Why can't my boyfriend stop?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by seafood, Dec 7, 2021.

  1. seafood

    seafood New Fapstronaut

    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now in a long-distance relationship, which I know is one of the key factors to his porn addiction. For the last 3 years, I have expressed to him that watching or looking at porn is kind of a deal-breaker for me since I wouldn't do it to him. Around this time he told me that he has a pretty extreme foot fetish he found out he had when he was with me. After snooping and spying (I know it's bad) I would find out he was doing it again, which I knew the whole time but chose to ignore the lingering pit in my stomach, every so often around every six months I would find something and we would get into some pretty bad fights but he would always promise to never do it again. Not only did the porn bother me but he would lie so much about other little things like when he would go to sleep or if he took a shower or not which caused a lot more anxiety for me and magnified the porn issue. We have had a lot of problems but this year was really the year we began to heal our relationship but the big issue was his porn addiction. Last month he came to visit (after a year and a half because of covid) and the first thing I find is porn. But it wasn't just porn. It was hentai and it was tens of thousands of pictures and of course, it was an explosive fight and he swore up and down not to do it again and begged me to forgive him. So I did. To find out a week after he left he never did. Again another round of begging and promising. Again a week later. This time we made a plan to make a schedule of days he can masturbate. Again a few days later. This time it was obvious that wasn't working so we ditched that idea and I did everything I can to satisfy him. I found out again today and it hurt. He was finally honest with me and just said he can't stop and he doesn't want to stop either since it is his fantasy that I cannot give him. I love him so much and I want to be okay with it but at the same time, I just want him to stop. Why can't he? He said if he could he would but he says when he tries he cannot think of anything else but those pictures and it starts to drive him insane. But it's constantly eating at me as well while everything else in our relationship is so good since we worked out the other problems just not this one. If I can let him do it I want it done healthily since he has been doing it since he was 11 and it's a severe addiction that he will wake up sometimes 7 times a night to do and go to work afterward. I will admit that some of this not wanting him to do it is my own insecurities but at the same time, it just is past a healthy amount of consumption. I just want some tips on how to kind of suppress this obsession of his with my help. Anyone who has had a similar problem or situation that helped it. How?
    Krishna Das likes this.
  2. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

    This is not your issue to solve. You should leave him, since he isn't making the necessary efforts to quit. And if he indeed consumes hentai, only God knows the depravities he fantasies about.
    melisssa, RUNDMC, +TenPercent and 4 others like this.
  3. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

    You deserve much better than the unsettling anxiety he imposes on you. Your mental health is deteriorating , and if you stay with him it will keep doing so.
    RUNDMC, +TenPercent, Red Riot and 2 others like this.
  4. It's one thing to have a tough time giving it up (anyone here could attest to that), but it's another to have consistently lied about it to the person where it would matter most. As harsh and extreme as it sounds since you were just asking for tips on fixing it, I second leaving him. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. You can't make him give it up if he doesn't want to. He lied to you about it all the time because he doesn't want to face the decision of choosing between porn and you.

    In fact, from your story, it sounds like he has put in more effort in ensuring he gets to keep watching it than he has giving it up. Combined with lying to you about it for years, begging you to let him keep watching it, and consuming hentai, these are all massive red flags.

    So if it upsets you and he has expressed no interest and no effort towards giving it up, you should consider the longevity of your relationship.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2021
  5. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

    Agree, this is the most realistic response to this situation.
    Tuvok, Krishna Das and Mixolydian like this.
  6. Divine By Design

    Divine By Design Fapstronaut

    Some people you just cannot fix - certainly if they have no desire to sort out their problem. At that point they're just using you and playing you for a fool, whether consciously or not. They have to sort out their own issues.

    Then again, this is an addiction that many of us are struggling with and that can be hard to beat. However, considering his seeming unwillingness to sort it out, and the toll it takes on you, you should probably consider whether this relationship is doing you more harm than good

    In the words of Jordan Peterson, "sometimes your contempt is more salutatory than your pity".
    Mixolydian likes this.
  7. You can't make someone quit something. They have to want to do it for themselves. You need to stop trying to control the situation for him. No schedules or other tactics with you as the overseer as this will only cause resentment, in both directions, between the two of you. Most addicts need to hit rock bottom to admit there is a problem. He hasn't found his yet as he has not suffered any consequences for his addiction.
    This dynamic between you both is unhealthy and not helpful for either of you.

    All you can do is control your own actions and what YOU do next. You need to decide if you want to stick with an addict who may never get better. Or you leave him and move on with your life. At 21 you are still young and staying could mean another 10 years of addiction before you finally give up on the relationship. Who knows, leaving him may be the rock bottom he needs to want to quit if he sees it ruins relationships.

    Good luck.
    RUNDMC and Mixolydian like this.
  8. Beekind

    Beekind Fapstronaut

    Another suffering woman complaining about her addict.
    It breaks my heart.
    You have little to no control over it. He needs to reach the point of :"enough is enough ", otherwise he won't change.
    You can't force it on him. It has to come from within.
    Here are your options:
    1-Accept things as they are and live with half a man. ( a bit harsh, but true).
    2-Cut your loses and leave.
    3-Try to force change- it will only add to his anxiety and his addiction.
    4- Pray for him and trust that he will eventually change.

    Good luck sister.
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2021
    sohardrn likes this.
  9. Rafafa

    Rafafa Fapstronaut

    He needs love and things that gives him more pleasure than this porn.
    Love, self forgiven, help other, stay more with family, pray.

    If you confess to God you will receive hes forgiven.
    If you confess to mans you will be cured.
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  10. SickSicko

    SickSicko Fapstronaut

    Dump his ass, that may be the wake up call he is desperately needing.
    sohardrn and RUNDMC like this.
  11. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

    Please don't be so hard on him! It is hard addiction to kick. My wife wasn't so mad about my p0rn addiction as me chatting to other women online, but it was all tied together for me. I've been trying nofap for 3 years now, it's very difficult.

    Please don't give up on him, try to get him through this difficult time.
  12. I understand what you say and i can imagine your situation, but there's a great difference between a marriage and a dating relationship.
    Marriage is forever, and dating is to discerne where to make that promise or not. And for what he is telling us, that guy isn't putting the effort, nor the trust. He isn't willing to quit. He isn't husband material.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2021
  13. Hi. Really sorry to hear that.
    More of what have been already said:
    Quitting is really difficult, yes. But you are not married, you are just dating. You haven't promised him long-life fidelity. Dating is the time to discern wether you want to spend the rest of your life with that man.

    Would you like to be married to someone who lies you, and isn't willing to make sacrifices? Would you like to marry someone who won't stop PM not even to keep you from suffering? Would you like to marry someone who prefers porn over your well-being?
    A man who chooses PM over you, who chooses his pleasure over your happiness. Think about it.

    I can imagine you love him, and you don't want to end the relationship. But he is consciously hurting you, and for what he said, he doesn't want to stop.
    It isn't going to get better. He won't suddenly get cured, this won't get solved magically. You may get used to suffering, but that doesn't mean that it won't keep hurting.
    I know you don't want to leave him. But you cannot even consider living with his addiction for the rest of your life. Because it will break you. Give him an utimatum. Promise him, and more importantly yourself, that you will leave if he don't put the means to get better. And if he doesn't want to, or doesn't succeed, end the relationship.
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  14. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    I'm not clear what moral compass you are using. The following seems to be your moral judgements of various behaviors in the relationship:

    - Masturbation, porn...BAD
    - He says he can't stop...That's too bad
    - Snooping, spying...Bad (your words), but permissible
    - Fornication...Good (that sin is no problem. By the way, what would it be like if an outsider came in and put a restraint (or schedule) on that sin. Would you like it? Can't stop? "That's too bad!" How would that feel or motivate? S/he who has no sin, cast the first stone!)
    - Girlfriend placing a schedule on boyfriend's penis...you deem as Good (as if that's effective - it's like psychological castration and compounds the very additive compulsion by a skyrocketing degree)
    - His sins (deal-breaker)
    - Her sins (we're not concerned with those)
    - Mutual codependent relationship (tolerated and maintained)
    - Vacillation between Mother-Child relationship and Child-Child relationship (Who is sexually attracted to mother? PMO may seem like a better alternative, even if it's destructive - at least it feels adult)

    Scenario 1: Boyfriend will never be able to quit with ultimatums (dealbreakers), angry parental oversight (mother pecking, penis schedules, blame), everything bad is his fault (bad, bad, bad). Maybe girlfriend should complete the emotional castration (which only perpetuates the addiction all the more), relationship should break up, and boyfriend should hit rock bottom all alone. Does girlfriend love him enough to let him crash for his own good? Then, he may be able to decide for himself how/when (if at all) to pick up his life and recover for the sake of his own life and happiness. Maybe one day boyfriend will be able to build the proper self-foundation to engage in a new relationship that is based on maturity (equal partner adult-to-equal partner adult) and not based on codependence.

    Scenario 2: Or, boyfriend may consider going to a counsellor where girlfriend will cease performing in the ineffective and enabling pseudo-roles of counsellor, watchdog, behavioral psychologist, Mother. Just like alcoholics need the freedom of spreading their wings in a recovery group like AA, so, too, loved ones of addicts need to learn how to relate and interact with the addict, such as principles of Al-Anon, etc. There may be an Al-Anon equivalent for loved ones of sex addicts that you might consider attending or learning about, while your boyfriend attends counseling and/or the AA equivalent for sex addicts. It would be a mature effort (adult-adult) on both sides in the relationship. But, you do love each other, right? It's worth it, right? If not, then maybe the relationship should end, per Scenario 1.


    Last edited: Dec 8, 2021
    RUNDMC likes this.
  15. I think both of those things are "normal" in the light of most persons posting here.

    The lying tells us some good and some bad things:

    1) The person feels guilty about what has been done;
    2) The person does not want the relationship to end and is trying to preserve it (nevermind the fact that the lying actually does the opposite--the person does not think that far ahead);
    3) The person is heavily addicted, to the point of being willing to lie in order to cover it up; and
    4) The person is unwilling to change at this point.

    A person who truly desired to repent, and make a big change, would be less inclined to lie. Lying, in this case, is a defense mechanism, aimed at maintaining the addiction at all costs, without, at the same time, losing everything else dear to the addict, e.g. relationships.

    At this point, then, it would be safe to conclude that the addict has no intention of changing. As long as this remains true, change is not even on the horizon, nor possible. Until he wants to change more than he wants his addiction, there is little hope that any change will occur.

    The question is: What would it take to get him to change his mind about his addiction, and cause him to want to be free of it?
  16. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

    Fact 1: You feel hurt by his behavior and you want to be the only "one" for your boyfriend. That is totally valid, and whatever happens, whatever people tell you, please don't give up on knowing that to be true.

    Fact 2: He doesn't want to change his behavior. Right now he is putting his behavior above the health of your relationship. It's tough to hear, but just because he might be mentally sick and addicted doesn't mean he bears no responsibility. It takes two to make things work, and he is not doing his part.

    What you choose to do with those facts is for you and you only to decide. Best wishes for this difficult time.
  17. While this is true, it is not particularly helpful. Her issue, which she needs to solve somehow, still remains large: she loves him, and he's hurting her.

    I've seen this kind of advice very commonly posted here to all comers, especially from the womenfolk like yourself. Is this the standard mantra here: "Leave, just leave." Sure, quit the relationship--and then what? Find another man with the same problem and quit it, too? How many men are porn consumers these days? Is this why you feminist womenfolk wish to abandon men and create a female-only planet?

    In this particular case, your advice may be sound. But I am left to wonder: "Under what circumstances would you recommend a woman stay in a hurting relationship and seek healing for it?"

    Because God only knows, as you admit, there is no reason to cast judgment and suspicion that is neither known nor in evidence to you. Let's be careful to address what is known, and not to sit in the seat of judgment over what is not known. As God has said: "Judge not that you be not judged."
  18. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

    I'd recommend that for no woman at all. She needs to be aware of all the risks she is taking, and the heavy burden she is forcing on her mental stability. It's obvious OP's psychological health is already deteriorating, with all the false hopes she deals with and the anxiety this situation creates for her.

    I never implied she needs to have a relationship. If most men have perverse tendencies due to compulsive P consumption, then staying single is far the better option. Unless a woman feels sexually frustrated and seeks release, she has no reason to cope with some man's dishonesty and non-ending lies and drama. She'll only hurt herself in the process, without a guaranteed fruitful outcome.
    RUNDMC and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  19. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

    I hope we won't reach a state where it's the only solution at our disposal. For now, we still try to convey our messages to the male population and expect a positive impact. In case we fail in this, then we'll consider alternative solutions.
  20. Thank you for clarifying. Your perspective is much as I suspected. To you, men are almost useless and a burden to society.

    I hope the OP takes your advice with the equivalent grain of salt, knowing you advocate a woman leaving her man under almost any circumstance, given even the slightest excuse. In fact, I suspect you are not interested in men yourself. You consider yourself to be above men--far superior to men, and therefore look down on them like any true feminist does.

    To the OP (@seafood), I agree with @ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved above who posted:

    It is your decision. Do not be influenced by any of us, but gather the facts together for yourself and decide what you will do, knowing that none of us will have to live with the consequences as you will. It is easy for us to tell you what to do--because we are not affected by it one way or the other.

    I would urge you to find someone close to you other than your partner with whom you could take counsel and find encouragement. But be careful whom you tell about the problem, as there is a lot of stigma about it, and hurting him will hurt your relationship and you, too. Keep in mind that internet advice is cheaper than dirt, and sometimes of about the same value. You have no true way of knowing the character of the one giving you that advice, nor what agenda he or she may have.

    Ultimately, your decisions are up to you.

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