When will I be able to let go?

Jack Trey

Jack Trey

Fapstronaut
It's been over a year now since I've gotten my heart broken by a girl I didn't know I genuinely loved until it was too late. Maybe I got too attached to her or God knows how it happened that I would curl up in bed and cry every time she began to cry as well. Since that time I don't feel like I've improved in the ways I've wanted to improve, mentally I feel I'm more stable due to university and meditation, but physically I feel like I'm still overweight and not as strong or as nimble/agile as I would like to be for the field I want to pursue. Last night after an extensive masturbation period I went to go watch some YouTube videos before going to sleep, I had spent the day learning Python. I fell asleep and had two strange hyper realistic dreams. One involving me running a marathon and another involving me getting passionate with aforementioned girl. Now awake I feel very sad and morose, wanting to talk to her even though I haven't spoken to her since last summer when we broke up. She was a good person but she acted poorly when it came to me, I would expect to feel negative emotions towards her but I just want her back in my life, she would make me laugh and it was a decent relationship. I doubt it will happen so I came onto the forum today to ask if about people's experiences in dealing with this stuff.

How long has it taken you to get over a past love?
Did achieving certain things make you move on?
What do you think makes you cling onto these sorts of feelings even if life is not terrible?

TL;DR : I had a dream that reminded me of a girl I loved last summer, why am I still thinking about her? How can I get over it?

Any help or comfort would be greatly appreciated!
 
Takes me 3-4 months to get over exgf. don't look her up and avoid places where she has to go. If you meet by accident no problem.
 
How long has it taken you to get over a past love?
Depends. Once (first) It happened very fast when the girl entered in a relationship. The things she posted on facebook made me realize she wasnt the one and I was with oneitis. (faster because I didnt had a affair with her.)

Second, I'm still thinking about her. I tried to enter in contact with her yesterday but she ignored me. Hurts.

Did achieving certain things make you move on?
At long term, yes. Specially if these things are relationships with other girls. Therefore, in my case is being hard to move on, because I want to be her Friend above anything. And even that is difficult because she knows I liked her in the past. But I believe its possible to become friends with a past love.

What do you think makes you cling onto these sorts of feelings even if life is not terrible?
When I realize that I'm not being a part of her life when I wish I would. Most of the time. Romantic comedies also brings me the "alone" feeling and missing her.

If people talked more about their emotions and everyone was prepared to embrace their cause with affection, that wouldnt hurt as much as it does.
 
In my experience, I always feel unworthy to ask/date a woman. Not only because of my masturbation addiction, but also because I don't have the necessary resources to support the woman (I still live with my parents, I don't own a car, my job only pays a bit more than minimum wage, I only have an associate degree, I don't have many hobbies, and I honestly don't feel like I have a grip on where I'm going in life. I also don't have many friends (work associates, yes, but not that kind of close knit group where we would go hang out somewhere after work). Also, the girl that I thought I might eventually marry has mentioned (via facebook) that her and my morals on certain issues don't mix and it wouldn't work out.
I've sort of just accepted that I can't be in a deep seated relationship with her. So, while there's still hope (for now) that she might change her opinion, I can put the pressure of trying to be the male I think she would want off of myself and instead focus on myself for myself. Although I still use that train of thought, "what I think she would want in a male", as a staple for what I think a woman would want in a relationship (keeping in mind my own morals that I have decided I cannot change).
 
JSmartBites said:
In my experience, I always feel unworthy to ask/date a woman. Not only because of my masturbation addiction, but also because I don't have the necessary resources to support the woman (I still live with my parents, I don't own a car, my job only pays a bit more than minimum wage, I only have an associate degree, I don't have many hobbies, and I honestly don't feel like I have a grip on where I'm going in life. I also don't have many friends (work associates, yes, but not that kind of close knit group where we would go hang out somewhere after work). Also, the girl that I thought I might eventually marry has mentioned (via facebook) that her and my morals on certain issues don't mix and it wouldn't work out.
I've sort of just accepted that I can't be in a deep seated relationship with her. So, while there's still hope (for now) that she might change her opinion, I can put the pressure of trying to be the male I think she would want off of myself and instead focus on myself for myself. Although I still use that train of thought, "what I think she would want in a male", as a staple for what I think a woman would want in a relationship (keeping in mind my own morals that I have decided I cannot change).
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I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I have strong morals of my own and at the same time I have sets of beliefs and truths that I tell myself in accordance to what others would want of me, specifically women. "Oh she'd want a man whose thinner." "She wants a man who can sing well." "She wants someone whose better in his field." So then I come to question myself; do I really want to lose weight for myself or am I hoping to get closer to women? Are women actually upset with my weight or is that an excuse I use for myself so that I dont have to say "maybe they just don't like me" etc. And how much of this has to do with masturbation. Sometimes I feel like the universe works better in your favor even if you change nothing else then stopping masturbation.

A lot of the pressures of being a good man revolve around being a strong support system and a strong leader at the same time eh? I think the important part is to take it one day at a time and squeeze every drop of commitment out of that day. You may have all of these things slowing you down but these are all things you can work on. You're not missing an arm or have a learning disability so you can improve on all of the things you deem worthy of improving. I think passion and hobbies are important though, discovering what brings your life joy and drive is important. I feel like the only reason I'm not all out depressed right now is because I have those things in my life. I love acting, playing music and reading, and those things are for me.
 
Potato93 said:
How long has it taken you to get over a past love?
Depends. Once (first) It happened very fast when the girl entered in a relationship. The things she posted on facebook made me realize she wasnt the one and I was with oneitis. (faster because I didnt had a affair with her.)

Second, I'm still thinking about her. I tried to enter in contact with her yesterday but she ignored me. Hurts.

Did achieving certain things make you move on?
At long term, yes. Specially if these things are relationships with other girls. Therefore, in my case is being hard to move on, because I want to be her Friend above anything. And even that is difficult because she knows I liked her in the past. But I believe its possible to become friends with a past love.

What do you think makes you cling onto these sorts of feelings even if life is not terrible?
When I realize that I'm not being a part of her life when I wish I would. Most of the time. Romantic comedies also brings me the "alone" feeling and missing her.

If people talked more about their emotions and everyone was prepared to embrace their cause with affection, that wouldnt hurt as much as it does.
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Do you feel like you really want to be her friend though, or are you searching for some validation from her? Are you hoping that by being her friend you can somehow still get with her? Thats what I wanted and still want with this girl I had a dream about last night. I want to be her friend, but I would be sad only being her friend, I feel like I need her to say things about me and do things with me. Things that would make me feel a certain way or do certain things that would drive me to be the man I want to be, but I can drive myself can't I? Would you want to be over her?
 
Jack Trey said:
Do you feel like you really want to be her friend though, or are you searching for some validation from her? Are you hoping that by being her friend you can somehow still get with her? Thats what I wanted and still want with this girl I had a dream about last night. I want to be her friend, but I would be sad only being her friend, I feel like I need her to say things about me and do things with me. Things that would make me feel a certain way or do certain things that would drive me to be the man I want to be, but I can drive myself can't I? Would you want to be over her?
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I dont like seeing things evolving like this, but its what naturaly happens:
Aquaintance > Friend > Girlfriend > Wife > Ex > Aquaintance

We are probably stuck in a mindset of classification for human bonding/intimacy.

Would you want to be over her?
Yes, I have my life and she have her's. I'm trying to see how far I can go to understand her. But she really doesnt open.

Do you feel like you really want to be her friend though, or are you searching for some validation from her?
Yes! I think she's a good person. The validation I was looking for is that she would like me back, I dont know if that's possible, but yes, I keep on trying.

Are you hoping that by being her friend you can somehow still get with her?
Depends on her, but I prefer being friends and know the person first rather than entering in a relationship and have to break up after.

I really like your questions, and if you're interested in chatting after I'd really like, I thing we have lots of things in common to discuss. I also think that I'm starting to wake up and perceive the essence of relationships.
 
It took me a long time. From what I read from your post it sounded like a 1 way clingy relationship. You're nothing without her, so be something without her. Otherwise this will be a common occurrence in your relationships. You need to fight your insecurities. You think you can lose more weight, so do it!
 
CompulsiveCrab said:
It took me a long time. From what I read from your post it sounded like a 1 way clingy relationship. You're nothing without her, so be something without her. Otherwise this will be a common occurrence in your relationships. You need to fight your insecurities. You think you can lose more weight, so do it!
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It was strange; she was struggling with depression and she's the one who wanted me back after our first break up, so I don't know if it was only one way, regardless of that self improvement needs to be there.

What did you do to get over your significant crush?
 
I
Jack Trey said:
It was strange; she was struggling with depression and she's the one who wanted me back after our first break up, so I don't know if it was only one way, regardless of that self improvement needs to be there.

What did you do to get over your significant crush?
Click to expand...
Time and reflection. Not time and obsession
 
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