When you have a family...

I had a 1 yr old son and was pregnant with my daughter when I had dday #2. That was 17 years ago. I knew when I confronted him that he was not going to change. I also knew that I was not going to “ share custody” of my children. I could not even consider giving up 50% of their life! Unfortunately, there was little to no help at that time. So, I detached, and we lived parallel lives basically as friends. I took off my wedding ring, and focused on what I wanted in life. I did not play detective and check on him, do anything for him that a wife would normally do. I did not do anything for him. I never said I love you again for 17 years. When he would tell me he loved me I’d say “ that’s good or ok.” When he asked me to renew our vows I told him I would never take wedding vows again with anyone and that because he wasn’t faithful to them the first time so why give him the chance to betray me again. Remember, there was no help supporting this as an addiction so I had to figure out how to protect myself. It sounds harsh, but I decided that since he couldn’t be the man he promised, then I had to watch out for myself and children. I was/ am a stay at home mom. I handle all of our finances so I had plenty of time to invest and plan for the day I could walk away. I told him a year and a half ago, that as soon as our daughter graduates I’m divorcing him so we need to get the house and ranch ready to sell. It was at this time coincidentally that I discovered it was an addiction. When I showed him, he joined sa groups, got into counseling and started emdr to help with trauma. He is now a completely different man. He never escalated to camming or real life interactions, so I was lucky in that regard. I still have 8 months before my daughter graduates. I don’t know yet if I’ll stay and fight it out or leave. All of our kids know about his addiction and we have both been in counseling with csats. For a year and a half now. I think the fact that my husband and I were best friends before we married helped. He’s still my best friend, I can’t imagine anyone else more suited to me, even after 33 years. I’m just not willing to live with him anymore unless he is clean.

 

@Jagliana maybe you can respond? Your kids are still young right?

 

I have a 5-year-old and a 12-year-old, if you visit my journal and read my first post (my disclosure day etc) and my recent ones after decided I was DONE and planning on walking away, my husband finally began making changes - but not because I wanted him to, but because something finally clicked for him. Until your husband had that transition, where he sees this addiction for what it really is and wants to change his life, for himself - only then will change occur. I suffered for 12+ years, faking a happy family for those looking in from the outside, but I was miserable and depressed. During my first discovery, my youngest was a few months old, I was ashamed to leave and scared too. It was painful, but I wrote all about it. In any event, my husband has now been clean from PM since Jan 29th, 2018 and he is like a brand new person. I went from planning a divorce (and be sure I was out) to now planning on celebrating 15 years married...

You can have your husband check out his journal and compare how his first entries look to now:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/one-day-at-a-time.154344/ and he can also message him if he needs an accountability partner or advice.

My journal is here:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/jaglianas-journal-an-s-os-perspective.155027/

Whether you check out our pages or not, I wish you strength in this long and difficult journey. If you have questions or want some great videos to watch for healing or recovery, please feel free to message me.