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Why Am I Resenting My Wife? (No Benefits During Reboot)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by RJack1986, Mar 24, 2016.

  1. RJack1986

    RJack1986 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys, I wanted to bring something up that I haven't seen covered elsewhere. I have been trying to quit porn, even before my wife and I met. I've been using for over 20 years... Unfortunately, I carried it into my relationship. I have been married 3 years now. It was never a hidden struggle, just something we tried to work on together. At first she was cool about it and was very supportive, just happy that I acknowledged the problem. But as years went by, with relapse after relapse, it took a toll on her and eventually I stopped being so transparent. My biggest issue is that after about a month into a reboot, I become overwhelmed with urges to flirt with other women. This is when I usually relapse, because I am so afraid of cheating on my wife! Perhaps it's the effect of constant novelty, but I am terrified of what I am capable of. In my reboots, I hardly feel any benefits, because they are overshadowed by this fear of moral failure. As a result, I have sensed bitterness and resentment towards my wife during reboots. Is this just normal irritability? Any time I search for "spousal resentment in porn addiction" it's always the wife hating the using husband... I know that I love my wife... I even have a son on the way! I have no desire to leave my wife. Our marriage is wonderful (except for what I'm dealing with). But this nagging temptation to flirt which accompanies my sobriety (that is numbed with porn) freaks me out. Can anyone offer any experience, strength, or hope?
    himmelstoss likes this.
  2. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Perhaps the urges are strong as it is your addiction struggling to get its fix? It could be the monster in your head talking and once you have done a decent amount of time porn free, then you perhaps won't have these overwhelming urges? I am not an addict but it sounds like what happen in the reboot process for many people.

    Reading between the lines in your post, i so could be very off with this point of view - I think you should have a think about why you are feeling resentful to your wife. Are you blaming her for making you quit porn? Do you really want to give it up? Who are you going through this recovery for? Perhaps rather than thinking about this being your wife making you go through the recovery process, flip this to something you want to do for you, to make you a healthier and better person?

    As for offering hope, take a look at the success stories. So many people have found ways to lead better, more fulfilling lives without being stuck hiding away and jerking off to pixels.

    You have more than enough to focus on and give you inspiration to leave porn behind. You are about to be a father (again?). Think about being the best example possible to your child. Someone he/she can look up to and admire. Be the best person you could possibly be so that you can raise your child to be happy, healthy and successful. If you love them and want the best for them, this is the best present you could give them.

    Be strong.
    Ikindaknew likes this.
  3. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut


    At first, your wife seemed ok with your addiction, not so much now right? This is what happened to me too. She was ok with it for over 15 years until the bubble did burst. But she finally said that deep within herslef, she had a beef against me because I was PMO'ing, all along. She felt less sexy and desirable and she was getting a low-sex drive and low self-esteem out of it.

    I was really pissed at her for not giving me more sex. Now I realize that it did ALWAYS BOTHERED HER one way or another. Now, we are having a lot more sex, and better sex too!

    You might be irritable because that she told you have to stop. Stopping watching porn forces you to re-invent yourself, make an effort. You are now that ostrich without sand to hide your head in...your are out in the open. This is most likely why you are feeling resentment.

    Now, what is that urge to flirt with other women? Can you please dig into this and come up with the possible sources of that attraction?

    ***all suppositions and/or leads/food for thoughts***

    -Do you feel sex-starved with your wife right now? Do you have what you feel you need? Are you missing something (like a fetish desire).
    -Do you have the tendency to fall in love with every lady that is good to you?
    -Are you objectifying women, so every girl with a smile and a nice body is desirable to you?

    Beware of the coolidge effect, its one of the nastiest effect caused by porn. But when you think about it, coolidge also hits the men who seek novelty in sex with or whithout the porn addiction problem attached.

    Adultery (or the thoughts about doing it) existed before mainstream porn existed. What's in it for you?

    Please participate so we can assist you better! No better thing than a brainstorming session to bring new ideas!
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2016
    ClearChrystal and TheWife like this.
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    I too have trouble seeing tangible signs of improvement during my reboot. Young, single people have the most obvious signs of improvement. But us older, married men do not see anything like they see. Our changes happen over much longer periods of time. And we're not running out to bars, hooking up with women, and looking for signs of improvement in our sexual performance as empirical evidence of being cured.

    As long time addicts we are masters of altering our moods. Whenever we feel anything negative we used to turn to porn to make ourselves feel better. We have to find alternate ways to feel better without porn. Sometimes we might turn to other unhealthy behavior to feel better. Does your flirtatious behavior happen when you feel bad? Are you getting a rush of chemicals that makes you happier when you flirt? Do you enjoy the rush that comes from the chase?

    Another reason people act out is because they have feelings of low self-esteem. PMO masks those feelings. Now that you are naked to those feelings. Do you flirt with women to make yourself feel feel better? Do you feel more manly? Do you need their praise, admiration, compliments, or attention to feel better?

    During my reboot I have had very strong bouts of anger and periods of irritability, especially when I'm feeling uncomfortable and unable to change my mood. Associated with that I have felt unlovable, unworthy of forgiveness, and depressed. Then comes the desire to push those who are close to me away. What is the root of your uncomfortable feelings and the anger you feel towards your wife?

    Lastly, I can see the unhealthy logic of turning to PMO to relieve the pressure so that you don't commit adultery. It is a lesser evil. It is a compromise. But it is one of the LIES that you are telling yourself to justify a behavior you know you need to give up.

    Recovery is a long road with many phases. The tentacles of our addiction reach into every part of our lives and affects behavior we didn't expect to be connected with PMO. You keeping hitting your 1 month wall. You need to push through it and work on the issues that come at that stage of recovery. Do some self-analysis and get to the root of your feelings. Stop putting yourself in situations where you can openly flirt. If it's a known trigger then you need to avoid it like the plague. Don't trade one unhealthy behavior for another. Learn to alter your feelings in healthy ways. Us old dogs need to learn new tricks.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2016
  5. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    I think my husband is feeling a lot of this too. It causes him to act out towards me. I think the main thing to remember, is that you're not gods gift to women. You may feel like you want to go explore other waters. You may feel like you're missing out. But don't forget that you're just a normal man. With the added problem of a pmo issue that I'm sure affects your sexual prowess, and your ability to build decent emotional atattchments.

    Sorry to be blunt but right now, you're no catch. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to damage your self esteem by putting you down. You're no worse than anyone else. We are all damaged. No human being is more worthy than another on the face of things.

    I think maybe you're desiring the fantasy. To live in a world where you are the shit and all the ladies fall over themselves to be with you. Its understandable. We'd all like to be perfect. We'd all like to live in a world where we are adored and no one can see the scars. Unfortunately, that isn't real.

    Sort to ramble but I'm struggling to understand my husband's issues and give you my insight into whays going on at a subconscious level. It is escapism, and it is part of the reason we become addicted to porn, alcohol, drugs, video games etc. It is the constant desire to be someone else, somewhere else. Grasping desperately for a perfect life. Learn to see the joy in what you have. The grass is never greener. And I'm sure your wife has thought about packing her bags and finding herself another man.

    The main thing to try and remember is that the resentment you feel is all you. Your wife has done nothing wrong. It's not her fault you're going through this. You have done this to yourself. Hard truth time. Forget about trying to find another source for your discomfort. Face this head on and beat it. Accept that you have The power to change this for yourself.

    I hope I'm not being too harsh but that's how I feel anyway. Best of luck.
  6. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

    This might be my favorite of all your posts @DireMerl Well said!
  7. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    I wonder if the OP will ever come back.
  8. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

    What is OP an abbreviation for?
  9. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    Original poster I think. Maybe he posted in a moment of anger and feels bad.
  10. CountryDude

    CountryDude Fapstronaut

    Maybe your brain is trying to search for novelty.

    Maybe you are genuinely dissatisfied with the women you ended up with (after the fog of porn wore off).
  11. wanabefree

    wanabefree Fapstronaut

    Have you asked yourself why you have a desire to flirt with these other women? What do you seek from this flirting and what results are you hoping for?

    Is there a possibility that your flirtatiousness is linked to your porn addiction?

    Abstaining from PMO for a long period of time is not easy to achieve. Usually there are triggers that make you want and desire to PMO. Eliminating these triggers would make your NOFAP journey more smoother.:)

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