Where am I going?

[2080Future]

I haven't gotten past a week of no PMO in the last 2 months. I couldn't figure out why until my relapse today.
You see most of my strategy to beat this addiction, apart from the healthier habits i've been picking up, was thinking about why i started in the first place. It has always been about sacrificing instant pleasure and dopamine rushes in order to obtain a better version of myself, a version that FEELS, that loves, that hates, that talks...
But today i've realized that may not be what i want. I don't know what i want. Who do I want to be? Here's the conflict...
Lately, almost all of my friends have gotten new "girlfriends" and i use quotes because they're just f**k buddies. And since i've been pretty down lately because of my relapses, they repeatedly say "aw man we need to find you a girl already" and shit like that. But i am not ready to have a girlfriend, and i don't want a fuck buddy. As i said before, i want feelings, but i am not ready to have a relationship with love, and i don't want a relation without it. I want myself to be better... I want to be higher, i want to be better, not trapped in the lie of sexual gratification without feelings, not drowning my feelings in alcohol, not smoking or partying..., because i need to think of myself as better because it's the only thing i got left before i am just another random person... The whole point of my existance is to be different, as i have been all my life. But at the same time, this has been extremely painful. I feel like i've been cursed, with a mind highly capable of academic performance, at the cost of not being normal.
So everytime I ask this question when i have urges, the response is not clear. Do I want a version of me capable of emotions, even if those emotions are negative?
I am extremely worried for my future. Where am i going? I am stuck here because i'm afraid of change, i am unable to express my desire of not walking the standard path, which will eventually confine me in a life of pain, dullness and discontent.
Do I want to feel? Yes. Yes I do. Yes. YES. YES. YEEEEEEES!!!

 

[last chance]

Hi 2080Future

I don't think you are abnormal. People are just different. You don't have to live the same life as your friends. Live your life as you see fit. You are not accountable to anyone. If you do well academically, be happy about it and try to use that gift. You will benefit humanity more than partying, sex and drugs.

 

[Outspaced]

This is a great thread, well expressed.
I get you. Personally, I think you already know what you want, to be a better version of yourself. This will be based on all aspects in life. Jiaminie ~ swahili word for believe in yourself.

 

[OrganizeInformed]

I appreciate the thoughtfulness. I wonder if what you want might be not just to feel, but to integrate feeling with your intellect. I think a lot of people have that compartmentalized and anything that "makes them" feel anything is really some form of numbing out, including romantic relationships.

I don't think you necessarily need to know your why in detail, or know completely from the beginning - it's enough to have an orientation and know you are heading in the right direction.

You said you're not ready for a relationship, I would point out the simple fact that a relationship doesn't happen overnight anyway. Of course, if people especially potential love interests think in those black and white terms, as people often seem to then that could be a potential issue, but there's plenty you can do to have interpersonal relationships with emotional intelligence that's low on attachment vs. high attachment but low emotional intelligence. I hope that's helpful and that it may put things into context abit.