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When will these feelings end?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by RosieMae, Apr 5, 2020.

  1. RosieMae

    RosieMae New Fapstronaut

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    How? How am I suppose to pretend like it never happened? It would be so much easier - if he had just phycally cheated - then maybe I could actually compete or feel more justified in leaving. It would be easier - if he were a drug addict - because at least those problems have meetings and psychological help that’s covered by our insurance - for him and for me.


    Because no one ever talks about my side of it. It’s almost like everyone thinks the only hard part is lies with the person who has the porn addiction. My part, as the spouse, is easy; I just have to be patient and understanding of what my porn addict husband is going through. Right?! There’s no way that this experience has left ME with my own set of emotional problems to deal with in this “relationship”, right?!


    No one ever tells you, as the spouse, that it’s ok to feel the things you feel. No one ever validates the feelings of inadequacy and betrayal that you’re left with - least of all the person who was suppose to have been there for you, who was suppose to have loved you above ANY other.


    But, when I caught him, everything was entirely my fault. He did not, then nor now, accept responsibility for his actions. So, how can I ever believe that he is done deceiving me?


    I had “no right to invade [his] privacy!” What he does on his own time is “[his] business!!” regardless of how it affects our relationship. I guess it was just my fault for walking in and catching him lying about why he couldn’t be bothered to want me.


    Why am I “acting like [he] is cheating?! Isn’t is enough that [he] comes home to [me]?!” Meaning, I have no right to make demands on his love and respect as long as he is not PHYCSICALLY sleeping with someone else. It was just porn/webcams; it’s not a big deal.


    We would probably have sex more often but, “[He] chose porn because [my] sexual frustration was turning [him] off!” Meaning, I had no right to be a sexual being. Why was “ upset that [he] didn’t want to have sex EVERY day?!”; as if I had EVER made that suggestion! Meaning, he’s attacking me for having the audacity to be a sexual woman. How dare I want physical intimacy more than once a month or two?! How dare I try to replace his picture-perfect fantasy of live-webcam-half-my-age whores who never demand anything of him except for his lust?!


    I had no right to feel inadequacies because “ only caught [him] jacking off!” Meaning, “boys will be boys” and “everyone does it”; even though he had always made it clear that he didn’t feel I should be using porn because it would make him feel like I didn’t need him. Because he wanted to be the one to give me sexual pleasure; even though he never had the intention of paying me the same love and respect.


    Of course, I’m just “being ridiculous!” And, “let’s ask everyone we know, they’ll all agree that [you’re] overreacting!” Meaning, if I keep making a fuss over his actions, he’s threatening to tell everyone we know about how he was “driven” to porn. And, if course, any of his “buddies” would agree that online sex is nothing.


    I’m afraid to leave the house. Because the first time I caught him was when he had waited to start his striking until he was sure I had left for work for the evening. We had spent at least a few hours together that day before I left, but he never once intimated to me that he was in the mood. Instead, he waited until he thought it was safe to fantasize about what he really wanted.


    I’m afraid to fall asleep. I hate waking up just to see him backing up sex scenes on “Game if Thrones” or any other show he watches because he “like the plot!” Or when I wake up and move toward him, and he’s leaning up with his back to me - he looks over his shoulder at me then back at his phone and closes his apps as fast as he can. One time while we were sitting next to each other, he went to check his email and it opened straight to the email of a woman’s nude pictures. When I asked him about it, he got extremely mad and defensive; he started yelling about how his phone must have glitched and was outraged that he should be treated with anything less than blind trust.


    I can’t watch movies anymore. Everything on tv these days is rife with sexual content. Every time I see a sex scene or a nude actress, I feel myself close up, shift uncomfortably, and retract from any contact with him. I don’t even want him to touch me while those scenes are rolling across our tv screen. And I become repulsed if he later tries to initiate sex when it’s time for bed that night. I try not to, but every time I see a naked actress, I feel all of my faults and shortcomings. And it makes me feel that he would rather be watching those scenes than being intimate with me.


    I can’t look in the mirror. I see every imperfection, any minor weight gain, wishing I could be perfectly groomed 100 percent of the time. Because maybe if I were in better shape, younger, consistently hairless, without any cellulite or blemishes - just maybe then, he would wouldn’t need those girls online. But he’ll never need ME like that - he’s always making jokes about how much I want sex (and I’m good with no more than once or twice a week) and how much it satisfies ME. But he never says anything about how much he needs me sexually or what our sex life provides for him - because he doesn’t NEED me and he doesn’t get anything out of it that wouldn’t prefer to get from the visuals of live webcam.


    I can’t be sexually playful with him anymore. And when he’s sexually playful with me, I take it with as a grain of salt. We had always been playful before - sending sexy text messages, trading glances, giving a quick slap on the ass. But before, it hardly ever actually led to us being physically intimate. And I’ve come to resent the behavior now, because I wonder if I was just the mistress to real love. I wonder if it just fluffed him up for his online activities. And now, when our playfulness doesn’t lead to sex, I can’t help but wonder if he’s still saving his physical release for an internet connection. Actually, that playfulness doesn’t even turn me on anymore; I only feel that he’ll come up with some reason to reject me some more - he’ll have a headache, hurt his back, be so tired and need a nap.


    I can’t take a compliment from him anymore. When he calls me sexy or anything else of the sort, all I can think is that he’s just saying it to placate me, or lead into yet another false sense of security. Because he had said those things before, and it wasn’t enough for him to want me then, so why would it be enough now?


    Worst of all, I don’t feel aroused for him anymore; not like I use to. I don’t swell and I don’t naturally lubricate anymore. I blame it on the meds I take or anything else that I can; because I don’t want him to feel the same rejection I felt every time he scoffed at me for daring to try to seduce him (as if I was ever enough to turn his head away from his phone/computer). In fact, my own drive has slowly been diminishing ever since I found out. It’s practically nonexistent now and I don’t know if I can get it back. This whole experience and his words to me after I found out taught me a number of things: I’m not worth his sexual efforts, I had no right to make sexually intimate demands on him in the first place, I had no right to violate his sexual privacy in our relationship, and I could never compare to his sexual preferences anyways. Truthfully, even minor affections are hard for me these days: hugs, kisses, even those loving looks we use to exchange.


    I feel like I could start healing if I could only feel like it would never happen again. But, at the same time, he had never, not once, apologized for his actions. In fact, every time I have tried to talk about how all of this has made me feel, I get the same treatment from him; like I have no right or reason to feel inadequate or mistrust him in any way regardless of the lies he told me, the rejections he gave me, and the way he hid it all until I found out on my own.


    No one told me exactly how hard it would be to deal with these things. To love him so much for all the good parts of our life, but to not know if I would ever be able to trust him again. No one told me how mad and frustrated he would be if I gave him anything less than 200% of my trust in the year following my discovery. No one told me how he would joke with his buddies about how “crazy” I am for not completely trusting him to be honest with me after the lies he told.


    No one warned me that I would have to be THE ONLY ONE to have MY BACK in any of this because I should just be nothing less than forgiving, calm, and patient with his betrayal. No one ever told me that I should be the strong one so he could be free to deal with and heal from his demons without any regard for myself at all. So, I guess the insecurities this whole thing has given me, it’s just me being selfish - because he’s the only one dealing with what he’s done and, after all, it was all my fault anyways.
     
    ankith likes this.
  2. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    So, i am intrigued, but have two questions.
    First: What exactly stops you from leaving him and finding someone who treats you better?

    Second: what's with all the text that you practically canceled out by crossing them out? Is all of that not valid?
    I'm pretty lost and gotta be honest couldn't read everything due to everything being crossed out
     
  3. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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  4. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    She is new just joined today, lets hope she is ok
     
  5. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Wouldn't you like both?
     
  6. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Why would I want both? I have had shitty sex for 24 years if any sex. SEx is something to be done with eachother not something you do to someone?
     
  7. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    That is right, I should be the porn sub and get Fucked! Brilliant idea!
     
  8. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Are you ok?
     
  9. so familiar. how there are not more songs, movies, books etc. to cradle our weary hearts kind of boggles me. there's some, but......

    I just haven't seen the true scope of horrific carnage of the innermost self, spiritual abyss, hydrogen blimp infernon- adequately portrayed yet. i suspect it may be related to the event horizon of such a place allowing nothing to escape, not much more than faint distorted ghosts of that which was sent to Oblivion.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2020
  10. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Just a piece of advice, I don't know if you have already done this, but if not, try to educate him about the adverse affects of porn. Blindly asking people to quit things would make them feel like a chore and also in turn want them to lie to you as they want to escape from being scolded or suspected. here is a link to the a 3 part series which describes very interestingly about it: https://brainheartworld.org/

    After educating him, when he realises that how messed up his life is because of porn, you might want him to get an Accountability partner, an addict like him, if possible from your friend circle or from this website.

    And tell him to ask questions here (Nofap.com) and learn more about how to get out of this in a smart and effective way. (You shouldn't research for him, instead he has to do it by himself, cos he needs to feel this as his responsibility than getting orders from you)

    These things would reduce your burden and unnecessary arguments, just ask about his progress on alternate days or confirm with his Accountability partner regularly. Good luck.
     

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