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Where is the limit?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Patricia, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. Patricia

    Patricia New Fapstronaut

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    I am really new in this forum.
    Thanks for the provided support.
    I have discovered my husband habits recently by chance. I see he used to see porn nearly all days an average time of about half an hour. He recognize it in front of me and assured me he is not going to do it again.
    Now I have no way to check if he is telling me the truth.
    How should I proceed?
    Should I insist? With this frecuency could it be considered an adiction?
    I'm lost and feeling sad.
    Thanks again!
     
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you had to discover your husband has been looking at porn. You have every right to feel angry, lost, sad, frustrated, and betrayed. Rest assured that this is not your fault. You did not cause his problem nor make it worse. It is your husband's primary responsibility to seek help to make sure this doesn't happen again. Porn usage destroys trust in a relationship and unless he stops and restores your trust in him then your relationship will continue to be damaged and in need of repair.

    Frequency alone does not determine if someone is an addict. Addiction is characterized by 3 things: 1. compulsive behavior, 2. escalation due to a tolerance build up, and 3. withdrawal symptoms. The frequency shows he is well on his way to addiction.

    An addict cannot make progress by himself and in secret. It takes a program or a plan. It involves taking responsibility and educating themselves about their problem. It requires deep introspection into why porn is so attractive to them. What feelings are they trying to medicate away? It often takes a community of support just as alcoholics need AA.

    Addicts need to take concrete, visible steps to their wives to start to restore trust. It is not your job to be his therapist, his policeman, or his priest. He needs to seek those things from a therapist, an accountability partner, or his priest. You are his wife and he needs to start treating you like someone he treasures and values. He needs to understand that the status quo is no longer acceptable. Fixing it on his own and in secret is not acceptable. Ask him what is he doing to address this problem. If his answer is weak then tell him that what he is trying is not enough to restore trust, continues to hurt you, doesn't fix the relationship, and his odds of having a successful recovery is small.

    Hopefully he is open to an emotional, non-judgmental discussion. If he runs and hides, minimizes, shifts blame, gaslights, gets angry, or justifies his behavior then call him out on his behavior. Make it clear that this behavior absolutely needs to stop or there will be further consequences. Establish boundaries and explain clearly what you expect from him. Follow through on any consequences or he will never respect you.
     
    LizzyBlanca and Deleted Account like this.
  3. Patricia

    Patricia New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot for such a clear answer.
    It helps me to organize my thoughts and to see clearly what maybe I did not wan't to see.
    Now I know how to proceed.
    Thanks for supporting me in this difficult situation.
     
  4. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    Hello Patricia,

    I am sorry to hear of your pain and confusion. I can sympathize as I was actually married to a cheater.

    While their is nothing we can say that can help with the immediate pain, there are things we can offer to help with understanding, and possibly a course of action so you aren't lost.

    As 'I_wanna_get_better1' said, it is important not to feel this as a reflection of you. You have done nothing wrong, nor failed. Many turn to porn simply because they have a high libido, and because they don't wish to burden their partners with all of their wants for sex. They find having that outlet can help them be more patient so that intimacy can happen with their partner at a more spontaneous time, or at a frequency their partner desires most. Looking at porn doesn't automatically mean he desires anything or anyone more than you. Many porn consumers simply have a strong arousal to 'sex', and the videos offer them great diversity and choice.

    I know you are lost and confused, and nothing we can say will ease those feelings, please intellectually accept the idea that you aren't to blame for any of his choices. It's obvious that you care.

    Now to answer your questions, habitual Porn consumption can definitely give rise to issues, or be a sign that other things are wrong. It does sound as if your husband might of been on the fringe. 30 minutes is relatively short amount of time in browsing content, that time would also seem to indicate that he was simply fulfilling his need in the most optimal fashion without dwelling, or chasing 'bigger thrills', but doing so every day does reflect a habitual pattern.

    I would ask you to see beyond the porn, and see the man your husband is as a person. Do you believe he has withheld intimacy, or been less approachable by you? Do you believe he has avoided his responsibilities at times because he was 'busy'? Do you feel he has been covering his behavior with lies? Do you believe his viewing has lead to a fascination with a particular woman, or the concept of a woman other than you?

    If any of those questions are a yes, then you may be dealing with an addict, and someone that needs help to change.

    Now to the plan of action:
    First, no matter what, you've found a secret that was between you, and one that was deeply personal. It's time to communicate, and to keep that communication going. This will allow you to better understand. It's important when you do this communication, to realize that your husband may feel guilt, shame, and a strong sense of insecurity of this. He may have been told all his life that it was 'wrong', and that he we a lesser being for it. When you communicate, you want to encourage him out of that insecurity. To get started, you will need some understanding of 'why', and that isn't the time for either of you to cast judgement, or argue over solutions. In short, it's honesty time, and you will have to realize that despite his habit, he may not have the words to truly offer understanding. Don't get frustrated with that, he may need time, and someone with equal experience before he can fully form those words.

    Next, change only comes to the willing. If he has acknowledge that it's an issue, then it would be important for him to form a plan on how to deal with it. When you have something you do daily, it's not as easy as just saying 'no more'. There will be temptations. Encourage (not demand) him to join this site and look at the videos. The kind people here may help his transition. It may help him in his communication.

    If he is open to change, and willing to be open to you, then you can be an accountability partner. Have him report his usage to you, and if possible you can have him open his computer to you so that you can check and gain some confidence. Again I don't think from the usage of 30 minutes, you will find the following, so don't feel freaked out, but it is important to be aware, that a user of long standing, may have other avenues, which include 'smartphone', 'tablet', 'tv channels', phone services, magazines, printed pics, and (most scary of all 'actual sex workers'). It's time for him to be fully transparent with you, and you will need to look for these things to reassure yourself. (Your discovery was an accident, and not intentional piercing of his privacy, but now that you know, he needs to allow you into that world fully for you to recover.)

    There is an support group specifically for significant others of porn users here on the forum. You may find comfort in receiving support through that. If not, you may want to seek some counseling to discuss your feelings, and what this means to you. (As someone that has been through counseling, I found the activity rather liberating, I had though it was for 'sick' or 'mental' people, but it's for anytime you have challenges in life, and need another mind to help you sort yours.) In any case, this isn't a time to isolate yourself.

    Finally, realize that it is possible that his experience with sex goes back far deeper and longer than your relationship. Some people have formed choices based on incidences while children. While the decision of consuming porn doesn't automatically indicate this, again 30 minutes is pretty light, it's still possible that he has been holding some self doubts you have never actually seen him express, and he may need a safer space to discuss and process this. This means finding an counselor and discussing it there (alone). Don't feel destroyed if that is the case. While marriage is an awesome bond, being a human being may mean he has stuff rattling around in his mind that he doesn't think he could show anyone ever. (we all have these to different degrees).

    (sorry for offering you all the gloom and doom perspective, here is a bit more uplifting)
    There is a chance that his porn consumption is just a reflection of his higher libido. You shouldn't feel threatened by that, nor should you 'try to win' over his libido. But it can offer some exciting potential to grow your relationship. (Please don't automatically jump to this place though. It reeks of trying to compete through sex, and if he has some underlying needs that are going unmet, this will be pointless and empty)

    If he can address your concerns sufficiently, and you can see that this is the case, and feel that there was no subterfuge or other damaging activity going on. There are couples bonding practices which you can engage in to help strengthen your relationship, and possibly relieve the issues of libido. (Before you assume the worse, this does not mean have sex when you don't want to, you should never have sex if you don't want to).

    - There is a practice of scheduled snuggling/cuddling. This can help build intimacy and a sense of connection, and can offer more tangible sensation that that of the porn pics.

    - There is daily communication practice (called FANOS) discussed here, designed to open communication, and express feelings of appreciation, or even bring up concerns (But any communications, and couples bonding practices could be adopted. If you google it, you would be overwhelmed with ideas)

    - (And finally, if you do feel emotionally engaged, and do desire closeness, there are couples practices which allow you to come together in sexual intimacy with out having to prioritize orgasms, or ejaculation. (This doesn't mean give into your husbands desires, or simply be used for sex). These practices are designed to create closeness and pleasure for both, while maintain a emotional connection, and without the need of orgasm or ejaculation as the driving reason. It goes both ways for both of you. There is a practice mentioned often in these forums called 'karazza'. However, this can also be an idea of creating 'his vs. hers.' nights, where you trade nights practicing prioritizing each others needs through whatever request. (There is no right and wrong way to do this, just as long as you can feel that it's creating a happy connection). Again google it, but all those practices are usually only successful if full and healthy communication can occur.
     
    PornTSD likes this.
  5. Patricia

    Patricia New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot for the explanations.
    After analysing and answering to the questions you proposed I conclude he is in the starting phase of his adiction.
    I was not able since first conversation we had, to speak again about it (maybe is due to the shame we booth feel) but I clearly understand that communication is the first step to try to solve this situation.
    Now thanks to all your advices I think I'm well prepared to start a deeper conversation. Depending on his reactions I will have to decide the way forward.
    Thanks for the support, without your help I would be completely lost.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  6. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    I hope your time has brought you peace.

    We are here if you need any further sanity checks or perspectives.
     

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