Who am I becoming?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kitty lover, Feb 24, 2019.

  1. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    This is my first post - feeling hopeless and desperate.

    Sorry for the novel...

    After 3 years together, a few months ago I discovered my 28yo SO has a porn/masturbating addiction.

    He's in the military & I am a flight attendant- our jobs and long stints apart have probably been a huge contributor.

    There were always red flags of uncontrollable looking at other women, lack of interest in sex with me, ED , socially awkward with women- all the usual suspects.

    So there was almost relief amongst the pain when he admitted there was a problem the first time 3 months ago. I had answers.

    My esteem took a huge blow - a problem I'm aware is my own. I am often told I am very attractive , however not getting any sexual gratification from my SO was really wearing me down.

    He saw a counsellor, I saw a therapist to help with my shattered confidence. He promised to stop, or come to me if he struggled again.

    He didn't.
    Last week I discovered after using his ipad that he had a porn binge one weekend last month while I was away.

    Throughout the week he reluctantly drip fed me more information which eventually revealed that he had replaced his porn addiction with social media images, girl's in lingerie etc and masturbating alot to this while I was away working.

    The final straw yesterday morning was him admitting he had masturbated to images of our friends on Facebook . Unfortunately for me, I had seen his recent searches and photo views not so long ago. So immediately knew who- and feel crushed that they are people he spends time with.

    I told him to leave.
    I couldn't face him and believe he needs to be on his own while he sorts himself out.

    Angry, jealous, sad, inadequate, disgust, betrayed- just a few of the emotions I'm feeling on this rollercoaster and I'm sure all SO can relate to these feelings.

    His willingness to get serious help is definitely giving me hope. He's joined this page, got therapy this week, accountability partner and agreed to abstain competely from pmo. He's rebooting.

    My fears that he's doing these things, and apologetic because " hes been caught " are giving me a hard time.
    If on both occasions, I hadn't of intervened he would still be at large ( so to speak).

    Am I right not to trust he will come to me next time?
    Has any one else experienced their SO masturbating to 'real people '?
    Is it because he has feelings for them?
    Is it even forgivable?

    Will he stop perving at other women after he reboots ?

    I have alot to work through with my own confidence and breathing space right now is best for the both of us.

    I hope with time I feel comfortable enough to move forward.

    Its good to be a part of something where people can relate to my problem- my good friends want to help me but struggle to understand.
  2. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi GhostWriter,
    I cannot thank you enough for your detailed and informative reply. All of your replies are things I want to hear, don't want to hear - but most importantly need to hear, especially from an unbiased source.

    So the situation currently is that I have asked SO to leave for a while.

    By leave- he is staying at his parents empty house for an unspecified time. He knows I'm too upset to be around him at the moment and need some space to think things through . We are both miserable apart- but I think this feeling of misery right now is going to be a huge motivation for his recovery.

    Yes he is now on here- he posted earlier today.

    Yes I entirely agree, and we have both put ideas together to help with his addiction.
    We will sit down and discuss clear boundaries and consequences.
    His idea to reboot, abstain from pmo and sex initially.

    To be honest this is all very new, and no- I don't understand all of it. But I am here and trying my best to!

    Yes I do very much. Deep down I know we will get through this- its going to be very hard for us both. My emotions are speaking more volumes than rational thought in the past few days- but no doubt I'll deal with them how I need to.

    I truly do believe we are just two nice people, in love, who have this horrible mountain to climb together before we can live at the top.
    Musashi and ItsNeverTooLate like this.
  3. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    So its been a few weeks since the shit storm blew everything apart, and I can honestly say I'm not feeling any better about some of it. You could even say worse.

    Theres the porn relapse- I have moved on from this mentally, and can rationalise and understand it. Definitely fear when it's going to next strike again- but have dealt with my anxiety there. I can confidently support him in this department.

    Theres also the psubs ( women dressed in lingerie etc) . Those seemed perfectly understandable and practical also. Obviously a bad habit that needed to stop- but one I have come to terms with.

    Then, theres the workmate of his who's image he used to masturbate. His friends. Our friends. The beautiful mutual friend he met once and went to town over. This shit absolutely cuts like a knife and I feel dirty by association.

    I can't sleep , and when I do I have nightmares most nights about them.
    My back and neck aches with pain when he's around me. I'm tense.
    I had a full blown panick attack last night for the first time in years. I still can't look him in the eye. I can be a moody jealous bitch to be around. I feel like he's a stranger at times and I'm scared of how badly he can hurt me emotionally.

    This is not me or how I want to live my life. I hate the person I am becoming. I hear myself saying these ridiculous things and I can't stop myself. I'm embarrassed of the way I am acting, and hate how weak I am being with this. I have been through some big things in my life, without feeling fear or sorry for myself- and for some reason this one seems to take the cake.

    Is this my future if we continue? Will weak ugly person I've become continue to sabotage our relationship?

    I want to be supportive and give my partner the help he needs- but I can't get over this yet. I can't get on with my day happily knowing he's at work with one of them.

    How can I make peace with this?
    Does anyone have experience in this department?

    My SO left for a week after everything came out. Hes back here now and we have great moments together still - but never entire days where I can keep my shit together and cry feeling completely horrible.

    He's been PM free, I trust that he's on the right track and is genuinely giving it all his best. We have set boundaries & consequences. He has an accountability partner.

    We have taken all the right steps which makes it feel like its me causing the problems around here now. I have moments of panic thinking he'd be better off without me moping around.

    I'm truly trying my best to curve my insecure thoughts, jealousy, depression.
    Helps, tips, advice please!!

    I know this isn't about me, I've been told x2580964 times.

    Still desperately waiting for time to heal on this one.
    The truth is, its still going to bother me years down the track.
    I wish I didn't know about it. But I do, and its a complete game changer for me.

    Thanks for reading my second novel.
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
    Musashi likes this.
  4. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    It's so funny, just five minutes ago I thought about Kermit the Frog, and that he really is the ultimate man, and that I should change my profile picture to one of Ms Piggy. Then I saw your post!

    It's really heartbreaking to read what you have been through, I'm so, so sorry. I doubt that you are a "moody jealous bitch" to be around, in fact, you sound like a very reasonable woman who has been very poorly treated by the man who is suppose to serve and protect you. It looks as if you have come quite far though; you have managed to get him to admit his problem and to actively seek help. You are both young from what I've understand and will hopefully have many lovely years in front of you once he kicks this habit for good.

    As I'm sure you know, it's very common for spouses to feel extremely depressed, even to the point of being suicidal. Every little reminder of what has happened turn the SO into a basket case. The trauma has occured on a neurological level, and your brain, like his, must now heal and regrow. It needs to "unlearn" the old reality and adapt to the new. This is of course an excruciatingly painful experience, but also one that will leave you stronger than ever before. It will take months, but you will move past this.

    One thing that helped me tremendously was looking at brain scans of people suffering from pornography addiction and realizing that at some point, these people stop being themselves. They have literally lost grey matter in their own brains that prevents them from seing the glaring truth, which is the extent of their inappropriate, compulsive behaviour. The PA doesn't feel remorse, he doesn't feel empathy for the ones he hurt, he is in a state where he is basically incapable of that. If you browse the forums, you will see accounts from people that have spent hours compulsively watching all kinds unsavoury stuff that repulse them, just because they can not quit. It helps to be able to seperate the person from the addiction. In your progress of healing, you will probably have many personal "aha"-moments that helps you to understand and to build up a new you. Be sure to enlist as many people as you can in your journey, and never be afraid to vent or seek advice for anything. Therapy is good. Anything that helps you sleep is also beneficial.

    I suffered from terrible nightmares myself. Three months after the discovery of my husbands secrets, I managed to stop crying all day but I still had horrible nightmares to the point of not knowing what to do. Switching coffee for green tea, which has less caffeine and inhibits cortisol production, has proven to be of great help.

    I sincerely wish you all the best!
    LuxPerpetua and Kitty lover like this.
  5. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi again,

    Its been a few months since my last post and things went from bad to okay- to worse, to back to okay.

    My partner has ( apparently) been months without PMO. I am very proud of him for that. I have been as supportive as I possibly can be in this field.

    The hardest part for us has been the other people/ subjects of his M ( our friends) . We have missed alot of social events trying to avoid these women, and even encountered one accidentally which blew me to pieces.

    Our other huge problem ( for me the worst) was discovering a few weeks ago that he still fabtasizes about these women while having sex with me. ( he stupidly google searched "how to stop thinking of other people during sex".)
    He admitted he still thinks of these women- pretending Im them during sex etc etc. I haven't stopped crying in three weeks. I still can't sleep most nights. The nightmares are back/ there were suicidal thoughts- and this time I have lost my friends support. The only two people I have told have said that breakup is for the best.

    So, its been months and months of really thinking we were making such good progress- but it almost feels like a lie now knowing he only got through sex with me by pretending I'm them.

    I just can't understand why he can't switch off this crush/ obsession with these people. One in particular bothers me the most as I would consider her a good friend of his and I had been jealous of the attention he had given her in the past ( Before I knew this!).

    He saw how hurt / upset I was upon first discovery he thought of her that way. He seemed so genuinely ashamed and I truly believed he had got those thoughts of her out of his system. This time knowing he flavoured thinking of her, over me naked infront of him makes me wish I could be strong enough to walk away.

    My therapist urges me not to make any extreme decisions while I'm still so emotional. So I'm sticking around, some days better than others.

    Tomorrow I'm taking my partner on a work trip to Rarotonga, LA and then Vegas for a few nights. We will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary. I wish I could be more excited right now, but I just feel so sad, nervous and angry.
    I don't think he deserves such a good life with me at the moment.

    My emotions are all over the place but I'm getting better at hiding them from him.

    So my questions are, why- after ALL of this time ( 7 months atleast!) is he still crushing over these women !

    How often do men fantasize that they are with other people during sex? ( I have never done it in this relationship). Only in past relationships when I was unhappy.

    Can you really be so sexually drawn to someone you know so well , while you are in a relationship?

    Has anyone else had similar experiences?

    I really am starting to believe this attraction is more than just sexual.

    Its gone from P& M in my absence - to actually thinking of these people in my presence too.

    My heart is completely utterly broken, ( what was left of it!)

    Thanks for listening,
    Lostneverland likes this.
  6. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi again.

    I suppose my increase in posts around here suggests I'm struggling.
    My partner is sitting at nearly 150 days pm free, and as I write here everytime- I am proud. I am proud. I. AM. PROUD.
    I try so hard to convince myself that I am- but there's alot of mixed emotions.
    I'm resentful, I'm jealous, tired and exhausted from lack of sleep. Im sick of living like this.

    I need to be a better support for my partner but I just can't get my emotions in check half of the time.

    We just had, what should have been an amazing trip away together- and it mostly was.
    I had major anxiety about being in such busy places ( Santa Monica pier, Las Vegas strip etc) with my partner who has struggled with ogling in the past. I caught him looking at girls a few times and I felt like I had been hit by a truck.
    Its like he can't let any female walk past him without having the urge to look. If hes walking behind me ( which he seems to have a tendency to do) - I spot him doing it in reflections, or it can be very obvious by the look that approaching females give him. ( the same look I give men walking with their partner's who look at me!!).

    Has anyone got any success stories how to deal with these situations? I can't not go out in public with him, but I'm feeling more and more inclined to avoid certain situations and this is not how I want our life to be dictated.

    We talk about it from time to time, and hes admitted he used to undress with eyes but my partner really believes he's now trying his best. He denies doing it on basically every occasion I've been upset.
    I never see him looking at men, or older women with the same expression- so surely I'm not crazy?
    Now I'm even starting to question if I'm really catching him do it, or its just my traumatised mind playing tricks on me.

    Can't he just be out with me, and ME only enjoying our holiday together.

    Anyway, theres that social anxiety-

    And there's still the fantasy anxiety.

    The newly established fear of who / what he's thinking about during sex.

    He had blatantly lied to me about doing this, so finding out for myself a few weeks ago has really stirred up the dishonesty pot.
    What else hasn't he told me. Dishonesty wasn't going to be tolerated around here- yet I feel like I've just accepted it again.

    I've been pretty hard on myself lately, and I'm working on tactics to try to pick myself back up when my daily life is effected by this mess. The mood swings go from blissfully happy , to crippling pain where I can't even find motivation to leave the house.

    Ohwell, todays rant over- any thoughts, advice regarding ogling and fantasys during sex?
    Ive read every article/ ebook the internet can offer. Alot suggest that fantasys during sex, and looking at females is normal- Which doesn't help me feel sane.

    Have a great weekend :)
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I cannot help about the fantasies during sex; I've read about it often on these forums but it is not something that happened to me. I can help with the ogling stuff. I've been keeping a list of useful threads about ogling. The list is buried in my journal post here. I think the one you may find most uplifting is the one I just added. It's quite old (from June 2017), but really shows how genuine recovery can turn these seemingly automatic responses into something far more healthy. It is @Strength And Light's thread A Quick Peek Into Day 308
    Kitty lover likes this.
  8. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Another day, another new piece of information trickled out 8 months on.
    My partner had been dealing with fantasies during sex as I wrote above a few weeks ago, which is still really upsetting for me.
    Last night he admitted he's sought advice on how to stop daydreaming about sex with people throughout the day aswell.
    I asked who & what (praying that it would just be an overall 'sex' thought) - or no one in particular. Sadly its the people he encounters in everyday life. He couldn't give specific answers as he knows how badly it would effect me. He had a very blasè attitude about it- and said he wouldn't have mentioned it if he knew he would be 'crucified '.

    Im sure he's under the impression that its normal for men to do these things.

    The thing is, he is addicted to objectifying women and P. He prioritised and favoured PM for the first few years of our relationship. He argue's sometimes that he looks at women the least out of his friends. Well hello, his friends haven't rolled a stream train over their partners esteem and wellbeing. His friends haven't rejected their partners night and night again for a preference to something that's not real. His friends partners have absolutely no reason to feel threatened by a sexual thought towards another woman. I miss that feeling of safety in a relationship.

    He had been working so hard on stopping ogling, so this just seems like such a setback.

    I am starting to feel like I don't know him any more, like this man I have devoted myself to is a complete stranger. I don't trust his intent or words.

    I feel like an unwelcome guest in my own relationship.
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2019
  9. testwarz

    testwarz Fapstronaut

    Without wanting to cast doubt or make assumptions, how do you know he is PMO free ? As someone who has been PMO free 56 days ultra hard mode - I see an amazing difference in myself - and if I were in you (former) PA's shoes I would either completely devote to you in the way that you yearn - or let you go so that you can find someone who deserves you...

    How has he changed since he has been 'PMO free'?

    For me:

    Gym 6 times a week
    Yoga 4 times a week
    Voice way deeper
    Skin glowing - eyes very bright
    eye circles 2/3 gone
    Stomach fat reducing 75%
    Dropped 18 lbs
    More assertive socially and physically

    I do have a flatline now, and I am single, but have been asked on a date 2 times in the last 3 weeks - but I subtly turned them down due to prioritising my reboot

    BTW - for a strict PMO - fantasizing is completely off the table, let alone ppl in your social circle!
    Kitty lover likes this.
  10. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi @testwarz !

    Thanks for your reply.

    I believe he's PM free as I occasionally check his devices and take his word for it. Theres always that 1% doubt but the benefits of nofap speak volumes-

    Our sex has improved greatly ( even more so now he's trying his best not to think of other people).

    He's far more proactive on his days off, exercising etc.

    Has lost weight- tummy fat too! Could be related to the extra exercise.

    Yes agreed the fantasy stuff should be completely off the cards, until the last few days/ weeks I had no idea his brain even thought that way so it wasn't completely discussed.

    I'm beginning to wonder if he's even capable of mental fidelity? He claims that his lack of sexual partners before me influences his behaviours. If that's the case I have grave concerns for how its going to look down the track.
    Maybe he needs to accept that he isn't ready to settle?

    Could drive myself bonkers with all these questions and theories.
  11. testwarz

    testwarz Fapstronaut

    Well it does indeed sound like he is clean! Tummy fat is reduced via exercise due to higher testosterone from no pmo. Seems he has deeper issues/damage from pmo days which needs healing
    Kitty lover likes this.

Share This Page