Over the years of porn and escorts/massage parlours I’ve had times where I’d seek out a more submissive role. I think it started actually having an erotic massage and the lady skilfully teased me with her feminine long nails. It felt good to be teased and seduced. Tickling my tender spots kissing my ears, running her nails over my head and then started to touch my ass crack and balls. It felt forbidden, naughty aswell as exciting. I’d usually opt for this sort of sexual behaviour when I had a hangover; it was used as a way of treating how crap and lazy I felt. Later on I got into lesbian strapon then to femdom strapon. I used to think the guys in the clips were weird and kind of gay and block them out, but I found to watch the dominant woman a real turn on. The skilled and sensual type did it for me rather than the more abusive Dom stuff. I watched hundreds of femdom vids and seeked out lots of bdsm escorts or mistresses. Most of the time disappointed with their set up or skill level at seducing me. It seemed too corny the dom stuff or they didn’t have the toys or couldn’t use them well. The odd woman knew what they were doing and it could be really stimulating; I guess that’s what kept it addictive searching for the ultimate. I remember feeling crap after being submissive to an escort. And really ashamed after watching pegging clips. But the escape was very intense. With girlfriends, flings and most escorts I’d be very dominant and love getting them off real alpha style often using skills I’d learnt from the doms. But if I was stressed or cross with myself I’d look for the naughty femdom mistresses, almost as a way of punishment or self sabotage and escape. Fast forward a few years and it’s obvious I’ve escalated into the shemale and even the messed up Hypno stuff. This stuff has been very damaging to my self esteem and am fighting really hard to over come it. Doing a lot better really but the odd slip up. But I just wonder where that submissive side comes from! Do I accept I’m a switch and like both elements or do I just stay away from anything kinky and submissive and hope it fades out completely. I just wondered if there are some psychological reasons for being into this stuff.