Why am I 'socially boring' and why do I have low self esteem?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by YellowBlob64, Sep 26, 2021.

  1. YellowBlob64

    YellowBlob64 Fapstronaut

    Whenever I am with a few friends in the car, or I happened to be left alone with a mate on a discord call or even just outside with nothing to do, hell, even when with random people or people I'm mutual friends, I always feel as though I have nothing to say. I feel like I am a boring person to talk to, my friends have told me that. That I never initiate conversation. Despite as hard as I think about something to talk about, I always feel as though I have nothing to say. My response typically devolve into "huh man that's weird" "oh yeah that's kinda cool" "haha that's neat" etc. you get the idea. Unless we are in a debate where I can bring a new perspective to an idea or a philosophical conversation where we discuss something an idea in detail, I feel as though I am quite a boring person. Despite having multiple hobbies, more than most people. Some of my hobbies and interests include: aviation, soccer, guitar, ping pong, video games, medium distance running, walking my dog, hiking (going to start getting into it) and self-help books.

    A lot of people I know generally have quite fewer hobbies, maybe gym, soccer and music. Or maybe I just don't know them enough. Yet they seem to have a lot to talk about.

    It's just really hard for me to talk to people or even have social contact with people. I don't know if I can call it anxiety or just shyness or something else. I find it a big struggle to keep my eyes straight when walking down the street toward people, a lot of the time I need to divert my vision to avoid eye contact or being perceived as looking at people so I usually dart my eyes around my surroundings or stare at the floor. The incel posture.

    Despite having a somewhat diverse skillset, I find my self-esteem is very low. Sometimes I even think I have Asperger's or mild autism because I see the way I am postured in photos (i.e. limp wrists or floating hands for no reason, looking down alot, avoiding eye contact, etc.) Regardless of this, I am unsure if my low self esteem is causing my social anxiety, or vice versa, or maybe both. But I do not know how to fix this, and please do not say "just talk to people" because that's like saying to someone with schizophrenia to stop thinking the radio is talking to them (it doesn't fix the issue).

    I am currently on day 23 of my 31 day goal of hard core NoFap and don't feel that much has changed aside from feeling much cleaner, more time in my day and a cleaner headspace (not feeling like I should have another wank every hour of the day). Alot of what people say surrounding confidence and social skills increasing from NoFap largely feels like a farce but I am aware that NoFap isn't some magical healer and improver, it's what you do with the extra time you have.

    Even though I'm a reasonably intelligent guy I still feel very insecure and ill-confident. I think this is due to my looks as I feel as though I am not a very good looking person, or even ugly for that matter, which I don't know how true that is, but my mates say I'm a decent looking bloke. I've spoken to my school counsellor too but they have been quite useless in terms of boosting my self-esteem, sure I can ignore negative thoughts, but this hasn't led to me feeling any more confident or increase my self-esteem.

    I feel like I'm autistic and retarded, low self-esteem, socially awkward and unconfident. How does one feel confident? Any tips?
    Future Bloomer likes this.
  2. determined99

    determined99 Fapstronaut

    How should a good person live according to you? Live as you would like and you will feel confident.
    Stand_in_Defiance likes this.
  3. Future Bloomer

    Future Bloomer Fapstronaut

    As a former socially awkward person I can relate a lot to your story. Yes, hearing the advice "just talk to people" is also like telling someone that can't swim to just go into the water more times lol

    The truth is practice is very helpful IF you somewhat know what to do. Luckily for us there are people who actually did research on how to become more sociable. We don't have to reinvent the wheel and spend a lifetime trying to figure it out by ourselves.

    Realizing how terrible my social skills were, my best friend recomend me a book that was very helpful to him. It's called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Reading and applying the concepts of this book changed my life, seriously. It's not one of those lame self-help books with lots of generic inspirational quotes and few actual knowledge. This book is packed with easy to apply concepts that make every conversation better. After reading it I became way more present and responsive while talking with people. Although I am still an introvert (it's simply my nature) I can now have a nice conversation with anyone at anytime, which has made me more confident.

    Here are other things that also helped me with my confidence:

    Becoming fit.

    I used to be very skinny and weak. Always hunched over. Didn't want to do any exercise because I thought that was for "gym rats" and "assholes". No wonder somebody so judgmental had very low confidence lol. I decided to eat away my pride and start exercising. As the days passed and the results started to appear I became more confident. It doesn't matter if most gym bros are lifting heavier weights. Seeing my progression makes me happy and more confident.

    If you can't go to the gym, I suggest one of those free home exercise apps. I was able to have good results with them too.

    Changing my apperiance.

    I used to look somewhat like an emo. I would wear skinny jeans, hipster glasses and had bangs on my hair. Our apperiance will impact how we are treated and how we view ourselves. It may seem silly, but dressing in a more masculine and elegant way was a good confidence boost. It was definitely worth the investment.

    So there you go, those were the things that helped me become more confident. I may not have become an extrovert, but I'm today on a way better position than of my tennage years. I hope it may be helpful to you :)
  4. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    I probably have no room to talk, as I have not had a ton of success in the social arena with friends or girls. Actually, I've done okay with friends. I'm physically fit, relatively athletic, and half-ways attractive, and I still struggle, so I think there's more to it than that. In my case, which is simply that--my case, it comes down to beating the fear. Albert Ellis is a big name in the psychotherapy realm and is a proponent of the exposure therapy method. He used it himself to get over social anxiety as seen here (under the Origins of REBT section): http://www.rebtnetwork.org/ask/may06.html. Simply put, the more you expose yourself to a situation, or anything really, the better you get at handling it. In other words, you learn. And most people can at least do that (i.e. learn from experience). Have I done this? No. I've been a pussy. I have some delusion of making myself "worth loving" before putting myself out there. It's recently caused a lot of suicidal ideation because I'll probably never meet my own standards of being worth loving. So self esteem is an issue.
    If it's not fear and is seriously not knowing what to talk about, you can do one of two things: talk exhaustively about the other person (ask numerous questions regarding what person said previously, and as they continue talking, continue asking questions on what they just said...in other words, be curious about the other persons life). Most people like to talk about themselves, and that's how I've survived this long. Or, second, you can go out and do interesting things. Go to a movie. Go read a book. Go do some crazy physical feat of some sort. Go to a special restaurant. Then talk about it with someone. The more detail, the better. Then they can ask you questions about it. Conversation does not solely rely on you. The other person has to make an effort too.
    That's my two cents for what they're worth. Again, I struggle in my own ways, and chances are you are more socially adept and more confident than me. But I hope to God I can give you a run for your money in the near future ;)
  5. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

    My man, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that 90% of the reason you feel the way you do is that you are a 17 year old human male with zero life experience. Don't sweat it. We were all 17 once. Internalize the following if you can: there is not anything wrong with me. Pick one of your hobbies and start investing a lot more time and energy into it than the others. I suggest the guitar but I am biased because I play and you mentioned it. Porn is a cope. Break the habit now. You do not want to wake up in your 30s only to realize that you spent most of your teens and the better part of your 20s beating off while looking at a screen. Learn how to take the lead in your own life and sooner or later other people will start to follow.
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2021
    Half Dime likes this.
  6. TrueSaiyan2.0

    TrueSaiyan2.0 Fapstronaut

    Well first off I can admit myself in saying I’m the same way. I was at a wedding this past weekend and I could only talk to the buddies I knew. I felt extremely awkward at first being put by a table where I knew nobody. But eventually I just asked questions. I never travel out of town for social purposes.

    Asking questions got me some where to the point where I had a girl that was dating a guy come back and talk to me about life. She ended up being very friendly and I felt a sense of just meeting somebody new that was nice.

    So first just ask questions: It never hurts to want to know something about someone. The worst thing that can happen is that they don’t respond or care. 8 times out of 10 you’ll get an answer.

    One more thing you could is work on your Solar Plexus Chakra. Working on this area has made me more confident in myself especially talking with Woman. You’ll also be confident in other areas on your life. For about a month I would Meditate on this area. You’ll feel a warmth sensation around your stomach and that’s a good sign. :)

    Next is your Throat Chakra. Maybe there may perhaps be a block. But if you meditate here after a few days you may notice a different tone in your voice. More stern and stable.

    I’ve been doing meditations for years and it does play a huge help. Listening to frequencies will also benefit.

    Aside from that: Me and you are alike. I was always the silent awkward one in High School, but I had friends. Never knew what to say other then cool, that’s funny, or let’s do that. Or game with a friend. Most of the time I would talk with people only from being around somebody I knew otherwise I wouldn’t of talked to them.

    Hope this helps. If you have more questions answer away. :)
    YellowBlob64 likes this.
  7. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

    Holy F, I didn't realize you were 17. If that's the case, I may be a bit more confident than you. So my advice changes somewhat. I think EVERYONE is super insecure in high school. And confidence stems from having a sense of value and being able to bring something to the social table. The "social marketplace" if you will, where people make exchanges daily. If you don't have a ton to offer, you will feel insecure and not that confident. One recommendation I would recommend at this stage in life is learning about finances. Not many schools provide adequate financial education and I think that is a dang shame. I can attest to the fact that simply improving your wealth (not saying I'm a millionaire or anything) will boost your confidence. But maybe I only think that because I'm older and finances are more of a reality. One book I would recommend reading is Your Money or Your Life. Also look into YouTube videos like Graham Stephan, Andrei Jikh, White Board Finance, etc. Look into the FIRE movement. Outside of finances, learn any cool motor skill, like juggling or riding a unicycle. That's always a conversation starter. Learn. That is the best advice I can give. At 17, the world is your oyster, man. Any cool random facts you can bring to the table as conversation starters, do it. But you have to learn them first. Going along with the dude's post above me, Altered Traits is a good book on the benefits of meditation (researched based book, so it's a bit of a dry read). Read it and then discuss it with friends. Start a book club. Man... to be 17 again... jealous. Going along with what Mr. Buddhism said, take advantage of the time you have. Along with learning, that's some solid advice. Just about any door is open to you at this point. I'll be cheering you on! Man. High school. Those were the days. Some things I miss. Some things I definitely do not :emoji_laughing:
    YellowBlob64 and Robinthehood like this.
  8. Robinthehood

    Robinthehood Fapstronaut

    Being ok with being quiet is OK! People talk too much anyway, mostly about trifling topics. Maybe you prefer to save your energy for conversations that mean something?
    Perhaps joining some groups of the hobbies and interests that you have. Being a group or team is great at building self confidence. You may begin to feel as a needed member of the group with knowledge that other people may want to ask you about.
    As for your posture, you can simply try and change it. Having bad posture is terrible for your physical health anyway. So try standing with a straight back, chest out, shoulders back and head up. The feeling is immediate, you will feel like a guy with a purpose and others around you will whether they choose it or not will see you as a guy with a purpose, with confidence.
  9. GermanGladiator

    GermanGladiator Fapstronaut

    The most important thing is that you see you self as a king in your own kindom. Just be your self and dont think you can say anything wrong. Than you will see that you can talk with everybody without any problem.
    Robinthehood likes this.
  10. WelcomeToReality

    WelcomeToReality Fapstronaut


    Problem I have, my intellect is quite above my friends and I sometimes really getting bored by most of them. Only one of them interested to rockets, artificial intelligence, and simulation theories, where I can talk for hours. But I think it's always best not to fake the conversation, but try to find anything genuine interesting, and it's done only by making questions and carefully listening people . Everyone likes to talk about themself, so easiest question could be anything about them.
    HitB likes this.

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