Why Do I Care About Sex So Much?

J

Joey26

Fapstronaut
I have been resisting masturbation for 8 days now, and so far, it’s been extremely difficult to say the least. It’s been forcing me to develop a mentality that bans and punishes any sexual thought I let enter. Even in meditation, the thoughts—and the feeling— pop up randomly again and again and again. And to make matters worse, I’m at college... where it seems like everyone is having sex (I say “seems” on purpose, I know not EVERYONE is having sex, but still).

I wanted to bring up something that happened to me today when talking with a friend of mine. This guy is probably one of my best friends here at college and one of the few people I can be somewhat myself around. But anyway, he’s been interested in this girl for several weeks now. We’ve been talking about how shy he is, how shy WE are; we’re very similar. He’s been taking baby steps towards her, occasionally eating dinner with her, working on homework with her, eventually inviting her to his room. Last weekend, they spent a lot of time together to the extent that he and I didn’t get to talk much. Until today.
So we caught up, joked around a little, the usual stuff, then I asked him about how things were going with the girl. I expected one of two things, either he’s asked her out or that he’s still too nervous to do anything. Well, neither of those things happened. Turns out they made out for about an hour one night and then ended up sleeping together. Multiple nights.

I was speechless. I didn’t know how to respond once he told me. We were driving in his car, and I kind of just sat there for a few minutes and looked forward, forcing in a few buffer jokes to break the silence.
Here’s what was going on in my head, and I’ll be totally honest: I was judging him. My opinion of him just changed completely. I think a big reason why I’ve been good friends with him is because he never seemed like the kind of person to do the crazy stuff I see others doing, like drinking, smoking, and yes, sleeping around. Now I’m a religious person. Always have been. I’ve been taught all the things you could expect regarding sex: don’t do it, sex= bad, you+sex= bad person you, no no no no... [a billion no’s later]... absolutely NO. Of course, that includes masturbation.
So like I said at the start of this post, I’ve been developing a mentality lately that shuns pretty much all things sex-related in order to prevent myself from falling into temptation. And while this mentality has so far been working in that regard, I feel like it’s hurting my relationships with people. Here, for instance, when my best friend tells me he’s been sleeping with this girl, more than once, my thoughts immediately fixate on this and the judgments flood into my mind.
And I don’t like that. For multiple reasons. For starters, I may be resisting masturbation more efficiently, but the way I’m judging people around me— my best friend no less— that’s hurting me, both socially AND spiritually. How am I supposed to love and be loved if I let these judgments rule me? Which leads me to my second reason: by judging the fact that I, as well as other people, have sexual desires and constantly give into them, I’m putting sex on a pedestal. I’m letting sex have power over me, and if I want to continue resisting masturbation, that’s the last thing I should do.

My friend is a good person. He’s a great person, in fact. Seriously, when college gets intimidating with all the social pressures, he’s always there to calm my anxieties. Plus, we have a lot in common. I think this is why the fact that he’s been having sex with someone is all the more shocking to me. What’s frustrating to me isn’t necessarily him but rather myself, and how I am so quick to judge him. He doesn’t deserve it; he’s just as socially anxious as I am, and I think if anything, THAT’S what drove him to have sex.

So here’s what I want to work on for myself, and please by all means give me some tips/ideas on how I can do this: I want to care about sex less than I currently do. I know that I can’t really get rid of sexual desire, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I want to change how I view sex; it’s not horrendous, it’s not evil or wrong, nor is it the greatest thing in the world and something to be sought after, an idea that society drills into our minds to no end. It’s just what people do. I think the sooner I can see sex as no big deal, the easier it’ll be to accept others in my college who choose to have sex, and perhaps it’ll make my struggle against masturbation a bit easier too.
 
Joey26 said:
I have been resisting masturbation for 8 days now, and so far, it’s been extremely difficult to say the least. It’s been forcing me to develop a mentality that bans and punishes any sexual thought I let enter. Even in meditation, the thoughts—and the feeling— pop up randomly again and again and again. And to make matters worse, I’m at college... where it seems like everyone is having sex (I say “seems” on purpose, I know not EVERYONE is having sex, but still).

I wanted to bring up something that happened to me today when talking with a friend of mine. This guy is probably one of my best friends here at college and one of the few people I can be somewhat myself around. But anyway, he’s been interested in this girl for several weeks now. We’ve been talking about how shy he is, how shy WE are; we’re very similar. He’s been taking baby steps towards her, occasionally eating dinner with her, working on homework with her, eventually inviting her to his room. Last weekend, they spent a lot of time together to the extent that he and I didn’t get to talk much. Until today.
So we caught up, joked around a little, the usual stuff, then I asked him about how things were going with the girl. I expected one of two things, either he’s asked her out or that he’s still too nervous to do anything. Well, neither of those things happened. Turns out they made out for about an hour one night and then ended up sleeping together. Multiple nights.

I was speechless. I didn’t know how to respond once he told me. We were driving in his car, and I kind of just sat there for a few minutes and looked forward, forcing in a few buffer jokes to break the silence.
Here’s what was going on in my head, and I’ll be totally honest: I was judging him. My opinion of him just changed completely. I think a big reason why I’ve been good friends with him is because he never seemed like the kind of person to do the crazy stuff I see others doing, like drinking, smoking, and yes, sleeping around. Now I’m a religious person. Always have been. I’ve been taught all the things you could expect regarding sex: don’t do it, sex= bad, you+sex= bad person you, no no no no... [a billion no’s later]... absolutely NO. Of course, that includes masturbation.
So like I said at the start of this post, I’ve been developing a mentality lately that shuns pretty much all things sex-related in order to prevent myself from falling into temptation. And while this mentality has so far been working in that regard, I feel like it’s hurting my relationships with people. Here, for instance, when my best friend tells me he’s been sleeping with this girl, more than once, my thoughts immediately fixate on this and the judgments flood into my mind.
And I don’t like that. For multiple reasons. For starters, I may be resisting masturbation more efficiently, but the way I’m judging people around me— my best friend no less— that’s hurting me, both socially AND spiritually. How am I supposed to love and be loved if I let these judgments rule me? Which leads me to my second reason: by judging the fact that I, as well as other people, have sexual desires and constantly give into them, I’m putting sex on a pedestal. I’m letting sex have power over me, and if I want to continue resisting masturbation, that’s the last thing I should do.

My friend is a good person. He’s a great person, in fact. Seriously, when college gets intimidating with all the social pressures, he’s always there to calm my anxieties. Plus, we have a lot in common. I think this is why the fact that he’s been having sex with someone is all the more shocking to me. What’s frustrating to me isn’t necessarily him but rather myself, and how I am so quick to judge him. He doesn’t deserve it; he’s just as socially anxious as I am, and I think if anything, THAT’S what drove him to have sex.

So here’s what I want to work on for myself, and please by all means give me some tips/ideas on how I can do this: I want to care about sex less than I currently do. I know that I can’t really get rid of sexual desire, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I want to change how I view sex; it’s not horrendous, it’s not evil or wrong, nor is it the greatest thing in the world and something to be sought after, an idea that society drills into our minds to no end. It’s just what people do. I think the sooner I can see sex as no big deal, the easier it’ll be to accept others in my college who choose to have sex, and perhaps it’ll make my struggle against masturbation a bit easier too.
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Wow. 19, I remember how I felt at 19. My sympathy for what you are experiencing. It is difficult.

The good news, though, is you are recognizing your obsession with sex as a problem, at a young age. I was clueless at 19.

So, you say you are religious? Do you read the bible? Pray? I assume by meditation, you mean you think deeply about spiritual things? I How much time each day do you spend on this? Try spending 1 hour per day reading the bible, praying, and thinking deeply about what you are reading. Doesn't have to be all at once, if you need to break it up in multiple sessions.

I think if you do this, you will see benefits right away. It's an on-going effort, though. Hope this helps..
 
Its 2 am in my country and i read threw your post so if i say something to offened ypu well i will so dont get too mad. First of ypu are young plus you are living in a world were you are mocked if you dont drink smoke amd party. Honestly if you want to have a great relationship one day dont go crazy with tje party scene. Secomd amd i lnow this will offened ypu but i belive that you have in somezhings been brainwashed when it comes to religion. Im spirtuale and agaimst the religious system of church and so on.really you will go to hell if you mastrubate aorry but in my opinion the church and religion system are bs . Now with ypur friend thing we can look at it in multiple ways maybe you were friends with him because he made you feel better not being with women or you felt superior to him. Question are you bothered tjat he had sex before you or are you now afraid that you will lose him.support him and also kind of use him. Tell him to tell that girl to introduce ypu to some of her friends and so on. Trust me the more days ypu do nofap the more utge ypu will have to go out talk to women and get laid but just dont over do ot ( personale experince lost two good women because of it but hey i can say i had sex with a celebirty happy plis sad) and dont be so hard on ypurself think postive you are still young you are bombared witj shit from ypur church collage proffesores the media and so on so take a breathe reflect chill and be happy. Honestly i may look at this post in the morning and be like wow haha.
 
Afzer rereading ypur post again i have to say you have a lot of soul searching to do i really do belive that the religion part of you has made ypu look at sex in their way and now you are in collage in the real world and you dont know how to look at it. You should not judge ppl if they have alot of sex plus you should never do amything if you not ready for it. You ask how to change your way of thinking well i say meditae look deep insode yourself reflecttalk to ppl outside the party scene and get to kno them during the day ( i kno its going be hard at the beggining but slowly work up to it ) again no offense not my intent to to attack you but honestly get ride of the rwligion thing. Yes belive in sometimg that is oit their but forget about the imstituion.
 
Also one more thimg porn is bad butbsex aont. I feel you are punishing ypurself because of the feelomgs you have and punishing other because they are having sex. Wanting to have sex is normale just domt overdue and domt hate ypurself because you have these urges
 
It seems very hard to not think about sex when you are constantly screening your thoughts for sex and critiquing those thoughts about sex and then critiquing others having sex or being intimate.

I might consider reflecting on what sex and intimacy are, why they might happen, how that act might be viewed by both parties, and perhaps consider its place in relationships and as a means of intimacy and sharing between people.

Also, who is telling you that intimacy is bad and what might be motivating them to give you this position?

You mention words like punishment and judging. These make me feel the need to flinch and seek for a softer, more forgiving or tolerant position.

My experience trying to go on long streaks has been one that is constantly immersed in feelings of loneliness and urges. Punishing myself through 93 days of having thoughts about sex would be an unimaginable amount of self reproach, judgement and self hate that is likely double my sexual thoughts and triple my self hatred compkex(I don’t have one, btw)

I’ve had a long, complicated, and difficult journey in viewing myself as a worth while person and trying to open up to women and intimacy and relationships. I think the faster you can examine sex and urges and biology and intimacy and come to your own conclusions about them (and recognize the humanity of the partners involved) the less angst and suffering you might have for yourself or give to others you become involved with
 
Okay, I experienced something similar in high school with my best friend. Although we both went to a private Christian school, religion didn’t enter into it, I just straight up trash-talked him. Why? Because we both liked the same girl, but he was her boyfriend. He was the “early bird that got the worm”. They didn’t have sex, at least from what he told me, but they did just about everything you could, shy of penis penetration below the waist. I suspect that you’re envious of your friend because he managed to have sex with a lady you’re attracted to, not just once but multiple times. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’ll be for you to decide.

If it is envy, then I have to say it’s really hard to deal with, especially if you’re on friendly terms with this lady, because then you might be dealing with irrational jealousy too. Keep busy and think about other things, and hang out with other people whenever opportunities come up. When you do hang out with your friend and/or this lady, try to have fun with them and be friendly. If they kiss, just remember it’s just a kiss. Finally, try to remember that it’s her choice, and realize that there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just that your friend may be a closer match to what she’s looking for. After all, you might’ve noticed that from your perspective there are some ladies who interest you more than others, and the same is true of her with guys.
 
This may help. And I know where you're coming from. I had almost exact thoughts at your age, although what I was taught about sexual sin was more in-depth than a lot of "NO"s. Which is essentially that the holy spirit cannot remain with you, in your body, if you deliberately and continually sin against your body, which is God's temple. And if God remains with you, and you work together on your spiritual growth, temptation will get easier. God puts wisdom in your brain without you even realizing it. You'll find yourself avoiding thoughts you couldn't before. Not staring at legs as much when they pass you. You get the idea. But instead of trying not to sin, in fact don't even try, instead just get to know God, Start there and the rest will come naturally. And the more you truly understand the way he means for you to see the world, will help you overcome.


You want to be supportive, loving and full of positive attributes. Your friend's new relationship must seem so natural and healthy compared to what you're struggling with. And it is. I'll be making important points after but THESE ARE THINGS THAT MAY HELP TO KNOW if you want to overcome you life's training to judge and view sex with normalcy:
  • It helps to understand that not everyone sins for the same reasons. Sexual sin is only important because it's the only sin against your body and God's plan for salvation involves the holy spirit literally resting inside you. That aside, He looks at the heart. This is why God warns us off against judging. People, in general, can't know what's going on in someone's heart. The intent behind sin is something that will help give you more grace and patience in life. Some people simply never received love as a child and get it through intense relationships like this. Others like to use and abuse. Maybe take a more advanced course in psych. or learn to be a better listener and observer. It makes you more efficient socially, to understand where others are coming from.
  • Understand you can date girls, and have A LOT of fun without having sex. You'd be surprised how much this will fill your natural needs for intimacy.
  • Most Christians don't get this but you are supposed to give a lot of love and support to others. People respond to positivity, commitment to others and the strength and grace that must surely come from those qualities. Caring, I mean really caring is what the majority of people want to hear from you. Most express caring in different ways today and are often misunderstood, don't make that mistake. Give your love freely and openly, as Jesus said.
  • YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO BE CASUAL ABOUT IT AT YOUR AGE, like you want to be. You have all this info on it from the internet. Your young, hormonal body is surrounded by young girls in short shorts every day that think they want the same thing and it's on ads and t.v. everywhere. Sex is important to EVERYONE. Now, the significance of the act is different to everyone. To a sickeningly wide range. What you can do, is avoid the constant confrontation. The Bible says, put no confidence in the flesh and flee temptation. From as early as Joseph before the ten commandments to as late as Paul's letter to Corinth.
  • Finally, try to be self-aware. Be honest as you can with yourself, you can't be objective without it. And you literally can't THINK if you're not objective. Be a student on human nature. Understanding the motivator behind your actions, for some reason, helps you to overcome them.
 
Why Do I Care About Sex So Much?

In my humble opinion, God wanted a population. (Men Neeeed women for sex; Women Neeeed men for affection.)
He had to draw the two genders together. So you are perfectly normal.
 
If you need someone to talk to I'm here. There's no way this conversation would get covered in one post. And you're young. I'm sure you're WELL informed but I feel there's a lot I could share with you.
 
Hey Joey, I've been there.
I had a true good friend across my years in school and college. We keep together, and I saw him escalate in life and having experiences (smoking, parting, having relationships with girls), some of them that I considered forbidden. I was a religious person and luckily, I was young. I got older and I don't judge anymore... Judgment is a dangerous and toxic thing.
What happen sometimes is a bit of envy. It's inevitable and I'm aways racionalizing this bad thought. Anger and envy is aways a huge signal of our own weaknesses.

How to thing in sex as something not so important? I don't know. I suffer this everyday and have to spend time and energy every damn day racionalizing how simple and natural is sex. It is exausting, but I like to think that it works as exercise: one day, this is going to be automatic. If not, well, I'm trying. At last I won't be judging or envying anyone never again, while I keep this exercise. I prefer to throw me in a hole than seed negative thoughts to people around me. People don't have to pay and suffer for my problems, and that's a sacred rule for me.
 
Joey,

I am definitely in a similar situation. Being a college student myself and surrounded by friends with intense sex drives and masturbation/sex habits, it is sometimes hard to know how to respond to their actions or even conversations. I definitely am a reserved person. And on top of that I am very prone to avoiding confrontation so I rarely speak out against the habits of my friends. Whether that is good or bad, I don't know, but I definitely think judging them is something to be avoided. The apostle Paul says:

"Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things." Romans 2:1 (ESV)

I think it is important when interacting with friends, family, or anyone to remember that just because you aren't indulging in the particular sin they are doesn't make you better than them. All of us are tempted and sin. That is the human nature (Romans 3:10). And becoming Christian isn't a magic event that fully takes your desires or ability to sin away, which I am sure you are aware of. So knowing that you are a sinner, and still sin (albeit forgiven), you shouldn't develop a mindset that puts you above or better than anyone else. Because "...[you] practice the very same things." Instead you should develop compassion for others, be it friends, family, strangers, people we dislike, and even those who are fully against us, our enemies (Luke 6:27-28). We are not the judges of people. We do not decide their fate. That is a job for God alone.

However, compassion for others should be our motivation to inform them of the danger they are in (Galatians 6:1). If you are concerned about your friend, one option is to level with him and talk about how you feel about sex in relationships. It may be a good opportunity to share the freedom you have received from Christ.
 
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