However, it is my job to heal me. Boundaries are great, I only had 2 no more lies and if I thought there was a lie then he takes a polygraph. I would also suggest a full disclosure with polygraph if you can afford it. I had to know that I was getting the truth before I could move forward with healing and it reveals any hidden behaviors the addict is holding onto, thereby helping his recovery by forcing him to finally be honest. The polygraph was by far the biggest help in my healing. However you need to do that with a csat. You’re stronger than you think! Trust your gut. Believe behaviors not words. If you believe in God- pray!

 

Be careful with Polygraph tests, I know @Kenzi hated the one she had her husband take:

(Sadly she deleted the original thread.) I know @BetrayedMermaid was planning one too, but I cannot find a post with her reporting back how it went.

@Psalm27:1my light, what kind of questions did you ask in the polygraph? if that's not hijacking @WhichWayIsUp?'s thread.

 

You absolutely do have to be careful with polygraphs- thats why I said with a csat. I basically wanted to know if he’s ever physically put me in harm or done anything criminal. Ie escorts. Child porn, peeping, stalking, filmed me without permission. Very real escalations for many. You really want to keep it very simple. You also need a polygraph tester who works with sex addicts to be the one giving the polygraph.

 

It helps if you understand how polygraphs work too. I’ve had to take 3 for different jobs so I understand it better than many.

 

Lol, for me, being in law enforcement, I’ve seen some pretty bad things people do to each other. So I really needed/need to know the truth. My csat literally just told me yesterday that my gut was better than any polygraph, and she’s right, but when it comes to the man we love we don’t listen to our gut! At least I didn’t for the first 10 years of my marriage. So, the polygraph helps give me a baseline to validate what my gut is saying. I think if I remember, Kenzie‘a frustrations were not being able to ask certain questions or be in the room. There is a reason for the format on how questions are asked. Hence the reason you need a csat and a polygrapher that works with them on these types of issues

 

I would be terrified to take a polygraph, and I have zero secrets left! I often find that in conversations about relationship stuff I feel like I am in an exam for a subject I never studied. I'm better at those conversations now that I am in recovery, but they still frighten me and I have to work hard to stay present, keep open, and not get defensive. I imagine a polygraph would feel like that, only worse.

 

@WhichWayIsUp? if you spend some time reading the journals men keep in the Ages 40+ journal section then you will see that older porn addicts like me can and do change.

 

I think anyone can change if they really want to and they have access to the help they need. They’ve got to really want it though..my husband had been trying to quit our entire marriage. I gave up on him changing 20 years ago. Then a year and a half ago, I found a betrayal trauma site that talked about porn addiction. I made an appointment with a csat that day. I’d love to say things are perfect, but they aren’t. However, I can say my husband is a completely different man today than he was 2 years ago.