Why can't my boyfriend stop? (repost)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by seafood, Dec 7, 2021.

  1. seafood

    seafood New Fapstronaut

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    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now in a long-distance relationship, which I know is one of the key factors to his porn addiction. For the last 3 years, I have expressed to him that watching or looking at porn is kind of a deal-breaker for me since I wouldn't do it to him. Around this time he told me that he has a pretty extreme foot fetish he found out he had when he was with me. After snooping and spying (I know it's bad) I would find out he was doing it again, which I knew the whole time but chose to ignore the lingering pit in my stomach, every so often around every six months I would find something and we would get into some pretty bad fights but he would always promise to never do it again. Not only did the porn bother me but he would lie so much about other little things like when he would go to sleep or if he took a shower or not which caused a lot more anxiety for me and magnified the porn issue. We have had a lot of problems but this year was really the year we began to heal our relationship but the big issue was his porn addiction. Last month he came to visit (after a year and a half because of covid) and the first thing I find is porn. But it wasn't just porn. It was hentai and it was tens of thousands of pictures and of course, it was an explosive fight and he swore up and down not to do it again and begged me to forgive him. So I did. To find out a week after he left he never did. Again another round of begging and promising. Again a week later. This time we made a plan to make a schedule of days he can masturbate. Again a few days later. This time it was obvious that wasn't working so we ditched that idea and I did everything I can to satisfy him. I found out again today and it hurt. He was finally honest with me and just said he can't stop and he doesn't want to stop either since it is his fantasy that I cannot give him. I love him so much and I want to be okay with it but at the same time, I just want him to stop. Why can't he? He said if he could he would but he says when he tries he cannot think of anything else but those pictures and it starts to drive him insane. But it's constantly eating at me as well while everything else in our relationship is so good since we worked out the other problems just not this one. If I can let him do it I want it done healthily since he has been doing it since he was 11 and it's a severe addiction that he will wake up sometimes 7 times a night to do and go to work afterward. I will admit that some of this not wanting him to do it is my own insecurities but at the same time, it just is past a healthy amount of consumption. I just want some tips on how to kind of suppress this obsession of his with my help. Anyone who has had a similar problem or situation that helped it. How?
     
    Toni7 likes this.
  2. I hate to say it because I know it's hurtful, but this statement is probably the most significant thing you said as far as how things will go, at least for now. He isn't stopping because 1) he's an addict and stopping is very difficult, even for those who are really trying, and 2) he does not want to stop. Yes, of course, he wants to not hurt you anymore, and he wants there to no longer be relationship problems because of it, BUT he doesn't want those things more than he wants to hang on to the addiction. Until he truly wants recovery, it won't happen. He can make all the promises in the world, and sometimes he might mean them at the moment he says them, but none of it matters unless he gets to a point where he believes that staying in his addiction is worse than getting into recovery.

    I'm sorry to seem harsh. I understand you're hurting and dealing with this seems unbearable at times. The pain is agonizing. But, I don't want you to be disillusioned and spend years stuck in this pit thinking you can do anything to change the situation. It has to come from him, and he has to really, really want it.

    For an addict, there isn't a healthy amount of consumption. It isn't possible because, if it was, they wouldn't be addicted.

    Read through some of the journals around here so you get a better idea of what I'm saying. This isn't your fault. Even though it hurts you terribly, it isn't your issue to fix. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
     
  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    This was the rigth thing to do, is ok to set healthy boundries to your partner.

    He is been open with you, he is risking getting dump by you just because he can't leave porn behind, his relationship with porn is more important for him than the relationship he have with you. Do you want to be with a guy that is choosing porn over you?

    No matter how much you want him to stop.. he just don't want to stop. The best you can do in life is to see reality the way it is, not better and not worse.. just the way it is. In this case he wants to consume porn, he is an addict and have no intention in quitting. Either you keep this relationship with him accepting that fact, or you dump him. You can avoid reality... but you can't avoid the concecuences of avoiding reality, a lot of woman in this forum did.. and they wasted a lot of years with guys that never got better. Do you want to be one more of those? learn from their mistake.

    The reality is that you told him that porn was a deal breaker... and he still choose to keep doing porn. If you have some self respect you wouldn't alow that and dump him. It´s the rigth thing to do, is hard but is the best for your life. Leave him behind and give yourselve the chance to meet another guy that don't do porn.
     
  4. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I told my husband to quit because I wasn't okay with it, and he did for 2 years. In those 2 years, he resented me for taking it away from him. He was so resentful that he basically switched the screen over to real life women. They became his porn. So I had to hear about how he was attracted to this person or that person while he swore up and down that he didn't want to leave me for them. He was maintaining that high by fantasizing about them. He didn't want to quit and that was the result. He ended up relapsing after those two years, and after he relapsed, he decided he wanted to quit and was going to do it for himself.

    What needs to be understood the most about any addiction is that, addiction is a symptom of something else. It is generally due to maladaptive coping mechanisms that they stay in the cycle of addiction, and just quitting it doesn't address any underlying causes. The underlying causes are also a huge battle for them because once porn is taken away, now there's all these emotions that they have to learn to deal with in a healthy way. It isnt easy. Since he was 11 when he started, there are a whole lot of things he didn't go through that he'll have to learn to go through because it stunted his cognitive growth.

    You can't make him quit if he doesn't want to quit. That is something I learned the hard way, and I'm sure other women also had that experience as well. You're taking away something that has been a source of comfort to them for many years and if there isn't a way for them to address why it is a source of comfort and what healthy replacements would look like, successful recovery isn't going to happen.

    This all may sound harsh, but unfortunately it is the reality of it. I know it hurts and really makes you question everything about yourself and makes you feel insecure. You could be absolutely perfect in every way and he would still watch porn. Primitive sex cannot compete with pornography because there is more dopamine with pornography.
     
  5. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    As others have said - you can't make him, coerce him, guilt him or threaten him into stopping. He has to want to. He's told you he doesn't want to stop because of his fantasies - be they feet or whatever. Until he decides he wants to stop, nothing is going to change.

    With the relationship being long distance, it's even more on him to do it. I know from experience that loneliness can be a trigger, but not an impossible one. You schedule his masturbation is probably going to make him feel controlled and mothered. It's coming from a good place of wanting to help, but again, it needs to come from within, not from you.

    I only made different choices (blockers, therapy, SAA, journaling, etc etc) when I was on the brink of divorce or what felt like it. I'm grateful for that moment now because it shook me to the core and I was able to break a cycle. But I also know it'd be easy to fall back into habits if I become complacent.
     
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  6. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Here is something I learned from a great counselor. I may not word it the same exact way he did but he told me that "he's never going to quit until it is more comfortable for him to quit than the it is for the consequences for him to bear." So what he meant by that is that I needed to have diehard boundaries with firm consequences for violating them. He also said one other thing. Do not waiver on them ever. You see how you keep getting promises from him? Those are just patronizing you and buying time. He never had any intention of quitting when he promised to because as he told you he doesn't really want to quit because it is his fantasy. Fine. Fantasize a life without you.
     
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  7. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Btw I just went and looked at your profile. You're 21 years old. You're young. You're beautiful. I don't know a single 21 year old that isn't. I know I was when I was your age. You're in the prime of your life. If this boyfriend of yours doesn't want to get his shit together just ask any woman here. Unless there is a marriage or child at stake if they had it to do over again they wouldn't myself included. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Do the boundaries and if that doesn't work nothing will.
     
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  8. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Long distance will be too hard for him to change IMO. You deserve and should go out and get better. A life alone is better than continuing to build a life headed in this direction. You deserve better even if you don’t feel or believe you do. I was 19 when I left my first g/f due to this addiction. She tried to help me as a friend after, but it failed. We eventually broke contact. Best decision she ever made. I still struggle with PMO. It is not a dealbreaker for my wife like it is for others. We have outstanding marriage outside it. I always challenge her on that, but she really loves the life we have despite my addiction. But I wouldn’t advise any woman to choose this life. You’re too young to give up your best years.
     
  9. Real Jerry Seinfeld

    Real Jerry Seinfeld Fapstronaut

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    He's not going to stop. He's a young guy, you're in an LDR, not seeing each other for months at a time. He's out there whacking it every day to the maddest stuff and has stated he doesn't want to give it up.

    You're going to have to accept what he's telling you. Setting more rules and boundaries won't work, you'll never know if he's keeping them and I can't see why he would. You can either tolerate his habit or leave and don't look back. I know that's harsh but I don't really see what other options there are.
     
  10. Zaiju

    Zaiju Fapstronaut

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    Try to convince him. Give him reasons. Persuade him. If saying the same thing over and over again's not working, then change up your way. Every time it doesn't work, try something else not the same goddamn thing. You could also just respect what he wants to do and let him do that shit but you could also try to make him stop. You've got choices. If you choose the second, just make sure to not be repetitive and keep changing up your methods.
     
  11. Zaiju

    Zaiju Fapstronaut

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    A way would be to make a deal with him and give him something in exchange for him not watching that shit. That would be a good motivator. Another method would be introducing him to some good habits that take up his time and maybe a good addiction that replaces his hentai addiction. Some good addictions are working out, making art, talking with people online, playing games and stuff.
     
  12. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    I’m gonna take exception to this advice. You don’t have to convince him to do a damn thing. You only have to convince yourself that you have boundaries for which you will not allow him to cross…period. That is the only reason you need to give. Persuasion doesn’t work. Of course saying the same things over and over doesn’t work either. But you shouldn’t have to jump through hoops and change your ways for anything other than to protect yourself. That’s it. If he doesn’t get the message he doesn’t want to get the message. And no you don’t have to respect what he wants to do. You may have to accept it and make your decisions accordingly but you sure as hell don’t have to respect it.

    Make him stop? Not in a million years. When was the last time anyone could make you do anything? We always have a choice. He has a choice to continue. Make a deal? Oh HELL NO! The only deal is you uphold is your boundaries. That’s the only deal he’s going to get. That’s the only motivation he deserves. There are no prizes for doing the right thing. If he wants a participation trophy maybe he should go back to playing little league where they hand them out regularly. After all that is where his emotional maturity is at. I also wouldn’t introduce him to good habits. That’s his cross to bear. Not yours. He can find his own good habits. Of course if he asks for input you can give it to him. But don’t proactively provide it to him.

    Last there is no such thing as a “good addiction.” Not even working out. Addiction to exercise while an improvement over hentai is not a “good addiction”. It serves as a replacement or substitute for the addition and will continue to provide consequences for you like a dry drunk. He’s not fixing the addiction. He’s replacing it with another. Working out is great. Addiction to working out is not. We have a friend who did that very thing for years and now has irreparable consequences for it.

    Be very careful of the advice you get here. While their intentions may be good the outcome won’t be.
     
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  13. Zaiju

    Zaiju Fapstronaut

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    Ah I see. I'm sorry that my advice wasn't compatible with you. The thing is I've tried this out before in a relationship and it worked, so I thought it could help you too, but everybody is a different kinda person I guess. Well how about you break up with him if things aren't working out then? Or maybe try to look things over from his perspective?
     
  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It might work in a healthy relationship, but it just won’t with an addict. An addict needs to decide on his own that his addiction is more painful to keep than to get into recovery. Addicts are hyper focused on their addiction and just don’t “ hear” anything anyone else has to say until they start getting into recovery. This has to be done thing that comes from within them, not from another person.
     
    Zaiju likes this.
  15. Zaiju

    Zaiju Fapstronaut

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    I see I see
     
  16. WantsToQuit2021

    WantsToQuit2021 Fapstronaut

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    Like I said in a different thread

    You can't change an addict. They need to change themselves and want to change. Waiting for that is futile.

    Many times someone will believe the words addicts tell about changing. But Words are cheap, actions speak louder.

    That's why if you are in a relationship with an addict, you have to set clear boundaries and a deadline.
    Imo if by the deadline nothing has changed, then you have to end the relationship, because it will never change.

    It sucks but it's like that.

    I know breaking up after a long time relationship is hard. But it will be okay.
    You get to date again, be excited again to meet new people. To have those butterflies when you find someone great.

    Life doesn't stop, so make damn sure you do what you need to do to find happiness
     
  17. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Obviously doesn’t understand how boundaries work either.
     
  18. WantsToQuit2021

    WantsToQuit2021 Fapstronaut

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    You are very condescending.
    Everyone has their own ideas and believes, don't just dismiss them because you dont agree and without even offering a proper explanation.

    Your negativity irks me greatly
     
  19. Flamester7

    Flamester7 Fapstronaut

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    Sit down with him, tell him you don’t want to argue, be with him and tell him you want to do a DOPAMINE DETOX get rid of all technology for whatever time you agree on. Tell each other your problems and commit to being accountable for each other’s addiction. Find a addiction of your own so that he is not alone and also battle it with him. Eat plain meals work out together and do any activities that DO NOT INVOLVE TECHNOLOGY. Paint, picnic, dance, be there for each other. Make a habit of at the end of the day you just sit down relax and talk about how the day was and problems with life encountered and also your addictions. I think your boyfriend and Bering satisfying his need for dopamine and it’s so painful to stop and the more and more you do it the more dopamine you need to satisfy the brain. It’s basically what drug addicts go through. And tell him that if he fails you don’t what to hear nonsense like I’m sorry and you don’t want him to swear up and down. Tell him you failed to stop him from succumbing to his addiction and if you fail with you addiction tell him he failed when it comes to helping you with your addiction. Long story short be the number one thing in each other’s life and have complete transparency.
    This might be more helpful. It’s about dopamine detox and it explains how the action we enjoy give us dopamine and the more we do it the more resistant we get to dopamine requiring a high stimulant of whatever we do.
     
    seafood likes this.
  20. SergioCon

    SergioCon Fapstronaut

    if he has no inner resolve, no pledging or promising will help,
    some men have to really hit the wall hard before getting there,
    mild motivation helps little,

    a major impeding catastrophe .... that's a true inspiration

    dog treatment, heh...?

    yo siento...

    ...
    i'd suggest some resources, but without
    the inner resolution its nearly pointless..........
     

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