When i was 14 i looked at child P, now i want to kill myself.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Throwaway1610, Apr 19, 2022.

  1. Throwaway1610

    Throwaway1610 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello

    Like the title says when i was 14 i went on the darknet to look for cp.....
    i was pretty tech-savvy so it wasn't to hard to find, i went looking for it because at the time i had the ''excuse'' to want to look at girls my own age.

    Fair warning for anyone reading im not gonna sugercoat it i need to get this off my chest and i need to tell it in detail or else i feel like im only telling half the story so if u don't wanne read about the disgusting sick shit that is out there quit reading now.

    With that being said, i remember only looking at a few pictures no video's or anything and the pictures i saw or can remember where only nudes no actual sex or anything i do remember one picture in particular and when i saw that i closed that shit so fast and never went looking for it again....
    i saw.... i saw some sick fuck doing something sexual with an infant... yeah a fucking baby... like i said after that i closed it and never went on the darknet again.

    I was just 14 and at the time i didn't really grasp the gravity of what i saw or how fucked up it was and i forgot all about it....

    Im 24 now and this came back to me 2 years ago and my life has been in ruins ever since, became a alcoholic for a year followed by extreme self-hate and anxiety, regret and anger... not just at myself but also at the sick fucks who did that to that poor baby i just can't shake it.... my conscience is killing me.....

    a little history about me i've been a porn user/addict for as long as i can remember i have a addictive personality and it runs in the family i'm not just talking about porn i can get addicted to pretty much anything real quick caffeine, drugs, alcohol, nicotine etc....

    I remember watching porn as young as 9 i wasn't sexually abused as a child but i do remember ''playing'' with other kids and trying to emulate things i saw on porn.

    porn has fucked me up the most tho i watched so much of it, i would jack off multiple times in school bathrooms as a young teen.

    As for the things i watched started off pretty normal just regular vanilla porn but it quickly escalated into more extreme and deviant shit.

    had a foot fetish for as long is can remember and been watching transgendered person/gay porn for a long time as well and a lot of fucked up hentai the transgendered person/gay porn has recently turned into a sissy fetish which some days i would only jack off to that.

    And yes i fapped to alot of ''underage'' hentai aswell and some 3Dhentai with child characters from videogames nothing real but i would be lying if i said some didn't look like actual childeren.

    off all the porn i watched i would say 10 to 20% of it was ''underage'' hentai or 3D animations. But recently i just found another real disgusting website just on google was browsing google for some 3D porn of a child character from a videogame gave me a link to a site called edited by mod and there was a subsection called i kid you not ''toddlercon'' and it's what u imagine i could only look at it for 1 second before having to look away its fucking disgusting and there are real sick fucks who watch that shit, it was pretty shitty animations tho (think Sims characters) but still i read some comments on there and it's a cesspool of real pedo's there's some even bragging that they did that to real children makes me sick and angry.
    But maby i don't have the right to be angry because i've associated myself with that shit i mean i did jack off to some stuff on there not that disgusting subsection but still....

    fuck porn, porn has ruined me its the reason im gonna kill myself... there is no way out of this and what i've done is unforgivable i just can't in good conscience forgive myself. I've been in therapy and taking meds for a long time, and if it wasn't for the heavy dose of antidepressants i would of killed my self the day i remembered what i did...
    im not posting this asking for conformation or that im struggling or confused that im a pedophille the thing is i know i'm not.

    I'm 100% certain that i'm not attracted to children that's not the problem, outside of porn i'm only attracted to adult woman i've tested this when i'm out and about i only ever notice woman and i can clearly see what im attracted to it's adult woman.
    I only ever fell in love with woman, a few years ago i would come this site because i was confused because i just couldn't understand why i would jack off to gay porn but having no intrest in men in real life or outside of porn. In my late teens and early 20's i was a skater so i would frequently hang out at skateparks and i would come in contact with a lot of children and not once did i feel an attraction to any of them did not even cross my mind back then.

    I'm pretty deadset on ending my life i feel like the only thing out of this hell ive created for myself is to end it. No amout of meds or therapy is gonna fix this.
    This shit is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life so its just not worth it, i really thought about solutions i really did... but unless u can erase my memories or turn back time there just isn't one. Before all this my life was pretty shitty and hard with adding this shit its damn near impossible.
    Can't find a job or i'm not even trying only thing im doing is just trying to distract myself to not have to think about all this, but my brain hates me so i just keeps reminding me of this horrible shit day in and day out. I can't move on i've been stuck in limbo for the last 2 years while life is just passing me by.

    There is no redemption for the things i did.

    Take my story as a cautionary tale quit porn or atleast watch it in moderation because before u know it this addiction will lead you to some very dark places and you will see things you can't unsee.

    i wish u all the best and i hope you guys will find the strength to stop before this addiction consumes you like it did to me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2022
  2. Leon12

    Leon12 Fapstronaut

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    You're not as bad or as lost as you think.

    Why don't you think of it like this? Make a committed decision to change your life, because you know what, you can dude, and it's not too late.

    You're not a fucking ruin bro, what you're feeling right now doesn't have to stay that way.

    I can teach you how to let go and change yourself for the better. it's never too late, your past mistakes don't define you.

    You might be wondering "what does this guy know about how I feel" because you know What "I know how it feels when life becomes obscure" but yet I am here and I want to live as much as I can and so will you.

    You can always seek help, take a step and change yourself.

    You can use my help too if you wish, I've been through some dark shit pal and I've risen up.

    Pick yourself little by little and give it time to work, be patient, and the combination of pain and effort will bear its fruits.

    I repeat again "You're not a bad dude" you just made some mistakes but well all do. Your past doesn't define you brother. Stop listening to those hypocrites claiming to be saints, everyone has a dark side. You are great because you've recognized and got sick of yours.

    The only thing left for you to do is to seek a trusted person for help, don't decide for yourself, it's always useful and life-changing to seek help. Give yourself a chance.

    Don't condemn yourself because of your past, no matter how horrible it might seem to your right now. You can turn a new page and start afresh.

    Forgive yourself, and make a step towards positive change.
     
    Jackson James and Throwaway1610 like this.
  3. Throwaway1610

    Throwaway1610 New Fapstronaut

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    thank you, those are really kind words.
    if im honest with you i don't really wanne die, i have people that care about me, but i can't really talk to them about all this, this is something i rather keep secret or atleast only talk about with a therapist where there is confidentiality. if i take all this porn shit away i don't think i'm a bad person, quite the opposite, i have feelings and emapthy i don't try to hurt people on purpose and always try to stand up for injustice when i see it. it's just i tend to act before i think and have very poor impulse control and sometimes my ''lizard brain'' just takes over with porn this got outta hand more i just wanted more and more.... i knew that watching that messed up stuff i was gonna feel even worse but i already felt condemned so i just kept going..... i only take solance in the fact for all that messed up stuff i watched it was at least all fake(execpt for that one time at 14) just drawings or animations so in theory the only person i hurt by watching that is myself. i want to turn over a new leaf and start over learn to move past this but its hard man.... my brain won't let me it keeps reminding me, but i thank you for your response made me feel a little bit better.
     
  4. Leon12

    Leon12 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly you don't want to die, nobody does. You just think desperate and defeated, but reality can be a while different thing.

    Go get some help, don't overdue yourself. Treat yourself as if you're someone that matters. Don't condemn yourself to pain.

    Start afresh. You deserve not only a second chance but a billion. God gave you life and is keeping you alive for a reason, take the gift and learn how to use it to be happy.
     
    CrazyCoin and (deleted member) like this.
  5. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    This is a lesson. Don't play with fire or you'll get burned
     
  6. Mazda647

    Mazda647 Fapstronaut

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    Hello @Throwaway1610

    You are not alone. Yes, you are a bad person. Every single one of us on the planet is. While we are all bad people, we also have good. Alone with your bad choices you also made good choices. The choices to set boundaries and not descend farther. The choice to open up about your pain.

    Our bad choices exist, they are a part of history. These choices help define who we become but are only a part of who we are.

    Your choice to open up is a great service has it helps me be more comfortable to open up. I'll share more later, right now I must get to work.

    Remember, your life still has value. Take care for now.
     
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  7. Mazda647

    Mazda647 Fapstronaut

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    Each of us has a different story. I believe opening up about the past is necessary to heal, especially when it involves things of a sexual nature and children.

    A part of my story is back during my late teen years when my mom babysat a couple girls. They were around 9 and 11. While I do not remember molesting them, I do believe I was well on my way too when playing with them. The main thing I've had to come to terms with is I was using these girls as a tool to serve my own purposes. There was no thought of their own well being. Since I could barely dream of getting close to a girl my own age I had the dim idea that since these girls were younger they would be easier to get closer to and great practice for getting close to girls my own age. Eventually something clicked and I backed away from that plan. Of course, never told anyone about it. I believe my saving grace was that at the time I was not into watching hardcore porn so I never had the visual inspiration to attempt performing any such activities with them.

    Another part is years later when I found my way into pornography watched things like hentai. I came to the realization that characters depicted in these cartoons were of high school age or younger. Some of them may have been just entering puberty. On top of that was the hentai rape. Processing what I was actually watching lead to my first attempt to quit (and subsequent failure) porn in 2005-ish. Never talked about it to anyone.

    Over the past fifteen years I can see my boundaries were gradually eroding. While I've never seen any real life porn featuring babies and likely none containing containing prepubescent children I am certain if I keep on the porn path I'll get there. In my most recent porn journey I came across videos with children that were not of a sexual nature but something about them seemed off and were a direct path to child porn. Perhaps it was just my twisted mind that put a sexual spin on things. My mind was definitely being drawn to "teenager" porn. The more "innocent" the better. In the hentai space I had already crossed into the space where the children appear to be elementary school age.

    Do I believe I'm actually sexually attracted to children? Probably not and it's not something I want to go out of my way to test either.

    @Throwaway1610

    Thank you for opening and sharing your experience. It helps those around you more than you realize. We have our past, none of us needs to stay living there.
     
    stupidhorse and Koli Pratham like this.
  8. This is a good sign. It means all of your problems are from porn, and none of them exist in real life. I and many others have had this same problem (for lots of different types of porn). If you stop watching porn, you will get better.
     
  9. astronautfrompompei

    astronautfrompompei Fapstronaut

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    The fact that you feel so bad about something that you saw, that had no direct real consequences in real life, makes it so that you are actually a kind, ethical soul (with a self-destructive control and addiction problem).

    The reason why you want to end it is because you feel either that

    A) you are a bad person: you are not, you're so much better than other people. You did what you did because you have a pathological problem... your FREE WILL WASN'T THERE and was limited by things outside of your control (mental health, addiction), and as such you don't have full blame as you are instead assuming you had.

    B) you think that what you did is shameful and unforgiving, and there's no point going forward: you action/s had no real consequence in real life, and are not even a sign of who you are. They are side effects from an addictive mental illness... that you can probably fix. You should tell yourself "I did something terrible, that really does not align with who I am and who I want to be". (Vs "I am a terrible person"). You should feel regret and guilt, not shame. If you won't be able to fix you sexual addiction problem, as the nuclear option decide that you're going to 'castrate' yourself chemically... but don't end your life.

    Maybe look for a better therapist, it seems like you need help (and very few therapists are going to be good, so to actually help you). You have a working brain and body, and I wouldn't give up on them: I'd be convinced that it can be fixed, and I would continuously seek more and more help to do that.
     
  10. Mazda647

    Mazda647 Fapstronaut

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  11. Throwaway1610

    Throwaway1610 New Fapstronaut

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    thank you all for the responses, sorry for taking so long to answer, been a rather difficult and dark week for me.

    reading your responses has helped a little bit tho i don't feel quite as alone now.
    i feel like if i quit porn i would be fine yes, like i said outside of porn i'm clearly only attracted to adult woman some days i still only watch regular porn just plain vanillia stuff and could get off to that just fine. my problem lies with how to move forward i could quit never watch porn again but that doesn't change the fact that in the past (some of it quite recently) i did fap to some real messed up stuff.

    I'm not gonna kill myself just yet i want live as messed up as this world is there is also alot of good and beauty in the world that i want to experience. i just want some peace of mind some sense of normality, it's hard tho my conscience is probably never gonna let me live this down. But i guess that's something i'll have to learn to live with...
     
  12. If I were in your situation, I would feel the same way. I had a sexting addiction and have a lot of residual shame from it. Like that what I did was unforgiveable because I was a little creepy and sexually suggestive with girls on tinder.

    Considering how this haunts you, maybe you should make it your life mission to destigmatize this. Go to sex addicts anonymous meetings and open up. Tell family members.

    Instead of getting people the help they need who deal with sexual shame or messed up sexual fetishes, society deems them sick or perverted. It's fucked up and I feel bad. But it's not your fault that you feel shame bro. If you find a community to tell this about, you may be able to come to peace with it. I have felt the same demons on a lesser degree and will pray for emotional healing on your end.
     
  13. Also there is always redemption. I believe in you, your suffering has meaning. Idk if you're religious but there are plenty of people out there quietly going through what you're going through now. Find some meaning and that suffering and help out others.
     
  14. Seeeker

    Seeeker Fapstronaut

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    A lot of good support here, the only thing I want to add is that you are still young and probably immature, and you still have your whole life ahead of you. You can absolutely turn this around. When we are young we tend to make everything a catastrophe. When my friends got kicked out of high school, when I got kicked out, I thought it was the end of the world. I remember failing a test so bad in college I though it was the end. Now I'm 50 and it doesn't mean shit.
    You're only 24. You haven't even begun your life. You will be a different person in ten years.
    Take deep breaths and think clearly. You have to be focused, motivated, and disciplined. Recognize your triggers, and distract yourself. It's the only way. It will be like kicking heroin. But gradually take steps to get yourself on a better track. That is literally all you can do.
     
    Throwaway1610 likes this.
  15. iamShinra

    iamShinra Fapstronaut

    Doing Drugs in Moderation doesn't makes any sense My Bruder, We gotta give it up for eternity HAHAHAHA, Stay Strong Keep Going!
     
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  16. iamShinra

    iamShinra Fapstronaut

    Well Said big Guy
     
  17. Flower-danger

    Flower-danger New Fapstronaut

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    I've been there too. When i was 14 and already addicted to porn i wondered off to deep web and found cp. I wanted to see girls of my own age, Childmodels etc. That lead me to a very dark place. I was so lost inside my own head. I went emotionally numb because the material i looked. Many years vanila cp/loli was the only thing that could make me hard, and I'm not a pedophile. Never been attracted to children in real life. It was not the children that i made me hard, it was more about the petite and tight bodies. Before i started Nofap petite was still the thing for me, but i had got rid of cp few years back. I'm still disgusted by myself, and that's something that i have to live with. If i could change the past i would. But i know how you feel. That struggle with your identity. The horrifying post nut clarity. I was very depressed. i thought of ending my life too because i thought that i don't deserve to live. But that's wrong. We all deserve to live. We all make mistakes in life. We can learn from those mistakes and choose to change our lives. I hope that you are still with us. I do not believe in god but i do believe that we can be forgiven. You haven't done anything that can't be forgiven.
     
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  18. ForeverAndADay21

    ForeverAndADay21 Fapstronaut

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    Please, please do not kill yourself. Even though you cannot see it now, you can move past this and live a happy life. I also have a fucked up past because of porn that at one point caused me to have the same thoughts you currently have. After continual battling, things did begin to change for me and I have gained a lot of peace from my scars. I'm 23 and still in the battle unfortunately, just fell off a 125 streak which I genuinely thought was going to be my final escape from porn. Although I'm extremely disappointed and disgusted with myself, I know one thing: I won't quit getting back up and fighting. I encourage you to do the same. You have the ability to conquer this and find peace. You have the ability to leave the past behind (while never forgetting the lessons you learned) and to become someone entirely different.
     
    stupidhorse likes this.
  19. stupidhorse

    stupidhorse Fapstronaut

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    This is unfortunately more common than you’d think these days, and you’re far from alone in it. High speed internet porn is a cruel joke that was played on our generation, and when you couple that with how prevalent loneliness is these days you’re going to get fucked up results. I say that from personal experience. I’m 24 as well and looked at CP once when I was 16 and fapped to it once when I was 19. You didn’t take it that far so have forgiveness for yourself. The images will probably haunt me forever, just as much as knowing what I did was participating in evil against children and against myself. I immediately felt horrible about what I did and still do. I’m still working on forgiving myself. The biggest thing is that I’m no longer that nihlistic, isolated, fucked up person I once was walking down the path that led me to that. I haven’t touched the deep web since. It’s been almost 6 years since I had that piece of shit program TOR on my computer. I’ve been a month PMO free. I’m going for 90 days and beyond and you can too. You can be a different person too and I’m sure you already are much different than who you were at 14.
    You’re not alone in this either. My consciousness eats away at me every day and I deal with thoughts of suicide because of my actions and low self-worth too. I recently kicked alcohol out because it only feeds into the depression and self-hatred, and I do stupid shit while drunk out of rage, despair, or (god forbid) horniness. I stopped smoking weed or taking anything that I’d easily go into an altered state from because it costed me a very important relationship recently that I’m still grieving over. Just as much as I won’t touch porn again I won’t touch that shit again because I’m paying for it and the pain isn’t worth it. That pain isn’t so great that it’s impossible to endure while sober though. The reality is you need self control, it’s what prevents a person from doing these bad things.

    I started when I was 6. Curiosity started killing my innocence from that young, and it’s again why high speed internet porn is absolutely not something children should have access to. It led me to the worst parts of the internet (4chan, /b/, deep web, etc) that I could have and should have stopped browsing if I wasn’t so young and dumb at the time.

    Personally, I’m not on antidepressants because they haven’t helped at all but I am speaking to a therapist. I’m working up the courage to bring this shit up to them to help me move past the intrusive thoughts surrounding those bad things and the obsessions over them and heal. If you haven’t brought it up with yours I encourage you to at some point because you deserve to as well. You aren’t a pedophile. You’re attracted to women and nothing but in real life when you’re out in public. I am too despite having done worse things than you when it comes to this subject. That’s not me trying to compare or quantify morals, I’m just trying to show that even when worse things have been done recovery and healing are possible, and you deserve it because you’re not a pedo. Please do not go down the dangerous path of loneliness and nihilism/self-annihilation because it’s not the answer, and it’s what leads to making these poor decisions in the first place. We’re all wishing you the best and I hope to hear more from you OP. Stay strong and try to stay sober. Focus on being productive for yourself and connect with your loved ones for support, and continue to talk to people on here. I wish you the best of luck.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2022
    Throwaway1610 likes this.
  20. Mazda647

    Mazda647 Fapstronaut

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    The TOR browser? I briefly used that browser. Not for porn but for when I was attempting to open up on here about some of the stuff I got into. I was very afraid. Still am, but less so. Threads like these are a real blessing.
     

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