I haven't gotten past a week of no PMO in the last 2 months. I couldn't figure out why until my relapse today. You see most of my strategy to beat this addiction, apart from the healthier habits i've been picking up, was thinking about why i started in the first place. It has always been about sacrificing instant pleasure and dopamine rushes in order to obtain a better version of myself, a version that FEELS, that loves, that hates, that talks... But today i've realized that may not be what i want. I don't know what i want. Who do I want to be? Here's the conflict... Lately, almost all of my friends have gotten new "girlfriends" and i use quotes because they're just f**k buddies. And since i've been pretty down lately because of my relapses, they repeatedly say "aw man we need to find you a girl already" and shit like that. But i am not ready to have a girlfriend, and i don't want a fuck buddy. As i said before, i want feelings, but i am not ready to have a relationship with love, and i don't want a relation without it. I want myself to be better... I want to be higher, i want to be better, not trapped in the lie of sexual gratification without feelings, not drowning my feelings in alcohol, not smoking or partying..., because i need to think of myself as better because it's the only thing i got left before i am just another random person... The whole point of my existance is to be different, as i have been all my life. But at the same time, this has been extremely painful. I feel like i've been cursed, with a mind highly capable of academic performance, at the cost of not being normal. So everytime I ask this question when i have urges, the response is not clear. Do I want a version of me capable of emotions, even if those emotions are negative? I am extremely worried for my future. Where am i going? I am stuck here because i'm afraid of change, i am unable to express my desire of not walking the standard path, which will eventually confine me in a life of pain, dullness and discontent. Do I want to feel? Yes. Yes I do. Yes. YES. YES. YEEEEEEES!!!