Why can't I be alone, like before?

Hey brother. How long between relationships?

 

I wish I was happy when I’m alone. Every time I see happy couples outside, it makes me feel unwanted and inferior.

 

So has the second relationship helped or is that when things started to go downhill? I’m still a little confused on the timeline of events so correct me. I’m not saying at all that it’s your current significant other’s fault. But perhaps there should have been more time between relationships. Giving yourself time to know who you are without being with someone. Maybe that is why you feel like you need to cling to others for happiness(?). I can kind of relate to that. And you are NOT useless, brother.

 

Maybe you put your happiness in other person's hands. Whereas in the past you had it in your control. It's easy to put people on a pedestal, sometimes we even do it unconsciously.

 

Ok I see. I agree with DM10. It has happened to me.

So something I have realized is that some people only want you around when it is convenient for them. It is horrible, but that is unfortunately where we fail each other in relationships/friendships sometimes. It’s a shame. Not to sound cliche, but you’re not alone in feeling lonely bro. It’s just a season. You’re 21, right? Man these are the times where you start realizing who your true friends are. Who will be there when you need them and you’ll do the same. But it’s not over night. I’m almost 30 and can relate to what you’re going through. But you’re going through it, not staying there. As far as the porn goes, if you haven’t already, reach out for an AP. It could help talking with others, and not just about porn. I know it hurts now brother, but it’ll pass. Again, you are NOT useless.

 

How are you spending your time when you are alone? Walk us through an average day.

 

sound like depression, you could try reading one of those books where these guys go on isolated place and see what it is like for them to be alone.

 

I have struggled mightily to get my life on track for the last 17 years with varying degrees of success. From 17 to 21 I was barely even trying. I just didn’t know how. The most important thing you can do is start making new friends. Without people who can relate to your experiences you don’t have much hope of gaining traction. Just the same, without building productive routines for your time alone you won’t have the capacity to make new friends. Come at it from both angles. Self-care feeds the search for friendship. Friendships motivate self care. Theres a virtuous circle there that elevates anyone who makes the effort to figure out how.

 

An AP is an accountability partner. If you feel the urge or just need to talk/vent, he will hopefully be there to listen and you can hold each other accountable when you look or want to look at porn.

 

Look, my friend, I have a few thoughts, maybe they will help.

The way I see this problem is not with you, it's them.

Sounds totally cliche. But what I am reading is that you focused on college,
tried to start a relationship, it didn't work so you moved on,
and you compare this to a time when you were alone, but seemed happier.

None of that stuff is a problem.

The problem is that you might feel down, you might ruminate too much,
you might spend too much time in your own thoughts, too much time
in bad feelings, and/or wishing for things to change that won't change.

Aight, remember, I'm an outsider, only going by the first post in this thread.

Here is the thing that makes it turn around, or what worked for me.

When you wake up in the morning, the first question you need to ask
is:

What do I need to accomplish TODAY?


Ok, start with a process of elimination.

Rumination, the past, and bad memories, when to schedule that?

Don't.

Some fitness, taking a shower, studying, part or full time job, oil change,
take out the trash, see the dentist, those are in the list when it's time.

Even in the Bible it says, don't say that the old days were better times...

And this takes an extreme measure of self-control for a while, but
you have to stay positive.

The problem is that there is little positivity in memories.

Nobody wins that because either they think that those days were better,
therefore today sucks.

Or they think those times were bad and they end up reliving pain.

This pain doesn't ever heal by reliving it.

It's like this, if I took everything about you or any person, all their information,
every detail would fill every paper on earth and more.

And like a big landowner, like Ted Turner, there are problems just by that scale.

Ted Turner probably spends a lot of time in court, micromanaging a lot of problems about his land, right? Eminent domain battles, encroachments, water or mineral rights, squatters, thieves.

But Ted does what he can do, and has to keep living in a mentally healthy space.

So I would bet that at night, Ted clears out a few hours, plays cards, watches a weird channel like CNN or TNT, reads a book.

He can't have that healthy space if he doesn't create it.

Alright, just my opinion. Sorry for the length.

My best!

 

Well I want to preface this by saying, I am just a "bro" and have no expertise.

Rejection, and loss is a part of life. You will meet so many people over the years, some will arouse deepest feelings of love and devotion inside you, but it won't be mutual. This is a totally normal state of affairs. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, or something is wrong with the world. It is what it is.

Some people quickly find a mutual love and devotion and are perhaps lucky. Others like myself are a bit unlucky, and will take years to find such a person. (Or maybe we never might.)

There's nothing special that you can do about it. The only thing you can control in life is the way you go on living it. Self-love, Self-improvement, Self-care, and Self-introspection etc. go a long way in making your life happy. Everything else is optional.

Work on yourself, and don't worry about stuff that you had no control over. Positive vibes may be bro-science but other people can pick it up. So, work hard, love yourself, forgive yourself too, excercise, maybe get a better physique because mind and body go hand in hand, and who knows what the future will bring to your doorstep.

Good Luck! And have a fun filled and safe weekend.

 

maybe lockdowns and fkn social media killed everything for us.
people dont bother to move their asses bcs everything is online